I would like to announce that an announcement is coming soon.
And when you read this announcement, not only will you crap your pants, but you will crap your neighbors pants. You will crap your neighbor’s pants so hard, that your neighbor will have to repaint his whole house. But he will be laughing the whole time because this announcement is as good as a million pairs of pants. This announcement is as good as a million pairs of solid gold, MAGIC pants.
“Magic pants” would be a good name for the male equivalent of the Wonder Bra, I think.
Sweet, merciful heavens, what were they thinking? Microsoft has APPROVED the EXCELLENT GAME PSYCHONAUTS for the XBOX!
That’s right! We have passed certification! I would like to say something brilliant right now but I’m speechless. Oh, and did I mention that the PC version went gold on Wednesday? Soon the PS2 version will be done and no one will be safe! Oh, and also, Official Xbox Magazine gave us a 9.5 in their review this month!
Is this actually happening? Can it be real? Did I choke on a potsticker during one of our crunch mode meals and I’m in a coma in a hospital bed and I’m dreaming all this right now? Or has there been some rift in the space/time continuum that has suspended logic and probability, and allowed our long-suffering game to finally end happily? I don’t get how this could be happening. Did the universe just give up on it’s efforts to ruin our lives? Did the gods just find some other game to pick on? I mean, who slipped up and let us get through? I’m sure one of Satan’s lackey’s is going to get fired over this.
My personal apologies go out to all those aligned with the forces of mediocrity and small-mindedness who tried to shut us down over and over again for the last five years. I’m sorry things didn’t work out for you this time. I will say that although I am not bitter, I remember all of your names. Also, I’m going to send consolation cards to your mothers and fathers, because they must be disappointed most of all by your failure.
Cheers to our hard-working team!
Thank you to our friends and allies!
And hooray for Razputin, who gets to go out now into the world.
You brave little disco angel.
If it’s red, you should buy it.
Well, even if it’s not red, you should buy it, because it’s a good magazine. But if it’s red, and has a small, psychic child on it, you should buy it and turn to page 20 and read all about the Exfoliating Scrub Psychonauts! (If it has a PICTURE, I mean, of a small psychic child. If there is an actual psychic child standing on the magazine, then just force yourself to think really hard about candy so as to distract him, while you slip a copy out from the middle of the pile.)
P.S. Thanks to Kingzjester for the Horlicks! I’m sure it’s poison, but it’s the thought that counts!
|Buy Psychonauts from EB Games, and get this:
||Buy Psychonauts at GameStop, and you get this:
Man, that is like Sophie's Choice, right there.
Let me suggest this solution: Buy TWO copies of Psychonauts, one from each of these fine retailers. Pocket both of the excellent premiums. Play one copy of the game yourself, and enjoy it immensely. Keep the other copy as a loaner
Why would you need a copy of the game just to loan out? So when people say, "I hate living. I want to kill myself." You can say, "Hm, hold on there. Have you played the Excellent Game Psychonauts yet?" And if they say, "No," then you can say, "Well you really should play that game before you die." And if then they said, "Hey, can I borrow your copy?" and you only had ONE copy (which is mathematically almost the same as having zero copies) then you might say to the person, "No way. If you're going to die soon then I'll never get it back!" And even if they said, "No, I promise! I'll leave a note on it saying that if I die someone should give this game back to you," you probably shouldn't do it because what if they kill themselves with a shot gun and the note gets covered in brains? Big problem, that's what.
But if you had a loaner copy you could just keep one, and lend one to your sad friend, probably saving his or her life. How much do your friends' lives matter to you? Well, take that number and add to it a number that represents the pleasure of owning a deck of Psychonauts playing cards and the joy of wearing a Psychonauts t-shirt, and I'll bet that is worth at least $5 more than the total cost of two copies of Psychonauts. Q.E.D. I win.
Did you read this?
How about this?
And what about this?
I hear that is very good, but I can’t seem to find the time.
