I am at this party in Seattle (Which seems strange, I know, because I live in San Francisco, but the thing you have forgotten is that I am the Living and Immortal Spirit of Good Times—I simultaneously exist at all parties in all dimensions simultaneously. Try it! Throw a party and I will show up and talk loud and, with a 60% certainty, spill some beverage in the kitchen and make the floor all wet and then spend at least a half hour apologizing and mopping up) and guess who’s there but Tycho from Penny Arcade. At first I don’t see him because I was not out looking for thieving web comic personalities, but then I see him and I’m all hey, and he’s all, what? And I’m all, dude! And he’s all, eh? And I’m all where’s my %#$@&! yo-yo punk! And he’s all, damn. Then I’m like, bro. And he’s all, yeah.
So it’s cool. We’re cool. Somehow we managed to overcome our differences (like the fact that I’m human and he’s a cartoon) and become best friends. You should have seen the hugging. Some people at the party cried. It was so beautiful. Then I totally perpetrated like I got a phone call and had to go. Man that guy is such a sucka!
I guess that’s why I love him.
While I remain true to my promise to avoid posting any useful Psychonauts-related information on this page, the folks at IGN have taken no such pledge. Behold their dogged research on our mysterious project, and they’re disturbing fixation with crotch-related language.
Crotch, crotch, crotch! Psychonauts! Crotch!
(Someday you can be president, and then you can say crotch as much as you want.) Crotch.
Find out the truth about Psychonauts in this probing web comic! I like Lost in Appleton because:
1. We’re in it!
2. It respects my busy schedule by being fast and easy to read.
3. They have never stolen anything from me, unlike the thugs at Penny Arcade.
4. I had no idea Christian Slater was so funny!
No, not my chin. My nose. WHY was I shaving my nose, you might ask? Well, you see, I wasn’t. I was shaving my chin, and I got a little excited.
Here’s something you might not know about your nose, and hopefully will never have to find out like I had to: your nose is FULL OF BLOOD, just dying to come out. Not in those two little holes that you see, but all around those holes there is a fragile membrane of blood-filled tissue. You so much as nick it with a razor, and you’ve got a Brian DePalma movie on your hands. Geeee-ross.
But here’s the important thing: I’m okay! The excellent game Psychonauts marches on!
Talk about your slow news day. Here, maybe it’s time we hit the Double Fine Mail bag. I think a fresh voice from the outside world will give us something to talk about…
Uh, excuse me, Sir Einstein, but the nose is actually considered by many scientists to be technically part of the face. Yeah. And what is with that “bra” thing anyway? Is that supposed to be surfer talk or something? That’s just sad. Okay, let’s just forget it. Let me find a letter with a question about the game.
The mail bag was established for SERIOUS INQUIRIES about Double Fine Productions and the excellent game Psychonauts. Not to tease me about my little shaving problem. I’ll have you know that the nose, at least on humans, is very close to the cheek and chin. Maybe you are unfamiliar with this because you are a jackass, and your nose is a whole foot in front of the rest of your donkey-like face. But shaving for us actual men is challenging. And sometimes we get excited, and sometimes we’re dancing when we shouldn’t be and sometimes things happen and then the next thing you know there’s blood everywhere and jerks start mailing you insulting emails. I’m still a little dizzy, so don’t mess with me, alright?
Oh, Jeeze. Thanks for reminding me.
Hey, have you ever noticed that blood tastes like pennies? Why is that? Or is it that pennies taste like blood? Are we tasting the ghost of Abraham Lincoln, who’s face adorns the coin? Maybe his ghost, angry about being assassinated, makes every penny taste like blood, HIS blood, to remind the world of how he got screwed?
Oh man. Ha ha. That’s just so Abe, you know?
P.S. We are still taking resumes for the Visual Effects position, and also for the Office Manager job. Have you told a friend yet? How about that friend named “you?”
Another job available at Double Fine! I’m just going to keep posting these, you know, until we somehow manage to hire YOU, my good buddy. Why are you playing hard to get? Why not just give in right now and save us all some work? All you have to do is become Double Fine’s…
OFFICE MANAGER !!!
Check out this awesome, awesome job description (written in special, more businesslike recruit-a-tone™):
We are looking for an Office Manager to support our creative environment in a wide variety of areas, including human resources, administrative, and light financial work.
• Maintain personnel and other employment files
• Manage, administer, and educate employees on company benefits (medical, dental, vision, 401k, commuter checks, etc.)
• Facilitate recruitment (obtain and post job descriptions, organize resumes, schedule interviews.)
• Coordinate performance reviews
• Administer paperwork for new hires, terminations, and immigration
• Plan company events
• Manage relationship with outside payroll company
• Pay bills and invoices
• Coordinate with outside bookkeeper and accountant
• Maintain building insurance, business taxes, other required paperwork
• Oversee office relocation
• Oversee any future construction or expansion
• Coordinate support of internal phone system
• Obtain supplies: Paper, toner, snacks, drinks, etc.
• Retain and monitor required office services: janitorial, plumbing, electrical, etc.
