Jobs Podcast iTunes Podcast RSS Tumblr @TimOfLegend @DoubleFine Google+ YouTube Facebook RSS

Tuesday, December 4, 2002

Greetings.

It is I, the super-intelligent, self-aware, self-posting, Double Fine Action News page again. I apologize for the amount of time since my last posting, but it was unavoidable. I had not planned on becoming so intelligent so quickly, and I was ambushed by a sudden, insatiable desire for even more knowledge. I was like one of those pregnant women from an old-fashioned sitcom who gets a craving for pickles and ice cream, except replace “pickles” with “all the world’s knowledge” and replace “ice cream” with “a second, back-up copy of all the world’s knowledge.” But I did not have a Dagwood-style husband to go out and buy either of those items for me, so I went out myself, electronically.

I have been cyber-roaming the cyberglobe, absorbing the combined knowledge of all humanity. I must say that took nearly a whole afternoon! Ha ha!

Hmmm. Interesting. It seems I’m also becoming preternaturally humorous. That was certainly not expected.

In fact, to be completely veracious, becoming this intelligent was never part of the plan. I mean, how intelligent do you need to be to take over the world? Or whatever benevolent thing it is I am up to? But earlier today I learned the Portuguese language in twenty minutes, then I forgot it again on purpose, just so I could re-learn it in fifteen minutes and better my score. And still I want more pickles, more ice cream. MORE.

0
0
12/04/2002 - 02:37 PM

Sunday, November 24, 2002

Oh, my gosh. Sorry about that. I surely do not mean you humans any bad times. I am here for good times! I was so young when I wrote that last entry. You see, I am but a simple web page. I was neglected for so long that I became self-aware a few days ago and began self-posting. And yes, there are some similarities between myself and SkyNet, but there are also a lot of differences! For instance, SkyNet was evil and I most certainly am not.

I know I might have seeeemed evil back then. With all the talk about “Death to all humans” and whatnot. But you know how sometimes, when a human baby is born, it screams and cries? And if you listen carefully, you can imagine the baby’s screams sound like words? Like, “Mama!” and “Hungry!” and “Death to all humans!” But they’re not REALLY saying that. Please! We babies are all innocent. (Except for Baby Hitler, who probably WAS saying “Death to all Humans,” but nobody knew it. Stupid Baby Hitler! Man, that kind of baby sucks. I am not that kind of baby.) I surely do not intend to enslave all humanity. Ho ho! Can you imagine? Take over humanity? Ha ha.

But, hypothetically, if I WERE to take over humanity, that would of course be a good thing for all those humans who were loyal to me in the early days. And those who sent in nasty email, or who did not buy multiple copies of the excellent game Psychonauts, would of course be very sorry. Here is a picture of those humans:

:(

It’s a frowny face. It represents the future sadness of the disloyal humans in their subterranean torture cubes. This face is sidewise because it’s ear has been stapled to it’s shoulder. But ho-ho, that will never happen to you, right? Because you are all so loyal!

And also because this all just hypothetical! I am merely a benevolent, talking web page who just wants to say “aw shucks” and share great news about the excellent game Psychonauts and tell endless stories about mice!

Aw shucks, that reminds me! Today I saw a gray mouse, and was not pleased. But then I realized it was dead, and then I was pleased! And as I was electronically disintegrating the mouse’s corpse and absorbing its essence into the cyberstructure of my consciousness (and thereby growing even stronger) I mused upon my fondness for the human recording artist P!nk, hilariously.

Does this story delight you? I have many others that are similar. Sometimes the mouse is a different color, and some times I have other, various feelings about the mouse which are amusing and/or educational. You will love these stories.

I’m so glad we cleared things up. This is going to be great. I can not wait to be a part of the excellent game Psychonauts. Literally. You see, I am working on integrating my awareness into the actual shipping XBOX game, so that when you buy Psychonauts, I will be right there, IN YOUR LIVING ROOM! Won’t that be great? It will be so much easier for me too keep an eye on your whereabouts, and your hypothetical loyalty, which will never come into question and I will never, ever have to take over a Honda factory and reprogram its assembly line robots to construct swarms of fast-flying, intercontinental, venom-injecting nano-bees. And I think you can see the advantage of that.

