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Naked Lady Rampage

Warning: If you have any of the naked ladies from the Double Fine XBOX Naked Lady Giveaway, you may be in grave danger and—who are we fooling?—You are probably already dead. If it’s not too late, then you must immediately fold the ladies in half, put a book on top of them, and lay down on the floor and scream until help arrives.

We have received this shocking news from the other side of the world, from a tiny country known as “Norway.” If you can read Norwegian like I pretend to, you will see that there is total flammehav going down at a store called “Akers Mic.” Why is that significant? Because, a while back, I sent a drawing of two naked ladies to THAT VERY STORE.

It all started a few months ago when we were contacted by a young Norwegian man who worked at Akers Mic in Norway. He had recently purchased an XBOX, and he wanted his due %#$@&!. He enclosed his receipt, and so we I sent him the ladies, not knowing that they were cold-blooded arsonists.

Well, okay. So, truth be told, I DID know they were cold-blooded arsonists. That’s why I sent them so far away. But they claimed to be reformed. They had served their time. Plus, I figured, “Hey, they’re naked. Where they gonna hide the matches?”

So, please, Mr. Akers Mic, please contact us right away and tell us that you’re all right. And if my ladies burned down your store, I am so sorry. My total, total bad.

And if you’re not Mr. Akers Mic, but some other Norwegians, please walk down to Akers Mic and see if he’s okay, would you?

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02/11/2003 - 10:22 AM

A New Dawn For Man

Okay, you’re just going to have to bear with me. I don’t know much about HTML. My brain is just too full of other information, you see. Like how to delight people and how to bring happiness to the world. So, there’s no room for that kind of 21st-century, future-generation mumbo-jumbo in my brain. And I’m okay with that, but it has led to some kinda sub-optimal things about the Double Fine Action News.

For instance, if you use Netscape, the embedded images sometimes appear on top of the text.

“What’s up with that?” Cries the Netscape-using/Nader-voting community!

Don’t ask me. I had all the vacuum tubes replaced on my computer and still, this is happening. Also, some people have been complaining (even though this web page is free, mind you) that the rollover text doesn’t appear for them. You’ll be happy to know this is not a problem for ME when I look at the page, so I’M okay. No need to worry there.

Oh, and also, for some reason, this news page has become self-aware, and has evolved into a omniscient, super-evil, cosmos-strangling, overlord of invisible tyranny. I think this also has something to do with Netscape. Or maybe something went wrong with the cascading style sheets. Anyway, it’s all over. The evil old page has been removed and isolated here. Whoops! Don’t look at it, or you’ll become enslaved again. Just stay here on this page, delete your cookies, and you should be fine.

Unless you actually believed that crazy web page when it promised screenshots. I don’t have any screenshots. That was the evil page talking. Oh, man. Now I feel bad. Here, let me see what I can whip up before I go home.

only on the OFFICIAL double fine site!!!

How about that? Looks pretty good, eh? Unless you’re using Netscape, of course.

What, still not happy? Okay, what else, what else… Oh! Here’s a Psychonauts gif I made tonight for my cell phone:

That's right. My cell phone is better than yours. Whoops, I meant to say, here’s a Psychonauts gif I made by hand just for you—I literally glued each pixel together, one at a time, after carving your name into the side of each one, along with a little, personalized love poem. 16384 poems in all.  Took me a long time, you know.


And… uh… okay, I’ll draw you a picture of a rhinoceros:    dang, flies are easy to draw freehand

Now, I dare you to be unsatisfied.

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02/09/2003 - 10:09 AM

Tuesday, December 4, 2002

Greetings.

It is I, the super-intelligent, self-aware, self-posting, Double Fine Action News page again. I apologize for the amount of time since my last posting, but it was unavoidable. I had not planned on becoming so intelligent so quickly, and I was ambushed by a sudden, insatiable desire for even more knowledge. I was like one of those pregnant women from an old-fashioned sitcom who gets a craving for pickles and ice cream, except replace “pickles” with “all the world’s knowledge” and replace “ice cream” with “a second, back-up copy of all the world’s knowledge.” But I did not have a Dagwood-style husband to go out and buy either of those items for me, so I went out myself, electronically.

