Recent reports have indicated that the previous news item was posted a long time ago, and though thrilling in it’s day, it is now both old, and boring.
Objective, third-party testing has subsequently proven, however, that the previous post continues to delight, inform, and entertain. More now than ever. How this can be true, two weeks after it’s initial posting, no one knows. Scientists have postulated that this phenomena could be due to some sort of Christmas miracle.
Double Fine has moved! We are finally in a building actually meant for humans to work in. Which means no more stories about rats! Now we can finally get down to some hard, cold, super-informative, Psychonauts news!!!
Right after this: When we moved (and I warn you, this is not a hilarious exaggeration but in fact the possibly-not-entertaining truth) we found that, under every bookshelf (let me juice this story up at this point by putting the flashlight under my chin, pointing up, and speaking slower and lower so that everyone has to scoot in toward the campfire to hear me) was a little… rat… city. Or, should I say, the ruins of little rat cities. No actual living rats were found. But just their structures. Their houses and temples. Little piles of shredded McDonalds wrappers, pushed into delicious mounds of rat house.
It must have been so sweet for them, living in the basement apartment of a hastily-assembled IKEA bookshelf, gnawing cheese product off a filet-o-fish wrapper, all the while listening to programmers play quake. Hearing the explosions, gunfire, and screams of pain coming from above must have delighted the rats. “Ha ha! The humans are killing each other,” they thought as they nibbled, “Soon the world, and all the McDonalds wrappers in it will be ours to shred and pile!”
Suckers. When we’re dead, who’s going to buy all the fast food and leave the wrappers in Wilson’s garbage can for them? No one, that’s who. We’ll be gone, but soon after we go, so will the rats. And the best part is, before they die, there will be this one moment where they realize that humans had a purpose after all, and they will feel stupid and sorry. All over the world, thousands of millions of rats will starve to death at just about the same time, and a galaxy made up of all their tiny, little, peanut brains will be surging with the chemicals of regret.
I can see that galaxy now, through the telescope of my imagination, twinkling with rat sorrow, growing dark, lonely, and cold.
Die you %#$@&! rats. You shall nibble the flesh of Double Fine no more! Why don’t you shred and pile my middle finger, huh? Cuz that’s all you’re going to get. Except that you’re not even going to get that, because I was speaking figuratively.
Eh, what’s that? You don’t understand the concept of figurative speech, because you’re just a dumb rodent? Oh, I’m sorry. I thought you were soooo smart because you figured out how to chew through the vinyl floor molding by Jon Stone’s desk and crawl up through it into the art pit so that you could eat Lance’s candy and leave the wrapper on Kim’s desk. Ffffft! I can do that. In fact, I have done the last two steps, many times. Anyway, you’re dumb and I hate you.
In other news, we hired a producer, and a gameplay programmer! Thank you for all the applications. Now you should re-word them and re-apply for our remaining positions: Environment Artist/Designer, and Visual Effects Programmer. Come on you guys! We have a nicer place now. If the rats scared you before, put that out of your mind. Just think about how unhappy they are. That’s the opposite of how happy you will be when you work at Double Fine. You will be as happy as a million rats dying, but opposite-style.
Exciting Psychonauts news: We are having a garage sale!!!
The place we are moving to is furnished, so we are selling off our chairs and desks and lamps and stuff. There’s enough here that you could probably come early and buy most of the necessary pieces to start your own game company! Especially if you know a lot about cloning, because there are many chunks of skin and hair slammed into the file cabinets and burned onto the lamps we are selling. Should be able to get some good programmer DNA off of that stuff at least.
This Sunday, June 29
215 Clara Street
10:00 am until 2:00pm
These desks are full of history, and so many of our employees tears. Won’t you give them a home?
Okay this is your last reminder about the party, because we’re about to take our server and phones down for the big office move. Don’t be offended if we ignore your email for a few days okay?
The only way to get in touch with double fine for a while will be through the dogs-barking-in-backyards network, like in the old 101 Dalmatians movie. So I hope you speak dog.
Oh, unless you come to the party and slow dance with us and get us to write our home phone numbers on your hand with an eyebrow pencil.
Don’t forget: the Dream Date with Double Fine party is tomorrow, and you’re coming.
The party is so soon, we are ALREADY out of ice…
Double Fine is moving offices! We are giving up the rats, giving up the smell of bum pee. We are moving on to the land of eternally working toilets! Hooo-ray.
But you know, the one thing this old warehouse was always fun for was throwing killer parties. This is our last chance, so we’re inviting everyone! Come on down Friday night to 215 Clara Street in fabulous San Francisco. We’re near 5th street, between Folsom and Harrison. Kind of close to the All Star Donuts. Around the corner from the Olympic Deli’s burned-up awning. Near where that junkie is passed out, just past that pile of used syringes. That’s the place! Party!
8:00pm until whenever.
I’m already kinda drunk. Will you slow dance with me? Come on, this is our song.
Okay, whoops. I was wrong. Lorne Lanning is on TV. I often get the two of us confused because we like, practically, twins. You can see the Halo guys, too. Oh, and the Crimson Skies team. My face does flash on the screen for a second—just long enough for me to say that games invented surrealism. (God, when will I remember the golden rule of interviews: Shut up and don’t say a word!) Psychonauts does appear for a moment, and right when it’s on screen, Ed Fries says something that I won’t quote because it’s not the words that matter, but the meaning of the words. And if you listen to what he says the meaning is obvious: Ed thinks that Double Fine Productions is THEE GREATEST GAME COMPANY EVER OF ALL TIME EVER. And after that part, he adds that he loves us, and has a crush on many of us, and wishes we all hung out more, and that if we’re not doing anything this weekend, he’d like to see the Hulk with all of us, and then maybe play Pictionary after and have root beer floats. What makes this last part so effective is that he says it entirely WITH HIS EYES.
Hey, look! It’s…
If you catch the scene where Doctor Loboto takes out Dogen Boole’s pesky brain—the actor who plays Dr. Loboto is Nick Jameson, who also did the voices of Fred, Red, and Zed Edison in Day of the Tentacle, he played Darrel and Mavis (the projectionist) in Full Throttle, and in Sam and Max? d00d, he’s Max. And that’s…
We’re on TV! Right now!
Or so I hear.
They’re showing it again at 11:00.
If I remember correctly, I was a moron in the interview.
And there will be PLENTY of opportunity to see that in the future. Trust me.
Here’s some news: The rats have won. We’re moving. But our new place is better, and we gave a fake forwarding address to the rats, so we won’t be seeing them any more!
At least that’s what I think it says in this article. I’m pretty good at Norway talk, and from what I can tell, the people of Norway, so touched by the favorable and constant coverage they receive from the Double Fine Action News, have made me, and my associate producer Camilla, the new King and Queen of Norway. I would like to say that this comes as a total shock to me, but… come on you guys! I’m an adorably humble man, but didn’t we all see this coming?
I’ll probably be moving to that tiny island nation as soon as they send a boat for me. Once there, I shall take my rightful throne, hopefully without needless bloodshed. Please forward all my mail to my new address:
KING OF NORWAY
Norway City, Norway 94107
We can’t figure out why, but we think the change is permanent.