Now, I make this website myself with a bunch of pipe cleaners, and some hot glue, and a big rock. It’s not pretty but I think the most important thing about it is that you, the reader, have the pleasure of knowing that I did not have to pay anybody to get it made.
But some people wanted more. Much more. They wanted to read the comics without doing math. They wanted to click on—get this—a button to read the “NEXT” comic!
I said, what do you think this is? Futureopolis? Hey, you know what? I want to eat a pill that tastes just like a hot fudge sundae! I want a tiny dog the size of a hamster that lives on my desk and fetches pencils. I want a car with a drill on the front so I can drive underground. And the car and the tiny dog should also taste like hot fudge. And we will have all of these things some day, IN THE FUTURE, I said. Not now. For now we have to make due with what brains I’ve got. I barely know html. Mostly I just cut and paste from other websites, and just add these things <> until it works.
But what the heck--we have a NEW comics page thanks to Kelli Townley, and her official PHP pal Aidan Dysart. I don’t know how those crazy kids did it but they got the buttons and the new layout and everything working, while I just sit here, no hot fudge, no driving underground, no tiny dog. Still, it’s pretty cool and you should go check it out. If for no other reason than the fact that they have NEW COMICS on it! All new, and in color! It’s time to live again.
See, THIS is what happens when I let the news back up. Now there’s too much of it. Dirty, filthy, NEWS!
First of all, I was digging around for something to use as a bullet point, and I found this tiny piece of Psychonauts art already on the server. Why did I upload this last February? I can’t remember! Maybe I did it in my sleep. Was I trying to tell me something? Do you care? No. Am I still talking about it? Yes.
Secondly, a bunch of us are going down to Cogswell College TOMORROW to give a little talk about the art of Psychonauts. I would have mentioned it earlier, but I was afraid people might show up and then we’d be too afraid to talk. Anyway, through some crazy loophole in our policy of secrecy, we’re able to bring down an actual playable version of the game. So there might be some playing of that. And then we’ll be showing some art and the artisans will talk about it. And because I believe so strongly that the children are the future, we will hang out and chat with the young art students of today. Then the art is going to hang in their gallery for a while. They’ve framed it and everything. It is going to be effing fancy. I hear there will be grapes and other sophisticated snacks. Even if you can’t come tomorrow, I think they’re going to leave the exhibit up for a month. You can check it out at your leisure. I will put a thumbprint on the glass in the lower left hand corner of the Raz picture. See if you can find it.
Thirdly, there is an IGN article here that mentions my beard so much, that it’s probably time to get rid of that thing. I would have shaved it long ago but Caroline, our executive producer, hates it so much it actually seems to cause her pain, and I would hate to lose that. Of course they did compare my beard to George Lucas’, so I am sharpening my razor.
And here is a beard-free write up on GameSpy of a talk I gave at D.I.C.E. last week. Now, here is what I have to say about that. You might think after reading that article that I was saying bad stuff about a certain company, but I was not. Not really. I mean I was talking about a period of time from 1989 to 1999. It’s been years since I left, and there are many good, talented people still there. And they’ve had many, many presidents since I left so everything is probably all fixed there now.
And of course, MOST IMPORTANTLY, our friendly friends over at the International House of Mojo made such a lovely banner about Psychonauts I just have to point to it. Not just beautiful—you can actually USE this banner to preorder the Excellent Game. And notice that they have mastered technologies that allow regular users to pre-order the XBOX version, but also the PS2 and PC versions as well! I don’t know how they did that. They are magic, mysterious creatures of pure light and knowledge over there.
And finally… oh wait. That part about the house of mojo one was the final one. Okay, you’re free to go.
Psychonauts keeps happening to us, every day of our lives. There are Frootloops and beer bottles everywhere. The end seems so close, so very close. We only have to drag our crippled, broken bodies across a few more yards of broken glass before we get there. When, oh when, will all this excellence hit the effing road? When will this glorious, golden ocean cruiser of a game start to haul its fat, golden ass out of our harbor? Is there enough Vaseline in the whole world to get this enormous, high-quality, blood-swollen tick out of our collective neck so that it may share what it has taken from us with the entire world?
I will eat more Frootloops. I realize now that is the problem. The game is waiting for all the Frootloops to be gone before it leaves. Why? Ours is not to question the game, but merely to do its bidding.
Die, build, die.
Why won’t you go away, build?
I’ve had so many donuts today. So many. The sugar is singing in my heart. Like a million plugged-in toasters singing in a giant, red bathtub. And the rubber ducky of my love for Psychonauts floats unharmed on the dancing water, for it is made of rubber.
Today at Double Fine we ordered in pizza for lunch, and sushi for dinner. Tomorrow another build is going up so we will eat nothing but booze. I was out of Kleenex at my desk for a while, but now I have some. The post-it notes I get are not the normal kind but the kind that unfold accordion-style, because they go in this post-it note dispenser I took with me when I left LucasArts. Did you know that if you draw a beard on John Kerry he looks just like the dad from Family Ties?
Saddle up, pardners, it's time for the...
(semi) recent PSYCHONAUTS press ROUND UP!
|Computer Gaming World
||Coverage of our PC version in which I'm quoted saying the word "thing" about nineteen hundred zillion times. And, ladies-- it was written by Evan Shamoon!
|Computer Games Magazine
||We're in the "The most anticipated games of 2005!" Which is awesome. My goal is to have Psychonauts NOT win this award next year. Haha. Get it? Get it Majesco?
