Okay, I’ve been gone for a while, and I’ve kind of forgot what this space here is for.
I think its some sort of “blog” from the format of it. So I guess I’m supposed to talk about my feelings, and what kind of music I’m listening to, and stuff about my cat’s health. Man. What a drag. Okay, but here it goes: I am feeling a little itchy, especially around the back of my right knee. I am listening to the chirping air conditioner vent over my head. We are putting my girlfriend’s cat under observation because somebody accidentally scratched her on that special spot on her spine that makes cat’s do that weird, robotic, air-licking thing. Which I have to admit is pretty funny, but years ago, the day after I did that to my mom’s cat, the cat was paralyzed from the waist down and started turning blue and had to be put to sleep. So DON’T scratch your cat on the lower spine. Do not. The long-term results are as sad as the immediate results are hilarious.
Well, that’s kind of helpful advice, I guess, but also kind of a bummer. Man. Blogs suck. Why do people want to read this kind of stuff?
In general, I mean. Lots of good stuff on there. But tonight, in particular, there is a lot more Psychonauts on it than usual. For instance, I will be a guest on the show G4TV.COM. Watch me mumble and look nervous tonight at 10 PM Eastern / 7 PM Pacific on G4TV!!!
What? You are too busy playing the excellent game Psychonauts? I understand!
I put that headline up there for people who were surfing the internet SO FAST yesterday that they possibly overlooked the true nature of the big announcement. It was easy to miss, because I wrapped it in a protective sheath of hilarity. So let’s pull back the sheath and let there be no confusion about it! We have Double Fine t-shirts for sale! If that was the whole announcement, I think that would be pretty exciting. But no, there is more. Check it out!
I would say more but I got three fillings today and half my face is still numb and I’m worried that if I talk I’ll drool.
Hey, has anyone heard the radio commercials for Psychonauts yet? I heard Howard Stern read one on his show. Man, I would like to have a tape of that.
(And by “tape” I mean of course, the way-hipper “MP3.” Oh, man. I wish I had an MP3 of that. And I wish that the word “ripped” could be involved in there somewhere. Oh man, I am drooling.)
I am going down to LA tomorrow to be on G4. And there is a television commercial for Psychonauts that you can see on Mtv, among other places. Crazy! It’s like suddenly it’s raining love.
What is the announcement? There have been several guesses, all centered around the idea that the clue “Foist celery upon abdomen!” was what liguobiologists call an “ANAGRAM.” Now I don’t know what those words mean, but following that line of logic, people guessed that the announcement was one of the following things:
#1: “A mercy, Double Fine’s on top”
#2: “Double Fine art pony comes!”
#3: “Double Fine Company Store!”
And the answer is: THEY ARE ALL TRUE!
#1 is true. And a nice, concise summary of my ramblings a few days ago. Double Fine is number one! Yeah!! In your face, games industry!
#2 is the main one. That’s the big surprise. Double Fine’s Art Pony has definitely come. And here it is:
So that’s it! The big announcement! The Double Fine Art Pony!
I hope you liked it. It took me a long time, mostly because of all the shading.
Oh, also, #3 is true!
And I swear we are going to be announcing something good really soon!
On a completely unrelated topic, today is also the ship date of the Externally Submitted Psychonauts! This game has had many ship dates, but this one is the shippinest because the game has actually SHIPPED. Don’t believe me? Look! We got our copies!
Where are yours?
Okay, I’m lying. That cement thing is not really a hint. But it kinda makes you go, “Huh,” doesn’t it? You know? Especially since “cement” is a NOUN? You follow? “A Noun, Cement?” That’s got to mean something!
Anyway, The Announcement is only one day away! Some people have guessed that The Announcement is going to be… THE GAME. And it’s true—The release date for the Endodontic Surgery Psychonauts is indeed April 19, which is—according to ancient astronomers—TOMORROW. But, uh… that was already announced, like, a million thousand years ago. How would “announcing” that again make anyone crap their pants? Unless they were a baby, I guess. But even then, you’d have to time it just right, and maybe squeeze it.
