Okay, I was wrong. There isn’t a crab living in my chest. What do I know? I’m no doctor.

Crabs are too pinchy. What I’ve got is really more like a small, grey octopus. But not a healthy one. This is kind of like a half-decomposed, zombie ghost of an octopus, with little gray bits of soft tissue peeling off of it as if it were still underwater. And it thinks my lungs are its long-lost brothers, and so it’s giving them a big hug and a squeeze. I kind of wish it were a crab, because at least crabs are delicious. But this stupid grey ghost octopus is nothing but gross. I really can’t wait to cough it up.

Sorry, was that too crude of a visual? I meant, I can’t wait to open my mouth, unfold my tongue like a long, red-carpeted stairway, and have the octopus tap dance it’s way out of my body with it’s little top hat and four little canes.

Legally, I don’t have to update the news right now, because I’m sick. I have what feels like a small, grey, soft-shelled crab living in my chest. It’s hobbies are squeezing my lungs, and making me cough all the time. I do not like the crab.

Here’s what’s going on in San Francisco right now: The Game Developers’ Conference is in town. It’s happening right down the street. I can almost see it from here. I’d head on down there but I’m afraid my chest crab might start pinching.

I’m going to name the crab Tobe Urkle Osis, because I love the Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Family Matters, and also Osis. 

Oh woe is me! Nobody likes me because my face is hideous. I must sit here in my catacombs, playing this stupid organ, because I have no friends. The blame must fall squarely upon my smelly, ugly face, for no one can stand to gaze upon it. I guess there is nowhere to go for this lonely, repulsive (but talented) monster. Surely with this disgusting mask of twisted flesh I will never be able to form a human relationship with any one. Not even on XBOX live. I will never be able to find out how online play might change the ESRB rating on my games, because no one will play with me, because I do not have an attractive face to put forth and make friends, even in the virtual world of XBOX LIVE and their currently-available selection of Gamerpics. What the?

Oh damn. Those are good. I can’t wait for everyone to see my Pac Man C.E. achievements!!!

We’re making a small addition to our comics line up: Tasha!

Ha ha, get it? SMALL addition? Because Tasha is not very large? No? That joke not working?
Okay, I won’t mention her size anymore. Let us instead get right to the interview with our newest Double Fine Action Comics Artist!

DF: Tasha, you’re not just the newest DFAC artist, you’re also the least tall. What kind of pencil do you draw with?

TH: Hmm I don’t really like pencils.  Usually I draw with a pen or computer.

DF: Tasha, your cats appear many times in your comics. Do they represent primal forces in your subconscious?

TH: Yes. Mr. Peterson represents my outer persona of grouchy [censored], while snoopy represents my inner child who just wants to be cuddled. (Am I allowed to say [censored]?)

DF: Tasha, which of your cats do you like the most?

TH: I love them both equally, of course.

DF: Tasha, if you were driving both cats to the vet for a check up, and got into a car accident, and the car was on fire, and you lost one of your arms in the accident so you could only grab one cat, which one would you save first?

TH: I guess Snoopy since Mr. Peterson doesn’t like to be picked up. But she’s smart enough to survive on her own I think.

DF: Tasha, if you died in your apartment and no one found you for a week, do you think your cats would eat you?
Follow-up: Which parts do you think they would eat?

TH: Wow you are making me sound like a crazy cat lady.

DF: Tasha, if after that accident, you and the cat you saved were on a tour of an art museum, and you were looking at your favorite painting by your favorite artist in all of history, and the museum caught on fire and burned off your other arm, and you had to save either the painting or your cat by carrying it in your mouth, which would you choose? The painting or the cat?

TH: Uhhh, if I say, “cat” do I sound like a crazy cat lady?

DF: Tasha, if you were an armless woman living alone with one cat and no art, would you resent the cat?

TH: I would teach the cat to do finger painting.  Oh wait, I don’t have any arms… toe painting.

DF: Tasha, if you were a one-armed cat in an apartment with a dead woman, which part of her would you eat first?

DF: Tasha?

DF: Hello?

I just finished Uncharted: Drake’s Fortune, and I will tell you this: I liked it a lot. It had beautiful environments, fun platforming, and the awesome phrase, “I’ll kick you to sleep!” You should all go play it right now. It was all super next-gen, but the most next-gen thing about it to me was Drake’s shirt. Check it out: Somehow it’s tucked in, and yet not tucked in, at the very same time. Of all the technical marvels contained in Uncharted, this was the one that really mystified me.

