I wish I could tell you how much I love magazines, but I’m not allowed to yet. But I can say how much I love to read them. And not just in the can. Holy smokes, do I love magazines, and the state of Minnesota. Anything from Minnesota is fine with me, and also, I love magazines, and red vinyl, and things that are loud, and things with tires, and chrome, and magazines.

Gahhhh!

Here is a random picture of my sister Angie from the 70s:

So it turns out there is a small possibility that there was no stabbing at our hotel last week. In my defense, let me tell you what I saw: There were SEVERAL uniformed police officers all over the hotel, and also a LARGE HANDFUL of plain-clothes detectives, and A LADY with rubber gloves. Plus, there was yellow, “Police Line Do Not Cross” tape everywhere. What were we supposed to think, except for, “Stabbing?” And hey, we weren’t the ones who started the rumor. I actually don’t remember who said the word “stabbing” first, but once we heard it, we knew that it was right. It just felt true. Even though it kinda wasn’t.

Here’s the real scary thing: The room where everything was going down was the very room in which we, ourselves, should have been sleeping! We changed rooms at the last minute, and we thought we were doing it because of the cracks in the bathtub, but now I realize we were having a psychic premonition! A premonition that would have SAVED OUR LIVES if there had actually been a stabbing.

Speaking of make-believe murder and blood, I went to an Alice Cooper concert this weekend. When he played, “Welcome to My Nightmare,” I flashed back to my memories of his appearance on the Muppet Show when I was a kid. He played that song on the show and they made special, evil, nightmare Muppets to play with him, and one of the Muppets had a metallic triangle for a head and I thought it was super freaky and scary.

This guy could fade in and fade out at will, which makes him even freakier. And only now have I realized that Triangle Head from Silent Hill is just a rip off of Alice Cooper’s evil Muppet guitarist!

The Muppet Show did everything first!
And they did it with felt.

Is it possible to update the news page in the middle of a voice recording session?
And can my feet get in there?

Yes!
My feet get everywhere! The world shall smell my feet!
And right now my world is the basement of Vivendi Games, recording voices for, you know, stuff.
Behold Mike Patterson on the left side there. Mike is an excellent recordist, and gets the job done despite that little monster thing growing out of the top of his head. We treat him as if he’s a regular human being, and try not to stare at it. Not so much to spare his feelings, but because we’re worried that if we make eye contact with the little monster, it will come to life.

Between Mike and my feet is Khris Brown. I can only show the back of Khris’ head because she has never been seen in public without her KISS makeup on, and I try to respect that.

So that’s all that’s going on down here in LA. Except for the stabbing that happened at our hotel last night. Apart from that, everything is going great.

Feet!

I’m working on a photo montage of my feet with the great landmarks of the world. My feet are pretty tired though, so this may be ABOUT all I can do.

Wait a second. Did someone say, ABOUT? Funny you should mention that, because the next stop on our tour of Double Fine’s new internet funhouse is our brand new page that’s all ABOUT Double Fine Productions.

It’s all brand new! Except for that it’s pretty much exactly like our old about page, but with two critical improvements:

1) Beneath the photo is a F.A.Q. page, with answers to every single possible question you ever think of to ask Double Fine. Read it and you’ll be so smart, it’s like getting a master’s degree in 10 minutes.
2) Everyone in the new team picture has his or her shirt on.

One more step towards rebuilding the civilized world.

Let’s continue our slow-but-fulfilling tour of the new Double Fine Action Web Destination. We’ve already discussed our space-age syndication options, and the other day we burst forth with our earth-shattering Minigames section. But did you notice that we also installed a giant magnet that attracts intelligent conversation? I’m speaking, of course, of our brand new Double Fine Action Forums.

Remember Socrates, the ancient philosopher? Yes, I miss him too. But lately, not quite as much. The lively debate on the DFAF has filled that ancient void in my life. Reading our forums is like watching a 900 foot Socrates, stuffed with 10,000 Bill Moyerses, coated in the blood of a million Charlie Roses, as a guest on a 2-hour special edition of the NewsHour with Jim Lehrer. So many ideas! So much insight! So much blood!

