Mathematics, Internet Deliver Voting Mandate
Thanks to Christianity, CNN.
On Friday, Grim Fandango made it to the next round in Gamespy’s best game of all time voting contest. A couple of days before that, CNN included the following piece of information in an article about The Passion of The Christ:
The number 666, which many Christians recognize as the “mark of the beast,” is appearing on movie tickets for Gibson’s film…
I hope CNN does a follow-up article on these mysterious Christians who don’t recognize the mark of the beast. I don’t want to judge because that’s a job for God, and I don’t want to be judge and jury because that’s Judge Dredd’s job, but if you don’t recognize the mark of the beast, you may be Christian, but you’re not very good at it. From Atheists to Zoroastrians, everybody recognizes the mark of the beast. Babies don’t. But if that’s who CNN’s counting then they’re gonna to have to qualify every factual statement they ever make, because babies know roughly dick about anything. That’s why adults have to be so diligent about checking them for moles shaped like the mark of the beast. The point is – well, one point is that any baby could be the fourth or second coming of Satan depending on whether you’re counting by Omens or Rosemary’s Babies – but the other point is that there are some things everybody knows. Regardless of what CNN says, the mark of the beast is one. Another good example is that Grim Fandango is better than its next Gamespy challenger, Chrono Trigger.
I’m not going to pretend that I like Grim Fandango. I’m not even going to pretend that I ever played Grim Fandango. Anymore. I had to pretend those things a little to get this job. And I’m sick of it. And you can take the lie I told to get this job and shove it. Though I’d like to keep the job if possible, please. I also don’t like and have never played Chrono Trigger. All of this makes me a completely objective judge of both games.
I don’t know much about either game, but I do know that if you search Usenet for “Chrono Trigger sucks” not only will you not find anyone not not saying Chrono Trigger is better than Grim Fandango, you’ll discover that a lot of people think Chrono Trigger is pretty sucky, for example in this thread plainly titled “CT sucks”. And if you need another reason why Chrono Trigger sucks, check out this thread called “Another reason why Chrono Trigger sucks”. Still think Chrono Trigger doesn’t suck? Well, then, I guess you’re smarter than the Internet, because that’s where you’ll find this essay entitled “Chrono sucks”. And the Internet expressed that opinion way back in 1996. So even if Grim Fandango totally sucks, it couldn’t possibly suck as much as Chrono Trigger, because Chrono Trigger has been sucking longer than Grim Fandango has even existed.
With that observation, we’ve left the subjective realm of conjecture and entered the world of basic math, just the foundation for most subtractions and all of science except for I think geology. Which kind of turns this next bracket into the video game ranking version of the Scopes Monkey Trial. This time there’s no actual monkey wearing his best teeny suit on trial for his little life, but the principle remains the same. A vote for Chrono Trigger is metaphorically a vote against the rational basis of all modern thought. And literally a vote against monkeys. You can’t actually vote yet, but that shouldn’t stop you from trying.
There were some allegations of omissions in the previous post regarding the staff of Sam and Max 2. Instead of needlessly rehashing old “mistakes” (not that I admit to making any) and creating a tedious list of what those omissions may or may not have been, I’m just going to go back and edit the previous post to make it look like I was right the whole time, which I was, and future generations will never know. Who are they going to believe, me or you? Do you have an orange web page of your own? No. Some of you may think editing previous posts is wrong, but if loving America is wrong then I don’t want to be right!
Speaking of people who love America, it’s time to open a letter from the Double Fine Mail Bag! The low-morale, high-turnover staff of interns that we have manning our spam-clogged info line forwarded a special email to me today from a young lad named “Jeremy.” The poor kid had been told by none other than Xbox Nation that some portion of the forces behind the infamous Old Man Murray website had taken up residence at Double Fine Productions. As an employee no less!
Ho ho. I’m here to tell you Jeremy, that this is categorically untrue. You don’t have to worry about that sort of element spoiling the tranquility and loving atmosphere of our company. No, it is not true, and in summary I will say this: No.