I love you, Majesco.
|Electronic Gaming Monthly
||We are one of "The New Contenders!" It's so nice to be new again!
||What? 2004? What's that? I don't remember any such time. Well, there is a rare screenshot in this magazine so get your time machine ready for travel and your eyeballs ready for pleasure.
||"Clever is the first word that comes to mind. Maybe brilliant says it better." Might I also suggest, "sexy" and "delicious?"
|Official Xbox Magazine
||We are in here, like, three times. Once in an article about how rad Psychonauts is, once in an article about how rad Double Fine is, and once in a short blurb about how rad Tom is because he picked us as a "Power Pick for 2005." If these guys wanted to change the name of the magazine to "Official Psychonauts Magazine" I totally wouldn't sue them. P.S. The word "Rad" is totally coming back. Get ready.
||Full-page preview. I forgive them for the name spelling thing because the article is big and pretty.
|Tips and Tricks
||Something about being in Tips and Tricks makes me feel super-legit. I think I'd feel more legit if they'd start sending me free copies, though.
The following publications exist only in the form of ELECTRICITY, which can be dangerous. But the upside is you can just click on the name there and read the article. Just be careful, Chaka.
||I talked WAY too much in this article about comedy in games. Hey, bro, you know what's really funny? SILENCE. Well, not really. Unless it's also... DEADLY.
||Double Fine programmer Anna Kipnis is quoted in this article about women in games, as is our own Majesco Marketeer, Liz Buckley. Psychonauts, strangely, is not mentioned, even though I am told chicks dig it.
I promise. Tomorrow: no real news.
Sent: Saturday, January 08, 2005 11:14 PM
Subject: Stop punishing us!
Okay! Enough already about the Excellent Game Psychonauts. Tell us more about the beard! Don’t you have any pictures??? What does it smell like?
This is just one of a million letters that we have received here at Double Fine that say almost exactly the same thing. I might be forced to make a f.a.q. page about my new beard! What does it smell like? It smells like a combination of my head and my lunch. As far as pictures go… well it makes me feel really funny putting up pictures of my face on line. For free, I mean. But here I go. If you must know what my beard looks like, it looks… a little something… like THIS.
So, I try to follow my new year’s resolution and post to this here high-profile, opinion-setting, internet destination every day, and now I’m getting complaints that the news items have no meaty Psychonauts news in them. Sheesh! People! You just can’t please people with the internet! And you can’t kill people with the internet either. One or the other would solve all my problems. If you want real news go to www.psychonauts.com for crying out loud! They spend money on that site! Or go to this secret destination to hear more information.
It’s 1:30 in the morning, so I’m going to have to date this post as Saturday, but really it’s still our Friday work day here at Double Fine. This day is stretching out to infinity, because we are trying to make a build of this game about which I offer no news.
Making a build of The Excellent Game Psychonauts is hard. It’s like catching a beautiful, wild stallion, that’s running free across the verdant hillside, throwing a scratchy rope around its neck and golden mane, whispering in its ear to soothe its fierce thrashing, petting its nose until it settles down, and then lifting it with a big crane into a vat of bleach because it’s covered with hundreds and hundreds of bugs.
And then eating it and selling the hooves as ashtrays. That’s what making a game is like.
Okay, after looking at some Indonesian Tsunami damage photos, I now feel really bad for complaining about our little flood yesterday. Yes, my old Adventurer magazines are a little yellow and crinkly now. But I’m alive and the shape of the landmass I live on is still the same so I guess I should just shut up.
P.S. Hey, Observer. Can you tell that one of my New Year’s Resolutions was to update the Double Fine Action News every day? Maybe you did not realize this because I failed completely on the first day of the year: January 1, 2005. No posting. And none on the second. Furthermore, on the third, we had an all-day lack of success. And one more time on the fourth—total resolution failure. But then on the fifth day my beard was long enough that it could actually reach the ground and drag my unconscious body out of the cold puddle of eggnog I was sleeping in for some reason. It pulled itself up onto my computer keyboard, and typed words! Then it dragged me over to my desk light and held my face up against the hot bulb until the burning smell woke me up. And now here I am! Typing! With no beard help whatsoever! Well, actually, it’s still helping me with the spelling. But still, my new year’s resolution airplane has left the runway, folded up its landing gear, and the people on it can use everything but their cell phones.
That’s how you can tell this is for real, baby. Because it’s starting out slow. Not with a bang, but with a soft sputtering noise, like an old radiator turning on. Sput! News! Sput!
This just in: the Double Fine Action News has been updated!
This is it! The words you are reading right now! That’s the update!
Okay, it may not be a big deal to you, but it’s a big deal to me since we are super busy here right now, putting the FINAL TOUCHES on the Excellent Game Psychonauts, and I never have time to update this page. Don’t even mention the Action News Banner. Look it’s still got George Bush and Jay Leno on it. Geeze.
Okay, this actually happened: the office suite above us leaked and dripped down and got all over my old copies of Grim Fandango, Korean Throttle, and that copy of the Adventurer with the monkey jumble in it. Now they’re all bumpy. Thank god the box full of pictures of ME is safe. Damn you, upstairs neighbors! Leaky bastards!
It was from their bathroom too, and so I really don’t even want to talk about it. I never told you about the sewage problems we had in the old building, because I wanted you all to come work here. But let’s just say Double Fine is CURSED with UNWANTED FLOODS and I DON’T know WHY. Ahhh! Even my CAPS LOCK key is MAD NOW!
Beard says: “Kill them. Kill them all! And get this piece of cheese out of me!”