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Quick! To the cave of false promises! Ha! Sucker!
Hi! I love you! I am so tired of your crap, Batman.
Quick! To the cave of false promises! Ask me no questions, I tell you no lies!
Hi! I love you! I trusted you! How could you tell me all that junk?
Quick! To the cave of false promises! That's a question! I warned you! Prepare yourself for another lie!
Why is everybody so mad? I'm just a little old press release... B-man! I love your work. Wanna go grab some buffalo wings or something?
Quick! To the cave of false promises! Sure thing. We are brother and sister after all.
Hi! I love you! WHAT!?! Brother and sister?? That explains everything! The election and--
Quick! To the cave of false promises! Oh, man. I warn you that a lie is coming and you STILL fall for it.
Why is everybody so mad? I'm just a little old press release... He's great, isn't he? Come on, let's go. I'm thinking maybe Tony Roma's now.
Quick! To the cave of false promises! Onion Tower!
03/17/2004 - 09:31 AM


Hi! I love you! Come on everybody! We just need a few hundred more votes and then we’ll win the GameSpy title fight!
Why is everybody so mad? I'm just a little old press release... BWAH HA HA! You’ll never win!
Hi! I love you! Sure we will! We all just have to BELIEVE.
Why is everybody so mad? I'm just a little old press release... It’s time you took a careful evaluation of current market place realities and underlying economic considerations!
Hi! I love you! Ouch!
I'm actually a very nice guy. It’s all about design, man.
Why is everybody so mad? I'm just a little old press release... Design all you want, chumps. We rigged the election!
I'm actually a very nice guy. Gasp!
Hi! I love you! But... but why would you want to do that?
Why is everybody so mad? I'm just a little old press release... BWAH HA HA! Because I love to see children cry!
Hi! I love you! Never!
Why is everybody so mad? I'm just a little old press release... Come on baby. Cry.
Hi! I love you! No!
Why is everybody so mad? I'm just a little old press release... Daddy’s favorite baby girl. One, two, three… CRY!
Hi! I love you! No!
I'm actually a very nice guy. Chrono Trigger is an excellent, excellent game, you know.
Hi! I love you! Waaaaaaaaa!
Why is everybody so mad? I'm just a little old press release... Delicious! The tears of a heartbroken child gather like fresh morning dew on the crabgrass in my heart! And as the tiny lawn spiders that also live in my heart come out to drink of the dew, I am delighted! Bwahhhhh ha ha! Ah-ha-ha-ha! Drink little heart spiders! Drink!
03/15/2004 - 06:13 PM


It's GameSpy title fight time again! Beating Gabriel Knight was one thing. We had the element of surprise then. We hit them hard while they were still tying their shoes. And then we pulled hair and used our fingernails. I'm not saying it wasn't fun. I'm just saying we're not going to get any breaks this time. Grim is up against Chrono Trigger (I've heard that's John Romero's favorite game, so let's just call it "John Romero's Chrono Trigger") and Knights of the Old Republic (let's just call that "The People Who Cancelled Sam and Max 2's Knights of the Old Republic"). Now the LAST thing I would ever want to do is influence your vote in any way. I'm only trying to provide a service: to present your voting choices to you in a clear, fair, objective manner. Here they are again:

Hi! I love you! I'm actually a very nice guy. Why is everybody so mad? I'm just a little old press release...
The game I made! Hi! John Romero's Chrono Trigger TPWCS&M2's KotOR

GameSpy hasn't updated yet, so if you click here you may, or may not, be able to vote yet. But I know you need some time to get those auto-voting-bots warmed up, so start clicking now! Go!
03/15/2004 - 05:14 PM


Normally, I am to lazy to put up fan art, no matter how good it is. In fact, if it’s any good at all that just makes it worse. I feel threatened by the fan’s skill, and am forced to do whatever I can to suppress it. This is how we professionals maintain the thin, orange line that separates us from the rogue creatives.

But the art below is just too good not to share. Also, it’s Friday and screw it. Like I’m going to write something on a Friday! I lean on the newsreaders for content. They are like a crutch for me, in many ways: They offer support, they smell like my armpit, and I can’t wait until I don’t need them anymore. 

Haha! Of course I am just cruel-teasing you, friends. This is how I was raised. This is how my people show love. It might seem like a cold way to communicate, but so is Morse Code. And do you think that no one ever used Morse Code to send a love letter? Well, actually, maybe that never happened, unless I guess one telegraph operator fell in love with another telegraph operator. Nonetheless:  - .... . /  .-..—- ...- . /  .. ... /  - .... . .-. . .-.-.- /  ... ..- -.-. -.- . .-. .-.-.- !!!

And now, some tear-jerking ASCII art from Jan Jacob Mekes:


So good.

And here, this guy Drew Morgan made his own episode of the Double Fine Action Comics!

Scott was sincerely touched by your efforts, Drew. It made him quite emotional, and at the same time, quite unnecessary. Why do I pay him when you’re sending me this stuff for free? Am I right Drew? So he’s fired, you’re hired. Show up at 6am tomorrow. Plan on sleeping here the first night because you’ll have a backlog of comics to catch up on. Don’t touch the free coffee—that’s for regular employees. If you find any change in the couch, it’s mine. Oh, and from now on, your nickname is “Dookie la Pud.” Man! I love hiring people!!


