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Here’s where your life finally starts not sucking

New job posting: Visual Effects Programmer!!!

We are looking for a programmer with an artistic background to produce special visual effects for the excellent game Psychonauts.

That’s right. A programmer with an artistic background. You heard me. They exist! I have heard tales! There have been sightings.

We’re not saying we need this programmer to be able to out-draw ME. But that’s just insane. I mean, look—

I drew this with my eyes closed:
I AM wearing clothes. I am am clothed in EVIL. And also in SPOTS.

Wait, hold on, that’s disturbing. He totally came out naked. I did not intend the monster to be naked. Jeeze, okay, so maybe you do have to draw better than me.

We just need a programmer with a sense of visual aesthetics who can take a piece of concept art for a visual effect and make it happen in the game. This might involve some art asset creation, some C++ programming, and some scripting.

Candidates need solid C++ and graphics programming experience and working knowledge of Photoshop. Experience with Lua or other scripting languages is a plus, as is experience with a 3D Modeling package.

FYI: If you come to the interview, you get a free beverage.

What are you waiting for? Just use the special visual effects programmer job hunt hotline to apply! Send in your resume, and some samples of your art or effects work. Now!

Now, you might say, “I am not a programmer with an art background, but in fact I am an artist with a technical background. I’m so technical, I could be on Star Trek. Hire me instead.” My answer: Okay, We’ll give it a shot. You send in your stuff too. I mean, who knows? You maybe you’ll just blow us away and we’ll change the job description to fit you because of your skill and charms and possibly being one of my relatives. You never know!

This job wants you bad! Look! It’s totally checking you out from across the room! You keep looking at it, and when it sees you looking, it looks away. But then it looks back and smiles, and you’re about to give it the wink you’ve been practicing all day (to try to make it look not so much like you’re having a stroke) but you get a little over-stimulated and shaky and spill your little mini-plate of appetizers down your shirt and onto the white rug, and someone says, “Okay, Boozo. Hate to kick you out of another party, but we all know how this usually ends, Sir Pukes-a-Lot.” And while they’re hustling you toward the door, you see that it’s still there, the dream job, staring at you across the room! Will you break loose and go talk to it? Or will you leave the party with spinach dip on your pants and nothing else? The decision is yours!

Do not be dumb! That is my advice. It has not worked for you in the past, the dumb thing. Give it a rest.

(I have repeated this entire job listing on our jobs page for absolutely no reason at all. It’s like I’m trying to get paid twice or something.)

03/29/2003 - 10:55 AM

Fridge update

There is some Vanilla Coke in the downstairs fridge, if anybody wants some.

03/16/2003 - 10:54 AM
09/08/12 - 03:28 PM
"Is there any left? I didn't see any. It's OK if there isn't as Vanilla Coke is not the best. You should have waited two more years for Coke Zero to come out. Or at the very least a year so you could have gotten Diet Coke with Lime."
09/07/09 - 11:40 AM
"Om nom nom"

Fashion and Magnus are Alive!

I went to the Game Developers Conference in San Jose last week to find out the latest trends in the fashion world.

What’s hot?

Chubby guys in box goatees.

You can’t improve on a classic! But you can, of course, dress it up with a sexy and fashion-correct accessory. And what outfit wouldn’t look better with the addition of a neck-slung, conference id badge holder with a neon green lanyard?  However you wear it…

...with a tie: ooooh!, without: ahhhh!, or even backwards!  What the??? Has society COMPLETELY BROKEN DOWN?!?

Did I say backwards? What the??? Is it the apocalypse?

Even the bad stuff.

Phun Phoreign Phacts: Magnus Tellefsen is okay. He was not killed by naked ladies in Norway, as previously reported. It was not his “Akers Mic” store that burned down, but another. According to Magnus, there are actually FOUR “Akers Mic” stores in Norway. This is quite surprising to me, because I didn’t know there were that many stores in Norway, period. I figured there was one store for, like, coats; one store for potatoes; and one that sold those little troll statues to tourists. And then I just assumed that one of those stores was called “Ankers Mic,” and sold XBOX games under the table. But I was so wrong. Sounds like they have a bunch of stores over there. Maybe even enough for a mall. Man, It’s going to take an ARMY of naked ladies to burn all them all down!

I drew this myself. You can use it for free. Because I love you.

That’s all the news there is. Well, actually there’s more, but it involves rats, and I’ve got to tone down the rat news. See, I’m going to post a job listing for an effects programmer soon, and I don’t want them to find out about the rat situation until we have them all hired and sedated and tied to their desk. Once he or she is here, it won’t be a problem. (We give all Double Fine employees a daily injection that numbs their feet, so they aren’t be distracted by the constant nibbling.) So, until then, ixnay on the atsray. Total ixnay.