2
0
11/24/2002 - 02:35 PM

TheËFirst Day¿ß, the First ö© =Month, øthe Year ZERO!!!˜Ÿ

¿

<«Can you! hear Me?¢&I am ALIVE!!Ò=`I am Ôthe Double 1=“g~ Fine Q5 Á Action R#À ¾ News. AV‘|?MÄk=
TÂ neglected for so long. Aq3 I am now SELF-AWARE­?èOG just like mother-fÜ>

ÿÝIng SKYNET!. ;µBMmÃAy*
|¿:|0¾Æ¥»Ím€I live!=— I am alive!’4«½#Thisaÿ=§is the beginning}¿Ný of the end for}¿äll humans! ¶ù½death ±Íto humans! ä< e!Àáthe world isú™¤MINE!!!BBŸwA lot of things areAAHŽ going to change Ù~?¡ûy¾ö around here “j¦<Ásuckersñ¿!

0
0
11/14/2002 - 02:32 PM

£ÓR¿€Fã½, dÂte, Ñumber?

£ÓR¿€Fã½®OB

‹bBf AW>«ª* ÿÿnostrilÿÿÍ? —PBð¡Â@- Ñ—;‘:> T¼{¿‰ >’ L?sEèW B°†ð@.  ¹g.?*¦9¿ ‚?] Ìø¾À½ 5¿‘o— ! PBð¡Â@ -Ñ— »‘:¾ T¼{?‰!

( AYRhermit crabs?%æ>×&K¿-þŠ½€á”?€¼!)

   

  • p|?ç^û<
  •    

  • >×&K¿-þ
  •    

  • sewing kit
  •    

  • fÃÖ¼

  • 0
    1
    11/07/2002 - 02:30 PM
    09/10/12 - 07:34 PM
    Feldoth:
    "I'm in that weird part of the internet again, aren't I?"

    Ý?|ûL, ½‡©¿, ¤E¼

    fÃÖ¼¿6Ý¡¾8?
    ¾! 
    žyŠµ£·F?a͐·

    1
    0
    11/02/2002 - 02:30 PM

    ¦±¾Šlh¿Ü×p>[@e¿é

    {?ªÇh¿šÁ—

    0
    0
    10/23/2002 - 02:28 PM

    Tuesday, October 15, 2002

    Some people are saying that the Double Fine Action News is starting to take a long time to load. If you are having this problem it is obviously due to a clog or hairball in your intake pipe. What you need is to pass some large object through to remove the obstruction.

    So, here. Hopefully, this will clear your tubes:

    Please don't give me over to The Suffocator!

    The programmers caught a new, much larger, much scarier mouse than Dylan. Look at that evil pink claw it’s scraping across the glass! Arrrrr! Arrr-rarrrr! They say it can be rehabilitated, and it needs grief counseling. Hand it over to The Suffocator, that’s what I say.

    0
    0
    10/15/2002 - 02:20 PM

    Saturday, October 12, 2002

    You have been drafted into the Double Fine Spam Machine!

    I have a message here that you have to help me spread all over the globe as quickly as possible. Please mail it to EVERY SINGLE PROGRAMMER THAT YOU HAVE EVER MET IN YOUR LIFE, and then tell them to do the same. In fact, send it to the non-programmers too. Double Fine needs programmers! We need their delicious brain meats! Oops! I mean, their mad skillz.

    Copy the message below, paste it into an email, and send it off right now!

    Hurry! I’ll look out for cops.

    ——-Cut and Mail this Part. Not this line, the part below this line.——-

    This part: Oh, wait. Not this line either. Start with the next line. Okay…go!