In other Psychonauts news, I went to my new dentist today, and it turns out he’s bald. Not on the sides, but mostly on top. And as I sat in that chair with a little paper bib on, mouth stretched wide open, watching his masked face lean over me, scraping my teeth with his metal scrapers, I realized how good a thing this is, the baldness. From now on, I will only go to bald dentists. Why? I will hide the answer in this box, because it is gross. But also true. Look in here only if you want the gross truth:
If your dentist is bald, you don’t have to worry about his dandruff falling in your mouth.
I thought it was Tuesday! Look at the date of yesterday’s post! There is no “Monday, March 8!” Except, maybe in the year 2015, and I’m just making that up. Did I miss anything? Besides the first day of the Game Developer’s Conference, I mean? Oh, that reminds me. If you go to the expo at GDC you can actually PLAY the PC version of the Excellent Game Psychonauts! Play it with your own hands, and eyes, and your beating heart! It will be running in both the NVidia (410) and Creative (920) booths. Those numbers in parenthesis are booth numbers. Furthermore, (Infinity). That number in parenthesis is how much I love you.
Okay, there is a ton of stuff going on, but I have nothing to say. How is that possible? Because I have no brain left. We all used every brain cell we had as a company to make Psychonauts, and now it is done (except for all the stuff we still have to do) and my brain is… I can’t find the words because my brain is so… you know what I’m saying. Stoopid. That’s the word. I should have saved one brain cell, just so I could find my house. But no.
Anyway, we have been getting a ton of great press about Psychonauts, but the fan sites are so much more on top of it than me, so if you want to catch up on all the new game info, you should probably just go check them out instead! The International House of Mojo always has the latest, as does Razputin’s Domain. Tim Fandango has recently updated, and I like the art in their header bar. The Church of Tim seems to hate news. (And recently, anything that rhymes with “news.”) I have to admire that in a way. I’m not sure exactly what the Church of Tim is, to tell you the truth, but it seems to be an artist who looks like Che Guevara writing a diary from the point of view of a fictitious, nine-year-old Irish girl. Oh, and there’s a naked picture of me. Kinda.
The Game Developer’s Conference is in town, and it’s happening like two blocks from our offices. I can see them from my desk. Hey, if you’re at the conference look over here! I’m leaning out my window, waving. Hello!
Turns out A&W did, at one time, sell a “Velveeta Burger.”
Thanks for all the letters.
Weird! It turns out I was on that Gamespot show! I had no idea. But it was nice to see myself again. The whole interview is still up on their site I guess until they bump Psychonauts for those dang Canadian doctors. Dang them and their shifty, Northern ways.
If you haven’t been paying attention then that last paragraph probably made no sense whatsoever. But I have no time to make sense. It’s all about finishing the Euphonious Salami Psychonauts (or E.S.P. as it is known on the street)! We just have to put in a couple more car chases and fart jokes and sit back and wait. Wait for what? Why for the state to issue new history books to all the schools—books that divide all of man’s time on Earth into B.P. (Before Psychonauts) and A.P. (some Latin phrase nobody really understands but it kind of means “After Psychonauts”).
Shhh! Listen: An awesome new Psychonauts fan site has emerged!
I warn you: their site looks better than doublefine.com. That’s because I put doublefine.com together my own self and I only taught myself enough about FrontPage to get this site up, and orange, and then I gave my brain a much needed vacation. (But, don’t worry. I’m not done. As soon as I figure out how to make one of those cool, rainbow-colored separator bars and the flying pig that chases your cursor around, this page is going to get a whole lot sexier.) But for now, if you want elegance, sophistication, and hot Psychonauts action, check out razputin.net. I predict they will be a better source of information about Psychonauts than this page here, which is really just a source of information about the color orange.
And a place for me to type, since they won’t let me add any more dialog to the game.
Hey, I just noticed. This page looks a lot like Velveeta. Like maybe if A&W served Velveeta.