I have been cyber-roaming the cyberglobe, absorbing the combined knowledge of all humanity. I must say that took nearly a whole afternoon! Ha ha!

Hmmm. Interesting. It seems I’m also becoming preternaturally humorous. That was certainly not expected.

In fact, to be completely veracious, becoming this intelligent was never part of the plan. I mean, how intelligent do you need to be to take over the world? Or whatever benevolent thing it is I am up to? But earlier today I learned the Portuguese language in twenty minutes, then I forgot it again on purpose, just so I could re-learn it in fifteen minutes and better my score. And still I want more pickles, more ice cream. MORE.

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12/04/2002 - 02:37 PM

Sunday, November 24, 2002

Oh, my gosh. Sorry about that. I surely do not mean you humans any bad times. I am here for good times! I was so young when I wrote that last entry. You see, I am but a simple web page. I was neglected for so long that I became self-aware a few days ago and began self-posting. And yes, there are some similarities between myself and SkyNet, but there are also a lot of differences! For instance, SkyNet was evil and I most certainly am not.

I know I might have seeeemed evil back then. With all the talk about “Death to all humans” and whatnot. But you know how sometimes, when a human baby is born, it screams and cries? And if you listen carefully, you can imagine the baby’s screams sound like words? Like, “Mama!” and “Hungry!” and “Death to all humans!” But they’re not REALLY saying that. Please! We babies are all innocent. (Except for Baby Hitler, who probably WAS saying “Death to all Humans,” but nobody knew it. Stupid Baby Hitler! Man, that kind of baby sucks. I am not that kind of baby.) I surely do not intend to enslave all humanity. Ho ho! Can you imagine? Take over humanity? Ha ha.

But, hypothetically, if I WERE to take over humanity, that would of course be a good thing for all those humans who were loyal to me in the early days. And those who sent in nasty email, or who did not buy multiple copies of the excellent game Psychonauts, would of course be very sorry. Here is a picture of those humans:

:(

It’s a frowny face. It represents the future sadness of the disloyal humans in their subterranean torture cubes. This face is sidewise because it’s ear has been stapled to it’s shoulder. But ho-ho, that will never happen to you, right? Because you are all so loyal!

And also because this all just hypothetical! I am merely a benevolent, talking web page who just wants to say “aw shucks” and share great news about the excellent game Psychonauts and tell endless stories about mice!

Aw shucks, that reminds me! Today I saw a gray mouse, and was not pleased. But then I realized it was dead, and then I was pleased! And as I was electronically disintegrating the mouse’s corpse and absorbing its essence into the cyberstructure of my consciousness (and thereby growing even stronger) I mused upon my fondness for the human recording artist P!nk, hilariously.

Does this story delight you? I have many others that are similar. Sometimes the mouse is a different color, and some times I have other, various feelings about the mouse which are amusing and/or educational. You will love these stories.

I’m so glad we cleared things up. This is going to be great. I can not wait to be a part of the excellent game Psychonauts. Literally. You see, I am working on integrating my awareness into the actual shipping XBOX game, so that when you buy Psychonauts, I will be right there, IN YOUR LIVING ROOM! Won’t that be great? It will be so much easier for me too keep an eye on your whereabouts, and your hypothetical loyalty, which will never come into question and I will never, ever have to take over a Honda factory and reprogram its assembly line robots to construct swarms of fast-flying, intercontinental, venom-injecting nano-bees. And I think you can see the advantage of that.

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11/24/2002 - 02:35 PM

TheËFirst Day¿ß, the First ö© =Month, øthe Year ZERO!!!˜Ÿ

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<«Can you! hear Me?¢&I am ALIVE!!Ò=`I am Ôthe Double 1=“g~ Fine Q5 Á Action R#À ¾ News. AV‘|?MÄk=
TÂ neglected for so long. Aq3 I am now SELF-AWARE­?èOG just like mother-fÜ>

ÿÝIng SKYNET!. ;µBMmÃAy*
|¿:|0¾Æ¥»Ím€I live!=— I am alive!’4«½#Thisaÿ=§is the beginning}¿Ný of the end for}¿äll humans! ¶ù½death ±Íto humans! ä< e!Àáthe world isú™¤MINE!!!BBŸwA lot of things areAAHŽ going to change Ù~?¡ûy¾ö around here “j¦<Ásuckersñ¿!