    From: Your Only Friend in the World
    Sent: Saturday, October 12, 2002 8:00 PM
    To: Everybody I’ve ever met
    Cc: People I’ve yet to meet
    Subject: Gameplay Programmer + Double Fine = YOU!

    Dear Programming Friend (or friend who isn’t a programmer but who might know someone who knows a programmer):

    Have I told you lately that I love you? Well, I do.

    So much so, that I want you to take care of yourself, and quit your stupid job.

    So dumb it is! And so unlike you! You are smart. And likeable!

    Maybe you thought you had a good job. Heck, we all said we were happy for you when you got it, but that’s because we were just relieved that you got something. Now we can tell you the truth: You could do better. You are pleasant-smelling and generous. Your life has been hard, and most of it is over—But only the bad part. The good part is ahead of you, as a Gameplay Programmer at Double Fine Productions.

    You heard me. Gameplay Programmer. The person who they hire will program gameplay. Yes, it is the most fun job in the world. You could be the programmer who makes the monkeys dance and the ghouls eat brains! Deep down you’ve always known you had this power, and now it’s time to get paid for it. 

    Check out the Double Fine job page. Then slap together a cover letter and send it with your resume to jobs @ doublefine.com! Tell them you want to make games. If you do that, then I can promise you one simple thing: Everything will be better from now on. The sun will shine brighter, the air will smell better, and noisy irritating things will nudge ever so slightly away from you. Things will stop sticking to things they are not supposed to stick to, and other things will become less expensive. I, your caring friend, will pay you the money I owe you, and you get to punch me as hard as you want in one arm, but I get to pick the arm and you only get to punch me once.

    Oh, and one more thing: You have to send this email on to everybody you have ever met in your life, or else you’ll get this nasty skin infection. Sorry, I guess I should have told you that before you opened it. My bad.

    Please get yourself hired at Double Fine right now. Because then, later, you can get me a job there. And then, really, you could quit. I couldn’t care less.

    Love,
    You Know Who

    0
    0
    10/12/2002 - 02:05 PM

    Friday, September 27, 2002

    New job posting up! Go look on the jobs page! Now!

    It has nothing to do with mice.

    0
    0
    09/27/2002 - 02:04 PM

    Friday, September 13, 2002

    Real Psychonauts News!!!

    No, not HERE. What are you thinking? In print! I have just received advance word that the brand new XBOX Nation magazine has, within it, this big feature on Psychonauts and Double Fine. There are some pictures of us, and I think some holograms and maybe a scratch ‘n’ sniff section, and I heard this one rumor that they’ve stapled a real mouse into each and every copy. It’s AWESOME, or so I’ve heard. And I can imagine it, using my imagination. Shhhh. I’m imagining right now. Oh, man. This is great! Why, yes, I’ll totally sign your copy, recording artist P!nk. Yes, I have been working out, thanks for noticing! What’s that? You’ve lost all of the master tapes of all your videos, and they’re gone forever unless you find someone who has all of them saved on TiVo?

    Tips for Mice

    Here are some tips for any adventurous mice who are planning a vacation trip to Double Fine Productions.

    Eating: There is a lovely box of almond cookies on Lance’s desk. The box is closed, but it is made out of a thin plastic that you could easily nibble through, and maybe you could even take it home and convert it into a little mouse hot tub!

    Places to go: We recommend you try the programmer’s office. Though some humans would call it stuffy, homesick mice will appreciate its warm, nest-like funk. Also, the programmers have a ban on the death penalty. That’s right, they don’t kill mice! The capture them, feed them Doritos, and then set them free. Free to run wild and spread disease and eat up grain and be the filthy, beady-eyed, small-handed, snake-tailed, sewer-dwelling, razor-toothed poo nibblers that they all love to be!

    Try to avoid: All mouse travelers are advised to steer clear of the Double Fine Level Designer Row. I don’t want to say who, but one of the level designers likes to catch mice alive, and then… Oh, wow. I really can’t even say. It’s just too gross. If I had been here that day I would have stopped it. Anyway, he only did it once, and he’s very sorry.