What's that? You say you're short on time? You say you're so busy that you don't know how to express your anger over the cancellation of Sam and Max 2
while still saving enough time in your day to show your love for the Double Fine Action Comics
, and on top of all that support poor old Grim Fandango as it takes on Chrono Trigger and KotOR (gasp) on in the GameSpy title fight
? Well what if I told you that there was a way to do ALL THREE AT THE SAME TIME OH MY GOD THAT'S INCREDIBLE IS WHAT YOU'D SAY I'LL BET. Here's how:
Buy yourself a copy of Hickee!
Hickee was started by none other than Graham Annable, Lead Animator on Sam and Max 2. Buying a copy of Hickee is a great way of saying, "We still love you Graham. Here's, $4.95 that George Lucas is not gonna get!"
But wait! There's more!
Hickee is an anthology of great artists, including THREE guys from Double Fine Productions: Nathan Stapley
, Razmig Mavlian
, and the creator of the DFAC himself, Scott Campbell
. And if you have, like me, grown to love that adorable Knight as he learns how to find room in his heart for a baby with two heads (and maybe learn a little bit about himself in the process) then you will love this issue because there is a metric ass ton of big-time Knight action inside. Not to mention giants, wizards and goblins. Hecka goblins.
Hold on! Here's the part where the Ginsu cuts the can: Hickee also features the work of Dave Bogan
and Vamberto Maduro
who were both awesome animators on Grim Fandango. (Which is going up against another LucasArts game, ironically enough, on March 15th
which I might have mentioned already but I'll pretend not to remember so I can say it again.)
(this paragraph was here the whole time)
Now here is where you get the free potato peeler AND the thing that cuts cucumbers into spirals: Also contained within the pages of Hickee
is the work of the adorable Derek Sakai
, Lead F-ing Artist on Sam and Max 2 and the enigmatic Joe White
who is reputed to be an animator on the same project. Joe White
has a mustache.
Amazing, you say? Well, I have to admit you are right. Hickee
is like a big sledge hammer with three heads on it, and furthermore its the answer to all your problems. Pick it up today, and bring it down upon your enemies, and rejoice to see them smote. (Smoted? Besmotten?) Fight the power! Buy comics! Stick it to the man! Eat less cheese! (It's bad for your heart!)
More plugs! This time from around the world!
Don’t forget about the big soccer match (I believe they call it fouteball over there) between Preston North End and Burnley FC this weekend. Sources tell me that Preston is the world’s best team, and that Brunley sucks.
I’m not sure if I agree or disagree because, well… Here is a list of concepts and words from that last paragraph that I passed on to you but didn’t really understand:
3. North End
But there’s something about the combination of all these terms that makes me afraid. I feel like I’m going to get beat up and have something bad happen to my eyeballs for just reading them.
But there you have it. Everybody in Englandshiretowne have fun doing that stuff! Beat France!
Yes, plugs may be considered a form of advertising, but listen—we are giving you the comics for free, so choke down the plugs! And the “ads” are only for the extracurricular activities of our exceptional staff. Here’s why this is really a testament to you, the fans: I know it is annoying to wait for a game to come out. Even an excellent one like Psychonauts. But if you sample the individual creative works of the team one by one, that will make it a much richer experience when you finally get to hear them singing together in one mighty voice, in the holy choir that is our game. Oh, so here’s the plug:
Go to the Bottom of the Hill TOMORROW NIGHT and witness hard-working Double Fine programmer Anna Kipnis unleash the fury of her rock. She is playing drums and keyboards and singing with the Husbands. I think I’m going to go, and if you go, then make sure that you let me know that you’re there, so I can aim at you when I stage dive.
If you live elsewhere and you are bored with these plugs for local events, then please tell me where you live and I’ll plug something there. I’m here to help. I’m just trying to keep people busy so they don’t riot before the game comes out. Of course, if you DO happen to riot on accident, make sure you grab yourself a free XBOX so you can play Psychonauts.
One of our very own artists here at Double Fine, the talented Mark Hamer, is having a show this week and you should go look at it.
It’s at Dalva, 3121 16th Street & Valencia. There is a reception next Monday the 8th, 7-9pm. That’s next Monday night. Come on—like you have something cooler than that to do next Monday night.
You should buy one of Mark’s paintings if you’re lucky enough to get there before they’re all gone, but you should not try to recruit Mark for your own game company because Mark loves Double Fine and hates you and if you try to recruit him he might kill you. No joke there. Mark hates being recruited. When I recruited Mark to come work at Double Fine the only reason I survived was that I happened to be wearing a bear suit.