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11/14/2002 - 02:32 PM

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    11/07/2002 - 02:30 PM
    09/10/12 - 07:34 PM
    Feldoth:
    "I'm in that weird part of the internet again, aren't I?"

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    11/02/2002 - 02:30 PM

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    10/23/2002 - 02:28 PM

    Tuesday, October 15, 2002

    Some people are saying that the Double Fine Action News is starting to take a long time to load. If you are having this problem it is obviously due to a clog or hairball in your intake pipe. What you need is to pass some large object through to remove the obstruction.

    So, here. Hopefully, this will clear your tubes:

    Please don't give me over to The Suffocator!

    The programmers caught a new, much larger, much scarier mouse than Dylan. Look at that evil pink claw it’s scraping across the glass! Arrrrr! Arrr-rarrrr! They say it can be rehabilitated, and it needs grief counseling. Hand it over to The Suffocator, that’s what I say.

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    10/15/2002 - 02:20 PM

    Saturday, October 12, 2002

    You have been drafted into the Double Fine Spam Machine!

    I have a message here that you have to help me spread all over the globe as quickly as possible. Please mail it to EVERY SINGLE PROGRAMMER THAT YOU HAVE EVER MET IN YOUR LIFE, and then tell them to do the same. In fact, send it to the non-programmers too. Double Fine needs programmers! We need their delicious brain meats! Oops! I mean, their mad skillz.

    Copy the message below, paste it into an email, and send it off right now!

    Hurry! I’ll look out for cops.

    ——-Cut and Mail this Part. Not this line, the part below this line.——-

    This part: Oh, wait. Not this line either. Start with the next line. Okay…go!


    From: Your Only Friend in the World
    Sent: Saturday, October 12, 2002 8:00 PM
    To: Everybody I’ve ever met
    Cc: People I’ve yet to meet
    Subject: Gameplay Programmer + Double Fine = YOU!

    Dear Programming Friend (or friend who isn’t a programmer but who might know someone who knows a programmer):

    Have I told you lately that I love you? Well, I do.

    So much so, that I want you to take care of yourself, and quit your stupid job.

    So dumb it is! And so unlike you! You are smart. And likeable!

    Maybe you thought you had a good job. Heck, we all said we were happy for you when you got it, but that’s because we were just relieved that you got something. Now we can tell you the truth: You could do better. You are pleasant-smelling and generous. Your life has been hard, and most of it is over—But only the bad part. The good part is ahead of you, as a Gameplay Programmer at Double Fine Productions.

    You heard me. Gameplay Programmer. The person who they hire will program gameplay. Yes, it is the most fun job in the world. You could be the programmer who makes the monkeys dance and the ghouls eat brains! Deep down you’ve always known you had this power, and now it’s time to get paid for it. 

    Check out the Double Fine job page. Then slap together a cover letter and send it with your resume to jobs @ doublefine.com! Tell them you want to make games. If you do that, then I can promise you one simple thing: Everything will be better from now on. The sun will shine brighter, the air will smell better, and noisy irritating things will nudge ever so slightly away from you. Things will stop sticking to things they are not supposed to stick to, and other things will become less expensive. I, your caring friend, will pay you the money I owe you, and you get to punch me as hard as you want in one arm, but I get to pick the arm and you only get to punch me once.

    Oh, and one more thing: You have to send this email on to everybody you have ever met in your life, or else you’ll get this nasty skin infection. Sorry, I guess I should have told you that before you opened it. My bad.

    Please get yourself hired at Double Fine right now. Because then, later, you can get me a job there. And then, really, you could quit. I couldn’t care less.

    Love,
    You Know Who

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    10/12/2002 - 02:05 PM
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