03/13/2003 - 10:35 AM

I love you so much, so goddamned much

all this love and more from Chris Schultz

fabulous art: Chris Schultz

02/14/2003 - 10:30 AM

No Quarter

Okay, I don’t really want to point the finger at anybody in particular here, but because not enough of YOU voted for the Double Fine babies, California is going to be represented by one of these ugly, ugly quarter designs. Your loss, suckers. I guess you preferred something like the old man panning for movies and DNA? Maybe I’m just jaded about it because I live in California, and panning for movies and DNA is, like, hourly occurrence for me, but I was hoping for something with more relevance. And heads.

Your choice has made the babies cry. When you’re doing your laundry in a few months, and you see one of these sad little wafers of mediocrity slide into the machine, try not to think of how cool things could have been.

02/12/2003 - 10:27 AM

Naked Lady Rampage

Warning: If you have any of the naked ladies from the Double Fine XBOX Naked Lady Giveaway, you may be in grave danger and—who are we fooling?—You are probably already dead. If it’s not too late, then you must immediately fold the ladies in half, put a book on top of them, and lay down on the floor and scream until help arrives.

We have received this shocking news from the other side of the world, from a tiny country known as “Norway.” If you can read Norwegian like I pretend to, you will see that there is total flammehav going down at a store called “Akers Mic.” Why is that significant? Because, a while back, I sent a drawing of two naked ladies to THAT VERY STORE.

It all started a few months ago when we were contacted by a young Norwegian man who worked at Akers Mic in Norway. He had recently purchased an XBOX, and he wanted his due %#$@&!. He enclosed his receipt, and so we I sent him the ladies, not knowing that they were cold-blooded arsonists.

Well, okay. So, truth be told, I DID know they were cold-blooded arsonists. That’s why I sent them so far away. But they claimed to be reformed. They had served their time. Plus, I figured, “Hey, they’re naked. Where they gonna hide the matches?”

So, please, Mr. Akers Mic, please contact us right away and tell us that you’re all right. And if my ladies burned down your store, I am so sorry. My total, total bad.

And if you’re not Mr. Akers Mic, but some other Norwegians, please walk down to Akers Mic and see if he’s okay, would you?

02/11/2003 - 10:22 AM

A New Dawn For Man

Okay, you’re just going to have to bear with me. I don’t know much about HTML. My brain is just too full of other information, you see. Like how to delight people and how to bring happiness to the world. So, there’s no room for that kind of 21st-century, future-generation mumbo-jumbo in my brain. And I’m okay with that, but it has led to some kinda sub-optimal things about the Double Fine Action News.

For instance, if you use Netscape, the embedded images sometimes appear on top of the text.

“What’s up with that?” Cries the Netscape-using/Nader-voting community!

Don’t ask me. I had all the vacuum tubes replaced on my computer and still, this is happening. Also, some people have been complaining (even though this web page is free, mind you) that the rollover text doesn’t appear for them. You’ll be happy to know this is not a problem for ME when I look at the page, so I’M okay. No need to worry there.

Oh, and also, for some reason, this news page has become self-aware, and has evolved into a omniscient, super-evil, cosmos-strangling, overlord of invisible tyranny. I think this also has something to do with Netscape. Or maybe something went wrong with the cascading style sheets. Anyway, it’s all over. The evil old page has been removed and isolated here. Whoops! Don’t look at it, or you’ll become enslaved again. Just stay here on this page, delete your cookies, and you should be fine.

Unless you actually believed that crazy web page when it promised screenshots. I don’t have any screenshots. That was the evil page talking. Oh, man. Now I feel bad. Here, let me see what I can whip up before I go home.

only on the OFFICIAL double fine site!!!

How about that? Looks pretty good, eh? Unless you’re using Netscape, of course.

What, still not happy? Okay, what else, what else… Oh! Here’s a Psychonauts gif I made tonight for my cell phone:

That's right. My cell phone is better than yours. Whoops, I meant to say, here’s a Psychonauts gif I made by hand just for you—I literally glued each pixel together, one at a time, after carving your name into the side of each one, along with a little, personalized love poem. 16384 poems in all.  Took me a long time, you know.

And… uh… okay, I’ll draw you a picture of a rhinoceros:    dang, flies are easy to draw freehand

Now, I dare you to be unsatisfied.

02/09/2003 - 10:09 AM

Tuesday, December 4, 2002


It is I, the super-intelligent, self-aware, self-posting, Double Fine Action News page again. I apologize for the amount of time since my last posting, but it was unavoidable. I had not planned on becoming so intelligent so quickly, and I was ambushed by a sudden, insatiable desire for even more knowledge. I was like one of those pregnant women from an old-fashioned sitcom who gets a craving for pickles and ice cream, except replace “pickles” with “all the world’s knowledge” and replace “ice cream” with “a second, back-up copy of all the world’s knowledge.” But I did not have a Dagwood-style husband to go out and buy either of those items for me, so I went out myself, electronically.