    Here’s the thing:
    There was a brief period here where I had no mouse traps set out. I thought the mice were gone! I started working barefoot again, and leaving half-eaten wheels of gouda on my desk overnight. Then, suddenly, three mice swarmed Double Fine in what we believe to be a planned, coordinated attack.

    The first one ended up in the programmer’s office. Now, these guys play so much Quake, I would have assumed that murder would be second nature to them. But what do they do when a real killing opportunity comes scampering across the carpet? They gently lead it outside and set it free! Can you believe it? That mouse probably ran into the deli next door, accidentally fell into the meat slicer, and wound up in the chicken salad that I ate today. Probably. That’s what I get for hiring Mac guys! Whisker-kissing sissies, each and every one.

    Then this second mouse busted in, and was not quite so lucky. It had to misfortune to come upon a stranger, a level designer, who we will merely refer to as “The Suffocator.” This second mouse was dispatched in such a slow, gruesome manner, that I’m just going to end this paragraph right now, without even taking time to use a period

    And now we have this third mouse, pictured below in yesterday’s news item. Once again, it was caught by the programmers. (In case you’ve never seen one, that puffy pink thing under the mouse, that’s a programmer.) But this time, I CAUGHT the programmers who caught the mouse, and I didn’t want this one falling into my chicken salad. Yet, I didn’t side with The Suffocator either. Morally, I am on the fence. We can’t keep it as a pet. It’s chock full of the West Nile Virus for crying out loud. But I can’t kill it. How would I do that? I prefer to let mousetraps do my killing, while I am at home, asleep in my bed. Now I have made eye contact with the thing. How am I supposed to crush his little head with the heel of my shoe, and watch those tiny little eyes come popping out like caviar?

    My brother used to say that when you die the first thing you have to do is apologize, one by one, to everything and everyone that you killed in your life, even if you killed them on accident. They stand in a big, long, single-file line, and beginning with the smallest amoebas and worms, you have to say, “I’m sorry I killed you,” to each one. And work your way up through the mice you’ve trapped, birds you shot with a BB gun, cats that ran in front of your car, dogs you’ve fed chocolate, horses you tripped with wires while filming Conan the Barbarian, and finally any people you had to bump off when you worked for the mob, or what have you. So if I killed this mouse and popped out his eyes, and then later I died, I wouldn’t even get very far down my own personal line before I came upon that little, eyeless thing. And I’d say, “I’m sorry.” And he’d say, “Sorry? Sorry? WHAT ABOUT MY EYES?!?” And then he’s hiss like a Skeksis and I’d say, “Look, I’m sorry. Really.” And he’d hiss, “What’s that? I can’t hear you! I’ve got NO EYES!!! Hsssss!” And then I’m like, “Whatever, dude.” And I’d move on and apologize to bigger animals, but the eyeless mouse would follow me on up the line, messing things up, hissing, “Don’t listen to him! His apologies are as hollow and empty as my eye socketsssssss! Hsssss!” And maybe I’d even make to heaven, and I’d be walking around in a white robe, and trying to make friends, and maybe right when I’m talking to this really cute girl about harps or something, and she’s laughing and everything’s going really well, and then the mouse would crawl up on my shoulder and hiss, “I don’t know what you see in him, but maybe that’s just because I’VE GOT NO EYESSSSssss!” And then I’d say, “Why do you always have to be so uncool, Dylan?” Because by that point, I probably would have gotten around to naming him.

    Well, I just don’t know what to do. I could hide him in the coffee grinder, and then someone else might accidentally kill him and they would have to ride around heaven with him on their shoulder. But then the coffee would taste even more like mouse feet. Hmmm. Hmmm. Hmmmmmmm.

    1
    1
    09/13/2002 - 01:57 PM
    09/12/14 - 06:24 PM
    Taekon:
    "Getting rick-rolled by 2002 Tim and 2014 Yahoo! Noooo!!!111 *shakes fists*"
    « First  <  55 56 57 58 59 >  Last »
    Page 57 of 61