No, The Announcement is not the game. In fact, if you went down to your local Video Computer Gaming Store tomorrow and stood in the door and yelled, “I decoded The Announcement! I’m here for the Ecclesiastical Sacrament Psychonauts!” you might be sad for many reasons, mostly because the 19th is the SHIP DATE. Which I think means that is the day they ship it to the stores. I’m not 100% sure about the situation at the store nearest you, but we called some stores and they say that The Game will be on the shelves on the 20th. But don’t take my word for it. Call your local store to confirm. Call them right now! Call them many times! Ask them if they have Psychonauts yet! Over and over and over until they say yes.
But do it by phone so you can be home to receive a noun we call cement. I mean, do you really want to be the last to know? The last to know that your life has changed forever?
I would also like to not announce that we have new jobs posted on the Double Fine Jobs Page!!! Why not stop by and pick up a job for yourself? After you play the Existential Sonnet Psychonauts, trust me, you are going to want MORE. Much more. You don’t want to wait a long time for Double Fine’s next game. You want to MAKE Double Fine’s next game. So what are you waiting for? Come on! The more the merrier!
Please decide amongst yourselves who is the best and smartest and nicest of you all, and then let that person come here and make awesome games!!!
Please. Do it for me. See, I have told everybody here every joke I know, and every adorable story from my adorable childhood. They are sick of it. Sick and mad. And I don’t want to have to learn any NEW jokes, so please, won’t you come work here so I can tell you all these same, tired stories? I have them all memorized and I can say them all really fast. It would take no time at all before you were as bored as the rest of the employees here. Bored and happy.
Now, here is another clue about the exciting ANNOUNCEMENT that I will be making soon:
Foist celery upon abdomen!
Okay, since Tuesday is coming quick, I’ll give you another clue:
I’m reading The Da Vinci Code!
Are you a total BABY or what? Stop asking for clues and figure it out, Little Baby Foo Foo!
This is not the announcement. This is just me posting some info on the PC demo of Psychonauts. If this were the actual announcement, your pants would have been crapped by now.
Anyway, in case you haven’t heard, private citizens may now download a PC demo of the most significant literary work of Mankind’s Postlinear Age, PSYCHO-EFFING-NAUTS!!!!!
Download the demo and play it right now!!! It is a large demo (456 MB) but every MB is an MB full of pleasure and value! It is an awesome demo, and you will like it I hope. And it will help you kill time while you wait for The Announcement.
So will these brain-teasing clues about The Announcement:
1) It is rad.
2) It is going to be something you can start messing with THIS COMING TUESDAY.
3) It will cost you money.
4) You will not mind.
I would like to announce that an announcement is coming soon.
And when you read this announcement, not only will you crap your pants, but you will crap your neighbors pants. You will crap your neighbor’s pants so hard, that your neighbor will have to repaint his whole house. But he will be laughing the whole time because this announcement is as good as a million pairs of pants. This announcement is as good as a million pairs of solid gold, MAGIC pants.
“Magic pants” would be a good name for the male equivalent of the Wonder Bra, I think.
Sweet, merciful heavens, what were they thinking? Microsoft has APPROVED the EXCELLENT GAME PSYCHONAUTS for the XBOX!
That’s right! We have passed certification! I would like to say something brilliant right now but I’m speechless. Oh, and did I mention that the PC version went gold on Wednesday? Soon the PS2 version will be done and no one will be safe! Oh, and also, Official Xbox Magazine gave us a 9.5 in their review this month!
Is this actually happening? Can it be real? Did I choke on a potsticker during one of our crunch mode meals and I’m in a coma in a hospital bed and I’m dreaming all this right now? Or has there been some rift in the space/time continuum that has suspended logic and probability, and allowed our long-suffering game to finally end happily? I don’t get how this could be happening. Did the universe just give up on it’s efforts to ruin our lives? Did the gods just find some other game to pick on? I mean, who slipped up and let us get through? I’m sure one of Satan’s lackey’s is going to get fired over this.
My personal apologies go out to all those aligned with the forces of mediocrity and small-mindedness who tried to shut us down over and over again for the last five years. I’m sorry things didn’t work out for you this time. I will say that although I am not bitter, I remember all of your names. Also, I’m going to send consolation cards to your mothers and fathers, because they must be disappointed most of all by your failure.
Cheers to our hard-working team!
Thank you to our friends and allies!
And hooray for Razputin, who gets to go out now into the world.
You brave little disco angel.