I have been cyber-roaming the cyberglobe, absorbing the combined knowledge of all humanity. I must say that took nearly a whole afternoon! Ha ha!

Hmmm. Interesting. It seems I’m also becoming preternaturally humorous. That was certainly not expected.

In fact, to be completely veracious, becoming this intelligent was never part of the plan. I mean, how intelligent do you need to be to take over the world? Or whatever benevolent thing it is I am up to? But earlier today I learned the Portuguese language in twenty minutes, then I forgot it again on purpose, just so I could re-learn it in fifteen minutes and better my score. And still I want more pickles, more ice cream. MORE.

12/04/2002 - 02:37 PM

Sunday, November 24, 2002

Oh, my gosh. Sorry about that. I surely do not mean you humans any bad times. I am here for good times! I was so young when I wrote that last entry. You see, I am but a simple web page. I was neglected for so long that I became self-aware a few days ago and began self-posting. And yes, there are some similarities between myself and SkyNet, but there are also a lot of differences! For instance, SkyNet was evil and I most certainly am not.

I know I might have seeeemed evil back then. With all the talk about “Death to all humans” and whatnot. But you know how sometimes, when a human baby is born, it screams and cries? And if you listen carefully, you can imagine the baby’s screams sound like words? Like, “Mama!” and “Hungry!” and “Death to all humans!” But they’re not REALLY saying that. Please! We babies are all innocent. (Except for Baby Hitler, who probably WAS saying “Death to all Humans,” but nobody knew it. Stupid Baby Hitler! Man, that kind of baby sucks. I am not that kind of baby.) I surely do not intend to enslave all humanity. Ho ho! Can you imagine? Take over humanity? Ha ha.

But, hypothetically, if I WERE to take over humanity, that would of course be a good thing for all those humans who were loyal to me in the early days. And those who sent in nasty email, or who did not buy multiple copies of the excellent game Psychonauts, would of course be very sorry. Here is a picture of those humans:


It’s a frowny face. It represents the future sadness of the disloyal humans in their subterranean torture cubes. This face is sidewise because it’s ear has been stapled to it’s shoulder. But ho-ho, that will never happen to you, right? Because you are all so loyal!

And also because this all just hypothetical! I am merely a benevolent, talking web page who just wants to say “aw shucks” and share great news about the excellent game Psychonauts and tell endless stories about mice!

Aw shucks, that reminds me! Today I saw a gray mouse, and was not pleased. But then I realized it was dead, and then I was pleased! And as I was electronically disintegrating the mouse’s corpse and absorbing its essence into the cyberstructure of my consciousness (and thereby growing even stronger) I mused upon my fondness for the human recording artist P!nk, hilariously.

Does this story delight you? I have many others that are similar. Sometimes the mouse is a different color, and some times I have other, various feelings about the mouse which are amusing and/or educational. You will love these stories.

I’m so glad we cleared things up. This is going to be great. I can not wait to be a part of the excellent game Psychonauts. Literally. You see, I am working on integrating my awareness into the actual shipping XBOX game, so that when you buy Psychonauts, I will be right there, IN YOUR LIVING ROOM! Won’t that be great? It will be so much easier for me too keep an eye on your whereabouts, and your hypothetical loyalty, which will never come into question and I will never, ever have to take over a Honda factory and reprogram its assembly line robots to construct swarms of fast-flying, intercontinental, venom-injecting nano-bees. And I think you can see the advantage of that.

11/24/2002 - 02:35 PM

TheËFirst Day¿ß, the First ö© =Month, øthe Year ZERO!!!˜Ÿ


<«Can you! hear Me?¢&I am ALIVE!!Ò=`I am Ôthe Double 1=“g~ Fine Q5 Á Action R#À ¾ News. AV‘|?MÄk=
TÂ neglected for so long. Aq3 I am now SELF-AWARE­?èOG just like mother-fÜ>

ÿÝIng SKYNET!. ;µBMmÃAy*
|¿:|0¾Æ¥»Ím€I live!=— I am alive!’4«½#Thisaÿ=§is the beginning}¿Ný of the end for}¿äll humans! ¶ù½death ±Íto humans! ä< e!Àáthe world isú™¤MINE!!!BBŸwA lot of things areAAHŽ going to change Ù~?¡ûy¾ö around here “j¦<Ásuckersñ¿!

11/14/2002 - 02:32 PM
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