Yes, the shirt was dirty, like he had partied in it all night, passed out, threw up on himself repeatedly in his sleep, and was then left in a ditch outside of town by his mean friends. And by the time he walked home his shirt was dry, so he just said, “The hell with it. Let’s go find some treasure.”

So, on his left side, he tucked the shirt in, to show his trim figure and stylish belt buckle. “What a handsome young man,” you might say, “If he gets that shirt washed, he may date my daughter.” But his right side is untucked, like the shirt of a wild man, a renegade, a scoundrel. “What is that guy up to? Why is his shirt untucked? Does he not give a damn about me and my rules?”

At no time during the game does Drake stop and tuck in the loose part of his shirt. Nor does he ever just say, “The hell with it!” and untuck the whole thing. It remains in a state of half dress for the length of the game, through all sorts of climbing, jumping, and scampering. Jet skiing, swimming, and almost kissing--nothing can dislodge or fully tuck Drake’s half-casual shirt. It is draped in a purgatory state, half in, half out, never completely free. It’s like an unfinished symphony.

Then I realized what a clever invention the half-tuck is. How better to show off your rock-hard abs, but still create an air of nonchalance? Much like how a mullet shows the world your business side in the front, and your party side in the back, the half-tuck tells one story on the right side, but a completely different story on the left. In encapsulates the contradiction that you are: The shy extrovert, the organized slob, the guy who likes to shop at Banana Republic but also likes to fall into the Gap when he’s feeling a little crazy. The half-tuck reassures the ladies that you’re a man who cares about personal grooming, but who, at the same time, couldn’t give a f##k. Who doesn’t like that?

Of all the treasure I found on this quest, I think this little fashion tip is the one I will cherish the most.

I was sorry to hear today that Mark Haigh-Hutchinson passed away. Mark worked at LucasArts back in the old days, and was very sharp programmer, not to mention a super nice guy.

For some reason, this is the first memory of Mark that pops into my head: We’re both in the Lucas mini-kitchen, getting coffee, and I’m complaining about how I threw my back out somehow. And before I know it, Mark is on his back on the carpeted hallway, showing me how to stretch your lumbar muscles by hugging your knees to your chest, and rolling around on a hard floor. Previously I had thought Mark Double-H to be a shy, reserved person, but here he was rolling around like an egg, trying to help me fix my back. The move itself can be a little embarrassing to do, but I’ll admit I still use it whenever my back hurts.

So for that tip, and for Metroid, and for introducing me to Miyamoto that time at E3 when I was too scared to walk up to him, I say, thanks to you, Mark!

Brütal Legend update: I’m at home waiting for the cable guy to show up. If you are my cable guy reading this, please stop reading and come over now.
My thanks in advance.

I still wear my sunglasses when it’s foggy and cold out, because it helps to keep my eyeballs warm.

Don't bother checking--all your arms and legs are still attached. You were not dismembered in the quality explosion, because you were not over on our Free Stuff page. That is where the explosion took place. You missed it. But if you head over there now, you can pick through its beautiful remains.

So a while back, this kind of shady-looking guy started loitering around our offices. He didn’t seem dangerous or anything. But he was really surly and he started to freak some people out. We thought if we just waited around long enough, he would leave. But he started to camp out, so we were forced to call the cops. And he left for a while, but then he just came back, and so we tried other things, like playing loud music, banging trash can lids together, and one time we even turned the hose on him I’m ashamed to say. He’d run off at night, but then the next morning, he’d be right back here again.

So one day last month he just vanished. Like, poof! He was gone. And you know what? Now that he’s gone I have to say we kind of miss him, almost. And I can’t help but wonder what happened to the guy, and why he left. And then I saw this news post that explained it.

It turns out he got a publishing deal up in Canada! He’s making some sort of Adventure/RPG game called “DeathSpank.” Can you imagine?

Crazy.

Well, I wonder if he ever thinks about us. I hope he’s not too mad about the time we used the hose. I did always wonder why he was yelling, “Hey, watch it! You’re getting my iPhone wet!”