• Previous similar experience
• Working knowledge of Word and Excel
• Detail oriented
• Well organized
• Excellent communication—including written, verbal, and listening skills
• Ability to handle confidential information
• Ability to solve problems with little supervision
• Desire to work around creative people in a relaxed environment
You would be sooo good at that stuff! What, are you kidding me? You could do all that with your eyes closed. Now, use this special Office Manager hotline to send us your resume! Quick!
New job posting: Visual Effects Programmer!!!
We are looking for a programmer with an artistic background to produce special visual effects for the excellent game Psychonauts.
That’s right. A programmer with an artistic background. You heard me. They exist! I have heard tales! There have been sightings.
We’re not saying we need this programmer to be able to out-draw ME. But that’s just insane. I mean, look—
I drew this with my eyes closed:
Wait, hold on, that’s disturbing. He totally came out naked. I did not intend the monster to be naked. Jeeze, okay, so maybe you do have to draw better than me.
We just need a programmer with a sense of visual aesthetics who can take a piece of concept art for a visual effect and make it happen in the game. This might involve some art asset creation, some C++ programming, and some scripting.
Candidates need solid C++ and graphics programming experience and working knowledge of Photoshop. Experience with Lua or other scripting languages is a plus, as is experience with a 3D Modeling package.
FYI: If you come to the interview, you get a free beverage.
What are you waiting for? Just use the special visual effects programmer job hunt hotline to apply! Send in your resume, and some samples of your art or effects work. Now!
Now, you might say, “I am not a programmer with an art background, but in fact I am an artist with a technical background. I’m so technical, I could be on Star Trek. Hire me instead.” My answer: Okay, We’ll give it a shot. You send in your stuff too. I mean, who knows? You maybe you’ll just blow us away and we’ll change the job description to fit you because of your skill and charms and possibly being one of my relatives. You never know!
This job wants you bad! Look! It’s totally checking you out from across the room! You keep looking at it, and when it sees you looking, it looks away. But then it looks back and smiles, and you’re about to give it the wink you’ve been practicing all day (to try to make it look not so much like you’re having a stroke) but you get a little over-stimulated and shaky and spill your little mini-plate of appetizers down your shirt and onto the white rug, and someone says, “Okay, Boozo. Hate to kick you out of another party, but we all know how this usually ends, Sir Pukes-a-Lot.” And while they’re hustling you toward the door, you see that it’s still there, the dream job, staring at you across the room! Will you break loose and go talk to it? Or will you leave the party with spinach dip on your pants and nothing else? The decision is yours!
Do not be dumb! That is my advice. It has not worked for you in the past, the dumb thing. Give it a rest.
(I have repeated this entire job listing on our jobs page for absolutely no reason at all. It’s like I’m trying to get paid twice or something.)
There is some Vanilla Coke in the downstairs fridge, if anybody wants some.
I went to the Game Developers Conference in San Jose last week to find out the latest trends in the fashion world.
Chubby guys in box goatees.
You can’t improve on a classic! But you can, of course, dress it up with a sexy and fashion-correct accessory. And what outfit wouldn’t look better with the addition of a neck-slung, conference id badge holder with a neon green lanyard? However you wear it…
...with a tie: , without: , or even backwards!
Did I say backwards? What the??? Is it the apocalypse?
Phun Phoreign Phacts: Magnus Tellefsen is okay. He was not killed by naked ladies in Norway, as previously reported. It was not his “Akers Mic” store that burned down, but another. According to Magnus, there are actually FOUR “Akers Mic” stores in Norway. This is quite surprising to me, because I didn’t know there were that many stores in Norway, period. I figured there was one store for, like, coats; one store for potatoes; and one that sold those little troll statues to tourists. And then I just assumed that one of those stores was called “Ankers Mic,” and sold XBOX games under the table. But I was so wrong. Sounds like they have a bunch of stores over there. Maybe even enough for a mall. Man, It’s going to take an ARMY of naked ladies to burn all them all down!
That’s all the news there is. Well, actually there’s more, but it involves rats, and I’ve got to tone down the rat news. See, I’m going to post a job listing for an effects programmer soon, and I don’t want them to find out about the rat situation until we have them all hired and sedated and tied to their desk. Once he or she is here, it won’t be a problem. (We give all Double Fine employees a daily injection that numbs their feet, so they aren’t be distracted by the constant nibbling.) So, until then, ixnay on the atsray. Total ixnay.
fabulous art: Chris Schultz
Okay, I don’t really want to point the finger at anybody in particular here, but because not enough of YOU voted for the Double Fine babies, California is going to be represented by one of these ugly, ugly quarter designs. Your loss, suckers. I guess you preferred something like the old man panning for movies and DNA? Maybe I’m just jaded about it because I live in California, and panning for movies and DNA is, like, hourly occurrence for me, but I was hoping for something with more relevance. And heads.
Your choice has made the babies cry. When you’re doing your laundry in a few months, and you see one of these sad little wafers of mediocrity slide into the machine, try not to think of how cool things could have been.