And I swear we are going to be announcing something good really soon!
On a completely unrelated topic, today is also the ship date of the Externally Submitted Psychonauts! This game has had many ship dates, but this one is the shippinest because the game has actually SHIPPED. Don’t believe me? Look! We got our copies!
Where are yours?
Okay, I’m lying. That cement thing is not really a hint. But it kinda makes you go, “Huh,” doesn’t it? You know? Especially since “cement” is a NOUN? You follow? “A Noun, Cement?” That’s got to mean something!
Anyway, The Announcement is only one day away! Some people have guessed that The Announcement is going to be… THE GAME. And it’s true—The release date for the Endodontic Surgery Psychonauts is indeed April 19, which is—according to ancient astronomers—TOMORROW. But, uh… that was already announced, like, a million thousand years ago. How would “announcing” that again make anyone crap their pants? Unless they were a baby, I guess. But even then, you’d have to time it just right, and maybe squeeze it.
No, The Announcement is not the game. In fact, if you went down to your local Video Computer Gaming Store tomorrow and stood in the door and yelled, “I decoded The Announcement! I’m here for the Ecclesiastical Sacrament Psychonauts!” you might be sad for many reasons, mostly because the 19th is the SHIP DATE. Which I think means that is the day they ship it to the stores. I’m not 100% sure about the situation at the store nearest you, but we called some stores and they say that The Game will be on the shelves on the 20th. But don’t take my word for it. Call your local store to confirm. Call them right now! Call them many times! Ask them if they have Psychonauts yet! Over and over and over until they say yes.
But do it by phone so you can be home to receive a noun we call cement. I mean, do you really want to be the last to know? The last to know that your life has changed forever?
I would also like to not announce that we have new jobs posted on the Double Fine Jobs Page!!! Why not stop by and pick up a job for yourself? After you play the Existential Sonnet Psychonauts, trust me, you are going to want MORE. Much more. You don’t want to wait a long time for Double Fine’s next game. You want to MAKE Double Fine’s next game. So what are you waiting for? Come on! The more the merrier!
Please decide amongst yourselves who is the best and smartest and nicest of you all, and then let that person come here and make awesome games!!!
Please. Do it for me. See, I have told everybody here every joke I know, and every adorable story from my adorable childhood. They are sick of it. Sick and mad. And I don’t want to have to learn any NEW jokes, so please, won’t you come work here so I can tell you all these same, tired stories? I have them all memorized and I can say them all really fast. It would take no time at all before you were as bored as the rest of the employees here. Bored and happy.
Now, here is another clue about the exciting ANNOUNCEMENT that I will be making soon:
Foist celery upon abdomen!
Okay, since Tuesday is coming quick, I’ll give you another clue:
I’m reading The Da Vinci Code!
Are you a total BABY or what? Stop asking for clues and figure it out, Little Baby Foo Foo!
This is not the announcement. This is just me posting some info on the PC demo of Psychonauts. If this were the actual announcement, your pants would have been crapped by now.
Anyway, in case you haven’t heard, private citizens may now download a PC demo of the most significant literary work of Mankind’s Postlinear Age, PSYCHO-EFFING-NAUTS!!!!!
Download the demo and play it right now!!! It is a large demo (456 MB) but every MB is an MB full of pleasure and value! It is an awesome demo, and you will like it I hope. And it will help you kill time while you wait for The Announcement.
So will these brain-teasing clues about The Announcement:
1) It is rad.
2) It is going to be something you can start messing with THIS COMING TUESDAY.
3) It will cost you money.
4) You will not mind.
I would like to announce that an announcement is coming soon.
And when you read this announcement, not only will you crap your pants, but you will crap your neighbors pants. You will crap your neighbor’s pants so hard, that your neighbor will have to repaint his whole house. But he will be laughing the whole time because this announcement is as good as a million pairs of pants. This announcement is as good as a million pairs of solid gold, MAGIC pants.
“Magic pants” would be a good name for the male equivalent of the Wonder Bra, I think.
