| In Which Reason is Established
| And the Double Fine Action Forums
| Have Imposed Upon Them
| Certain Rules And Regulations
| For the Betterment of All
Greetings and welcome to all readers of and contributors to the Double Fine Action Forums!
Do not fear me. I am but a simple cow. If I seem bulky, if I occasionally shake and tremble (and yes, some times, leak) it is only because I am overly-stuffed… with INFORMATION. Information that I will share with you now. Information that will make your experience on these forums, and in fact your life in general, better.
The Double Fine Action Forums were created to provide Pleasure and Value™ to the fans of Double Fine, a.k.a. the Baby Lovers, because the Baby Lovers asked for them. So we ask that you use these forums to create a safe haven for fans of Double Fine’s excellent games, website, yo-yos, etc. To tarnish these forums with any of the transgressions I will list here, in mere moments, would be… well it would just be illogical. It would be self destructive. It would be something, frankly, that we would expect from the fans of a lesser game company.
Basically, Baby Lovers, you asked for these forums. So treat them well.
| Rules, Tips, and Pet Peeves
Be nice. Double Fine is a nice company. We only hire nice people. We try to make nice games. And I think we have the nicest fans anywhere. So be nice on the forums. Let the DFAF be an oasis of niceness in a mean, mean world. We encourage lively debate, but please don’t be rude, insulting, or make personal attacks. Treat each other with respect. We reserve the right to delete any malicious posts, or to just re-edit them to make the original author look like a horrible person.
Don’t post stupid junk. For instance: Short, one word, meaningless posts. Multiple, repeated posts. Posts that say nothing. Posts that mean nothing. Posts that no one wants to read. Posts that say, “First post!” Irrelevant posts. Inappropriate posts. We know why you are doing this—You want to artificially bump up your post count and achieve new, incredibly-valuable and hilarious post count rankings. To combat this, we have made sure that the forum post count rankings are funniest at the lower ranks, and they get progressively less funny as you rank up. At the very top, they’re super boring. I think we grabbed the last five from the titles of old Perry Como albums. Do you really want your rank to be, “Como’s Golden?” No. So don’t spam.
Don’t post copyrighted material. If someone comes after Double Fine for money because you put up copyrighted material on our beautiful and pristine forums, then we won’t just give them your personal info, we will drive them to your house and carry them up to your door. And in case you try to run, we will let their bloodhounds sniff that sweater you left at our house once. We will not protect any thieves of intellectual property, no matter how dashing, or rugged, or exciting they are.
Do not Leak, or Promote Leakage. Our publishing contract states that the publisher controls the PR on our game. That means they, not Double Fine, decide what information is shared, and what is not. Posting a leak (i.e. Any unnannounced content about the game) on our forums, or even promoting someone else’s leak, puts us in violation of our publishing contract and could get us in big trouble. Please do not do that. We don’t like trouble, and we will ban any user who violates this rule. And also, leaking stuff about the game, or even drawing the public’s attention to a leak, is kind of a jerky move that only hurts the game makers. It lessons our ability to secure exclusives (like magazine covers) and makes it harder to get big news stories about our game in the press. The press isn’t interested in “old news.” So please don’t originate or promote leaks, even outside this forum!
Do not advertise. Baby Lovers care only about one thing: 2hb. They don’t want to hear about your pyramid scheme, hair tonic, or some other, inferior website. Not in the Action Forums, nor in private messages to members.
Be not profane. Keep your nastiness to a minimum. Do not post dirty pictures. Don’t be inordinately offensive. Why? Because many of us like to read the forums at the office, instead of doing the jobs we are paid to do. So the content on the forums must be safe for work. They must not get me in trouble with my boss, who is a jerk. Why do you want to get me fired? Where, then, would you get your information? What is so exciting about naked humans anyway?
Stay on topic. We would like these forums to be of value to everybody. So we would like all threads to clearly describe their topic in their subject line, and we would love for threads to actually contain a discussion of the topic stated in said subject line, and not something else. Something that nobody cares about. If you take a thread off topic you are effectively driving it off the road and into a tar pit where it will die. No thread deserves to die just because you have ADD and can’t focus. And by “you,” I of course do not mean YOU, the fine forum reader. I’m talking about those other people. The jerks. The thread killers.
Tolerate all humans. If you post anything that is racist, sexist, or homophobic, the forums will come alive and bite you on the face. It will hold on tight, no matter how much you scream, and not let go until you tolerate all humanity and promise to change your ways. Then we will let go, but by then it will have laid eggs in your sinus cavities, and if you ever post anything like that again the eggs will hatch, and you will sneeze earwigs for years.
Discuss only activities that are legal. If you talk about illegal drugs, how to pirate software, or anything else that violates the laws of cows or man, you will be instantly BANNED across all space, time, and dimension. Nobody will like you, and you will probably die alone. And high.
Troll not. Do not make controversial or contrary posts just to provoke an angry response on a thread. And if any of you nice Baby Lovers see someone trolling, please just ignore them. Similarly, do not Flamebait. And while you’re at it, don’t even try to Angerfinger, Poutpoke, or Ragegoose. And if you don’t know real forum terms, do not make them up.
Do not discuss Europa. Please avoid discussion of the sixth moon of Jupiter, Europa.
Buy yo-yos. Please buy our fine yo-yos.
Please do not do anything that we do not like, even if we aren’t sure yet what that is. If you invent some new way of diminishing the Pleasure and Value™ of these forums, a brand-new way that we haven’t even thought of yet, even if we haven’t listed it here, we reserve the right to ban you, mock you, or do anything to you that we think of, to you.
Make these forums awesome. As we said before, these forums are yours. We want to have a place where the growing community of Baby Lovers can entertain and express itself. We want to encourage its expansion, and eventual world-domination. The Double Fine Action Forums are like an empty vessel, defined by that with which you fill it. They can be a sturdy goblet, a fine chalice, a sticky sippy-cup, a trash can, a spittoon, or a bedpan. The choice is yours.
(Except not really, because if you make it any of the gross things, we will ban you.)