And if I see you in a bear suit next Monday night, I’ll know what you’re up to, so don’t even try it.
I have haxx0red Gamespy and found this top secret voting page that makes it much easier for you to help Grim Fandango become President of the United States. Grim Fandango stands for a woman’s right to choose, a balanced budget, and for making TiVo mandatory in every American household. (Grim Fandango is everybody’s president, but is kind of tired of trying to relate to people who don’t have TiVo.)
Go to Gamespy’s title fight and vote for Grim Fandango! Today!!!
Vote for Grim for what you say? I’m not sure, but I think if Grim wins, then it gets to run for president against Bush. I will admit that I’ve looked all over that site and for the life of me I can’t figure out HOW you vote for Grim, but you are all so much smarter than me I’m sure you’ll figure it out.
Now, the campaign:
The Gabriel Knight lady is really nice, I have heard. But tell me, has she ever given you any… FREE COMICS? Hmmm? Double Fine has given you THREE FREE COMICS so far. How many have you gotten from the makers of Gabriel Knight? Probably less than that. Or fewer than that. Whichever is correct. Okay, maybe some comics came free with the game, but I’m asking you what has the Gabriel Knight lady done for you LATELY? I’ll bet she’s not even thinking of you right now, where as I’m sitting down to write you this nice letter. Hello, you! How are your feelings? That’s great, because I care about them and you both.
Okay, okay, the comics aren’t free if I give you this guilt trip along with them so I apologize for that. I’m just excited about poor old Grim winning this contest, and excitement always makes me somewhat manipulative. And it’s just that Grim is so, so old now. It came out in ‘98, which makes it 73, in game years. Poor old Grim.
Oh, man. Now I’m using pity. First I try a guilt trip, and then a pity party. What am I, your mother? Man. Enough out of me already. I’ll just be quiet now so you can vote. Vote what’s in your heart. Either for the good game, or for the game that never gave you any free comics. Your choice. I’ll just sit here trying to heal from the wounds I got giving birth to you.
I wish I could have given you all more warning than this.
Because this is going to hurt a little—all this joy getting shoved into your minds at once. But here it goes. Prepare yourself as well as you can for the…
DOUBLE FINE ACTION COMICS!
Drawn every day by our very own art director SCOTT CAMPBELL.
Not here. Over on the left hand side. GO!
As promised, the screenshots have been ensmallened today. I’m sorry, but we needed those extra pixels for the game. Let’s just call yesterday, “A tribute to DSL!”
Today, we are back to loving our dial-up friends! Hi you guys! Let’s shake hands! Click! Oooooh… screeeeeeeebrbl, brbl, brbl, brbleeeeeeekdlkjdfkjaskdjfskdfsdf!
Haha! Modem humor! Free modem humor for you on the internet! By me!
From: clamchowderfetish @ zombo.com
Sent: Tuesday, February 02, 2004 9:34 PM
Subject: Hey loser!
HAHA! You’re so dumb. First of all, you misspelled “acoustic.” And secondly, Groundhogs aren’t actually hogs. And thirdly, your dumb! HAHAHA! Why don’t you shrink your face, instead of those screenshots? Because then your face would be less ugly, because it would be smaller and you’re stupid!
P.S. If you have any advice about how to break into the games industry, please let me know! It’s my lifelong dream! ^_^
P.P.S Thanks for making Sam ‘n’ Max! It’s my favorite game!
Sigh. Why do I ever open this thing? Okay, riddle me this, Professor: Why are they called GROUND hogs? Huh? Aren’t most types of hogs ground-based? Don’t most hogs spend at least 75% of the time on—or very near—the ground? I mean, what else could there be? Airhogs??? (Man, I hope not. That would suuu-uck. “Oh, man. I just washed my car and then a whole flock of airhogs flew overhead.” “The plane went down after ingesting a large airhog into the engine.” “Honey, you left the window open and an airhog flew in and ate the baby.”)
Anyway, to answer your question, to get into the games industry, break into the Sony party at E3, walk around saying “Online multiplayer is the future,” and if nobody has hired you by 11:00 pm, sleep with the first person you hear speaking either Japanese or French. Worked for me!