	Hey.
	Why you... uh... killing yourself?
	Well, I wrote a love letter to this girl I like at school, but when I took it to her she said I should drop dead because I had a hole in my jeans, and the shirt I had on was so smelly I should burn it, and that even my stationery was boring.
	Ouch. Man. Yeah. That doesn't leave you too many options, does it?
	Nope.
	Well, I'd better leave you alone then. I have to go order some stuff online now anyway.
	Double Fine just added three new items to their company store: A patch, a lighter, and some awesome note cards.
	Are you sh###ing me?
	Nope.
	Anyhew, check your sh## out later.
	Alright. Cool.
	Dang, those sound like cool new items in the Double Fine store.
	Hey, wait a second!
	Nah.
	But, I wonder if...
	Nahhhhhh!
	Still, maybe if I just tried it...
	Thank you, new Double Fine Patch, Lighter, and Notecards!!!
	You're welcome.
	You're welcome.
	You're welcome.

We held this one back, just to give Bioshock a shot at Game of the Year for 2007. But for 2008, the gloves come off! All games coming out this year have been warned: You are up against Nathan “Bagel” Stapley’s My Game about Me: Olympic Challenge!

It’s hardly fair. I mean, it’s not just one game, but THREE GAMES IN ONE. And it features music by Razmig Mavlian. Does your game have music by Razmig Mavlian? Unlikely. Is it possible to make Leonardo da Vinci barf in your game? What’s that? No? Well, then, try to enjoy this fabulous game through your tears of envy, and better luck next time!

Except here’s a spoiler: You’re going to lose next time as well. And the time after that. Four times from now, we’re going to be on vacation, so you might have a chance that time. But then after that will come another long streak of us winning. Better buy clothes that look good with green, pal.

I’m heading out for Christmas break soon, and I should probably leave some message here in case the airplane I’m on sprouts a leak and I am sucked out of the cabin like a string of link sausages, and then ingested into the engine, because I mean, who can resist sausages?

I should probably share something festive. Something really Christmassy. A personal Christmas memory.

Okay, well, here is my favorite Christmas album:

Now, some purists would claim that Van Halen Fair Warning is NOT technically a Christmas record, but that’s only because those people were not given this album for Christmas like I was back in 1981. I still remember sitting by the tree on Christmas morning, listening to the opening riff of “Mean Street.” Until my sisters came down stairs and kicked me off the record player so they could listen to REO Speedwagon. Whatever.

Anyway, my point is that Christmas memories are personal, and no one can explain why some things are meaningful to them. Like those really ugly ornaments you had on your tree when you were growing up that suddenly were not there one year, and you said to your mom, “Mom, why haven’t you put up the pipe-cleaner elves yet?” And your mom said, “Oh, I threw those ugly things away!” And you said, “How could you do that!? You’re a terrible mother!” And she said, “Oh yeah, that’s another thing. I’m not really your mother.” Remember those? The ones with the glitter?

So, in summary: Most people will tell you that you only need to listen to the first two--and maybe the third Van Halen album--but I think Fair Warning is really good, because I got it for Christmas.

First things first. I just have to say that Double Fine fans are the most creative and talented fans there are! I’m totally amazed by the awesome ornaments you guys made. I’m not kidding. You people would make a Grinch’s heart so big, it would explode. Which would be a terrible, terrible ending for a kid’s cartoon. Shame on all of you.

It was incredibly difficult for me to pick a winner in each of the three categories, and so I did what I do with any task to hard for me: I made the team do it. We held democratic-ish cyber-vote to select the winners. So now, if you don’t like our choices--hey, it’s not my fault! But if you DO like our choices—you’re welcome.

Without further ado, let me announce the winners!

In the category of “Psychonauts”

Jamiem! With his lovely Coach Olisanta. Photographed so sweetly, I think he may have been… in love with it.

In the category of “Double Fine” the winner is…

The felt stylings of one known simply as “Lehm.” Very nice. Although I personally voted for the felt portrait of ME. (No, not the one where I’m wearing nothing but a diaper. That one almost won but everybody who would have voted for it passed out from over-stimulation before they could.)

And the winner in the category of BRÜTAL LEGEND is…

Sugarbot’s gift for Eddie!
It’s Festive! Violent! Adorable! Just like our fans.

All our winners will receive an original drawing from talented Double Fine artist RAZMIG MAVLIAN! Your hands will touch paper that was touched by the man himself. If you are foolish enough not to wear gloves while you handle original art.

Here are a bunch of ornaments that almost won. In fact, they were just one tiny bribe away from winning. Check out all this holiday spirit, and then go get started on next year’s ornament.

Yes!
How do my internets get through that solid rock wall? Simple: nothing can stop the truth.

Bonus points if you can identify the hotel, and room number from that photo.

(Each bonus point is worth approximately zero American dollars, and is not transferable.)