Sweet, merciful heavens, what were they thinking? Microsoft has APPROVED the EXCELLENT GAME PSYCHONAUTS for the XBOX!
That’s right! We have passed certification! I would like to say something brilliant right now but I’m speechless. Oh, and did I mention that the PC version went gold on Wednesday? Soon the PS2 version will be done and no one will be safe! Oh, and also, Official Xbox Magazine gave us a 9.5 in their review this month!
Is this actually happening? Can it be real? Did I choke on a potsticker during one of our crunch mode meals and I’m in a coma in a hospital bed and I’m dreaming all this right now? Or has there been some rift in the space/time continuum that has suspended logic and probability, and allowed our long-suffering game to finally end happily? I don’t get how this could be happening. Did the universe just give up on it’s efforts to ruin our lives? Did the gods just find some other game to pick on? I mean, who slipped up and let us get through? I’m sure one of Satan’s lackey’s is going to get fired over this.
My personal apologies go out to all those aligned with the forces of mediocrity and small-mindedness who tried to shut us down over and over again for the last five years. I’m sorry things didn’t work out for you this time. I will say that although I am not bitter, I remember all of your names. Also, I’m going to send consolation cards to your mothers and fathers, because they must be disappointed most of all by your failure.
Cheers to our hard-working team!
Thank you to our friends and allies!
And hooray for Razputin, who gets to go out now into the world.
You brave little disco angel.
If it’s red, you should buy it.
Well, even if it’s not red, you should buy it, because it’s a good magazine. But if it’s red, and has a small, psychic child on it, you should buy it and turn to page 20 and read all about the Exfoliating Scrub Psychonauts! (If it has a PICTURE, I mean, of a small psychic child. If there is an actual psychic child standing on the magazine, then just force yourself to think really hard about candy so as to distract him, while you slip a copy out from the middle of the pile.)
P.S. Thanks to Kingzjester for the Horlicks! I’m sure it’s poison, but it’s the thought that counts!
|Buy Psychonauts from EB Games, and get this:
||Buy Psychonauts at GameStop, and you get this:
Man, that is like Sophie's Choice, right there.
Let me suggest this solution: Buy TWO copies of Psychonauts, one from each of these fine retailers. Pocket both of the excellent premiums. Play one copy of the game yourself, and enjoy it immensely. Keep the other copy as a loaner
Why would you need a copy of the game just to loan out? So when people say, "I hate living. I want to kill myself." You can say, "Hm, hold on there. Have you played the Excellent Game Psychonauts yet?" And if they say, "No," then you can say, "Well you really should play that game before you die." And if then they said, "Hey, can I borrow your copy?" and you only had ONE copy (which is mathematically almost the same as having zero copies) then you might say to the person, "No way. If you're going to die soon then I'll never get it back!" And even if they said, "No, I promise! I'll leave a note on it saying that if I die someone should give this game back to you," you probably shouldn't do it because what if they kill themselves with a shot gun and the note gets covered in brains? Big problem, that's what.
But if you had a loaner copy you could just keep one, and lend one to your sad friend, probably saving his or her life. How much do your friends' lives matter to you? Well, take that number and add to it a number that represents the pleasure of owning a deck of Psychonauts playing cards and the joy of wearing a Psychonauts t-shirt, and I'll bet that is worth at least $5 more than the total cost of two copies of Psychonauts. Q.E.D. I win.
Did you read this?
How about this?
And what about this?
I hear that is very good, but I can’t seem to find the time.
In other Psychonauts news, I went to my new dentist today, and it turns out he’s bald. Not on the sides, but mostly on top. And as I sat in that chair with a little paper bib on, mouth stretched wide open, watching his masked face lean over me, scraping my teeth with his metal scrapers, I realized how good a thing this is, the baldness. From now on, I will only go to bald dentists. Why? I will hide the answer in this box, because it is gross. But also true. Look in here only if you want the gross truth:
If your dentist is bald, you don’t have to worry about his dandruff falling in your mouth.