03/12/2004 - 04:31 PM


Alright, alright. I was lying about Erik. Maybe he does work here, but trust me—only slightly. And not very hard, or well. But he is adorable and really, really hilarious to have around the office. Mostly because every time you turn around, he’s gotten himself into another crazy jam! Just yesterday he got his head caught in the scanner! Ha ha. We all laughed and laughed, until the poor little guy started crying—and then we really busted up! Before long he totally started spazzing out and flailing his arms around and making this hysterical, wheezing sort of sound, which you would think would be funny, but it was in fact very scary and funny!

I was going to make fun of him more but I feel bad and also I’m all sleepy. Not because it’s late, but because I ate a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and I think I have a wheat allergy, or a jam intolerance. Or possibly an allergy to eating microwaved egg-rolls in the dark, which I also did, but a little later.

I realize as I type this, that that last part might come off as kind of sad, but trust me—there are things in Costco egg rolls that you don’t want to see. You just gotta turn out the lights, take off your shirt, and go to town.

Oh, and I have another plug: Kelli really wants everyone to start washing their own dishes around here. She ain’t your mamma, and she’s sick of you leaving your dirty coffee cups in the conference room. And, while she’s at it, she also wants everyone to know that Scott totally STOLE the unicorn in DFAC #10 from HER.

actually—> Run! It's that girl from Ferris Bueller again!<—by Kelli

So now you know.

Not sure why she’s bragging about that. I mean, really,*I* could have drawn that. Here, watch:

Not to scale

Oh, wait. No. That’s a picture of Kelli. Hang on. Let me really try to draw a unicorn this time…


Ah, whoops! I have accidentally created beauty… again!

03/11/2004 - 04:00 PM

Wednesday, March 10, 2004

Mathematics, Internet Deliver Voting Mandate 2004-03-10

Thanks to Christianity, CNN.

On Friday, Grim Fandango made it to the next round in Gamespy’s best game of all time voting contest. A couple of days before that, CNN included the following piece of information in an article about The Passion of The Christ:

The number 666, which many Christians recognize as the “mark of the beast,” is appearing on movie tickets for Gibson’s film…

I hope CNN does a follow-up article on these mysterious Christians who don’t recognize the mark of the beast. I don’t want to judge because that’s a job for God, and I don’t want to be judge and jury because that’s Judge Dredd’s job, but if you don’t recognize the mark of the beast, you may be Christian, but you’re not very good at it. From Atheists to Zoroastrians, everybody recognizes the mark of the beast. Babies don’t.  But if that’s who CNN’s counting then they’re gonna to have to qualify every factual statement they ever make, because babies know roughly dick about anything.  That’s why adults have to be so diligent about checking them for moles shaped like the mark of the beast. The point is – well, one point is that any baby could be the fourth or second coming of Satan depending on whether you’re counting by Omens or Rosemary’s Babies – but the other point is that there are some things everybody knows.  Regardless of what CNN says, the mark of the beast is one. Another good example is that Grim Fandango is better than its next Gamespy challenger, Chrono Trigger.

I’m not going to pretend that I like Grim Fandango.  I’m not even going to pretend that I ever played Grim Fandango. Anymore.  I had to pretend those things a little to get this job. And I’m sick of it. And you can take the lie I told to get this job and shove it. Though I’d like to keep the job if possible, please.  I also don’t like and have never played Chrono Trigger. All of this makes me a completely objective judge of both games.

I don’t know much about either game, but I do know that if you search Usenet for “Chrono Trigger sucks” not only will you not find anyone not not saying Chrono Trigger is better than Grim Fandango, you’ll discover that a lot of people think Chrono Trigger is pretty sucky, for example in this thread plainly titled “CT sucks”.  And if you need another reason why Chrono Trigger sucks, check out this thread called “Another reason why Chrono Trigger sucks”. Still think Chrono Trigger doesn’t suck? Well, then, I guess you’re smarter than the Internet, because that’s where you’ll find this essay entitled “Chrono sucks”. And the Internet expressed that opinion way back in 1996.  So even if Grim Fandango totally sucks, it couldn’t possibly suck as much as Chrono Trigger, because Chrono Trigger has been sucking longer than Grim Fandango has even existed.

With that observation, we’ve left the subjective realm of conjecture and entered the world of basic math, just the foundation for most subtractions and all of science except for I think geology. Which kind of turns this next bracket into the video game ranking version of the Scopes Monkey Trial. This time there’s no actual monkey wearing his best teeny suit on trial for his little life, but the principle remains the same. A vote for Chrono Trigger is metaphorically a vote against the rational basis of all modern thought. And literally a vote against monkeys. You can’t actually vote yet, but that shouldn’t stop you from trying.

03/10/2004 - 03:43 PM
05/24/13 - 11:16 PM
Bidiot Bales:
"I'm reading this... FROM THE FUTURE!"


There were some allegations of omissions in the previous post regarding the staff of Sam and Max 2. Instead of needlessly rehashing old “mistakes” (not that I admit to making any) and creating a tedious list of what those omissions may or may not have been, I’m just going to go back and edit the previous post to make it look like I was right the whole time, which I was, and future generations will never know. Who are they going to believe, me or you? Do you have an orange web page of your own? No. Some of you may think editing previous posts is wrong, but if loving America is wrong then I don’t want to be right!

Speaking of people who love America, it’s time to open a letter from the Double Fine Mail Bag! The low-morale, high-turnover staff of interns that we have manning our spam-clogged info line forwarded a special email to me today from a young lad named “Jeremy.” The poor kid had been told by none other than Xbox Nation that some portion of the forces behind the infamous Old Man Murray website had taken up residence at Double Fine Productions. As an employee no less!

Ho ho. I’m here to tell you Jeremy, that this is categorically untrue. You don’t have to worry about that sort of element spoiling the tranquility and loving atmosphere of our company. No, it is not true, and in summary I will say this: No.

03/09/2004 - 03:35 PM


What's that? You say you're short on time? You say you're so busy that you don't know how to express your anger over the cancellation of Sam and Max 2 while still saving enough time in your day to show your love for the Double Fine Action Comics, and on top of all that support poor old Grim Fandango as it takes on Chrono Trigger and KotOR (gasp) on in the GameSpy title fight? Well what if I told you that there was a way to do ALL THREE AT THE SAME TIME OH MY GOD THAT'S INCREDIBLE IS WHAT YOU'D SAY I'LL BET. Here's how:
Buy yourself a copy of Hickee! Hickee was started by none other than Graham Annable, Lead Animator on Sam and Max 2. Buying a copy of Hickee is a great way of saying, "We still love you Graham. Here's, $4.95 that George Lucas is not gonna get!" But wait! There's more! How can one comic do so much?
Hickee is an anthology of great artists, including THREE guys from Double Fine Productions: Nathan Stapley, Razmig Mavlian, and the creator of the DFAC himself, Scott Campbell. And if you have, like me, grown to love that adorable Knight as he learns how to find room in his heart for a baby with two heads (and maybe learn a little bit about himself in the process) then you will love this issue because there is a metric ass ton of big-time Knight action inside. Not to mention giants, wizards and goblins. Hecka goblins. Hold on! Here's the part where the Ginsu cuts the can: Hickee also features the work of Dave Bogan and Vamberto Maduro who were both awesome animators on Grim Fandango. (Which is going up against another LucasArts game, ironically enough, on March 15th which I might have mentioned already but I'll pretend not to remember so I can say it again.)

(this paragraph was here the whole time)

Now here is where you get the free potato peeler AND the thing that cuts cucumbers into spirals: Also contained within the pages of Hickee is the work of the adorable Derek Sakai, Lead F-ing Artist on Sam and Max 2 and the enigmatic Joe White who is reputed to be an animator on the same project. Joe White has a mustache. Amazing, you say? Well, I have to admit you are right. Hickee is like a big sledge hammer with three heads on it, and furthermore its the answer to all your problems. Pick it up today, and bring it down upon your enemies, and rejoice to see them smote. (Smoted? Besmotten?) Fight the power! Buy comics! Stick it to the man! Eat less cheese! (It's bad for your heart!)
03/08/2004 - 03:14 PM


More plugs! This time from around the world!

Don’t forget about the big soccer match (I believe they call it fouteball over there) between Preston North End and Burnley FC this weekend. Sources tell me that Preston is the world’s best team, and that Brunley sucks.

I’m not sure if I agree or disagree because, well… Here is a list of concepts and words from that last paragraph that I passed on to you but didn’t really understand:

  1. Preston
  2. Lancashire
  3. North End
  4. Burnley
  5. FC
  6. Sports
  7. England

But there’s something about the combination of all these terms that makes me afraid. I feel like I’m going to get beat up and have something bad happen to my eyeballs for just reading them.

But there you have it. Everybody in Englandshiretowne have fun doing that stuff! Beat France!

03/05/2004 - 03:13 PM


More plugs!

Yes, plugs may be considered a form of advertising, but listen—we are giving you the comics for free, so choke down the plugs! And the “ads” are only for the extracurricular activities of our exceptional staff. Here’s why this is really a testament to you, the fans: I know it is annoying to wait for a game to come out. Even an excellent one like Psychonauts. But if you sample the individual creative works of the team one by one, that will make it a much richer experience when you finally get to hear them singing together in one mighty voice, in the holy choir that is our game. Oh, so here’s the plug:

Go to the Bottom of the Hill TOMORROW NIGHT and witness hard-working Double Fine programmer Anna Kipnis unleash the fury of her rock. She is playing drums and keyboards and singing with the Husbands. I think I’m going to go, and if you go, then make sure that you let me know that you’re there, so I can aim at you when I stage dive.

If you live elsewhere and you are bored with these plugs for local events, then please tell me where you live and I’ll plug something there. I’m here to help. I’m just trying to keep people busy so they don’t riot before the game comes out. Of course, if you DO happen to riot on accident, make sure you grab yourself a free XBOX so you can play Psychonauts.

03/03/2004 - 03:01 PM
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