Speaking of intelligent debates, here’s one:

“I don’t like forums because people say dumb stuff,” you say in that whiny voice you use sometimes.
“Well then, sign up for the forums and post some smart stuff!” I say.

“I don’t have the time to sign up for a membership!”
“It takes almost no time at all! You just have to think of a username and a password. Here, I’ll think of some usernames for you: Lovely Bottom, Nostril Hair, Farm Fresh, Lugubrious, Leg Meat, Hermit Crab, Hot Yams!, Tooth Rash, Gallium Arsenide, The Fremont Flash, Nude Hose, More Grease?”

“If I post on the forums, people will say mean things about me!”
“People are already saying mean things about you on the forums. Wouldn’t you rather know what they are saying?”

“Why all the pressure to join the forums?”
“You have exceeded your question limit! I win!!!”

“I don’t care. I’m never going to join the forums.”
“That’s okay. I’ll stop pressuring you. Here, why don’t you take your mind off the forums and look at this amazing other thing I found?”

(Thank you, Harvard Debate Night School!)

For immediate release
DOUBLE FINE’S NEW GAME NO LONGER A MYSTERY


SAN FRANCISCO, Calif.—September 6, 2007—Double Fine Productions, Inc., today announced its heavily-anticipated second game, the first to come from the studio since their critically-acclaimed 2005 release, “Psychonauts.” In this all new, action based IP, you play the part of a barbaric hero in an epic fantasy world, fighting his way from Rock and Roll Hell to Rock and Roll Heaven.

“We’ve been dying to talk about this game for so long,” says Double Fine President and CEO, Tim Schafer, “It feels great to finally be able to share it with the world. The team has put so much hard work into this title, and I think the wait was worth it. We’ve been able to put an extra layer of polish on the game, which is really important considering it has innovative features that are relatively new territory for us: A deep combat system, selectable characters, and dynamic dialog matrix that is completely different every time you play the game.”

In a surprise move, the developer is distributing its game entirely by digital download, from its own, highly popular website. And in an even more surprising move, they are distributing the new title for free. To play the game, eager fans need only to follow this link.

About Double Fine Productions, Inc.
Double Fine productions is a privately held company located in San Francisco, California. Investors and security holders may obtain free copies of any documents filed with the SEC by Double Fine by contacting Double Fine Investor Relations.

Hey, did you notice our website totally changed while I was out of the country? How did it do that? It’s like it was waiting for me to leave, so it could change. Oh, doublefine.com, why are you so shy? I’ve seen you naked before.

I want to talk about all the great new things this page does, but there are so many of them, I don’t think I can describe them all in one news post. There just aren’t enough words! Well, actually there are a lot of words, but there isn’t enough space on the page! Oh, okay, I’m just lazy. I try not to type too much in one sitting because I’m worried it will give me big, blue veins on the back of my hands like in Scanners.

So let me just talk about this one thing. The thing that started the thing. This was the thing that people complained about the most, and the loudest, and for the longest time. No, I’m not talking about Meat Circus. HAHAHAHA. [Look up the emoticon for “Daggers coming out of Eyes” and paste it here before posting.] No, I’m talking about

SYNDICATION.

“Don’t you mean RSS feed?” You say. Haha. That is soooo 2002, buddy. There are many, many different kinds of syndication now, and we’ve got both of them! We have RSS, because that’s the one I understand. And we’ve got Atom, because that’s the one this guy who works at Google told us about at a party, and when someone who works at Google talks at a party, everyone stops talking and turns around to listen like in one of those old E.F. Hutton commercials which you only remember if you are forty years old like me. There are probably many more types of syndication, but really, who cares?

“So what does this mean to me?” you ask, selfishly. Well, it means that you no longer have to submit yourself to the agonizing, self-abuse that is checking this website everyday for new posts. Now you can sit back and wait for the news to come to you. Like you weren’t lazy enough already.

“How can I do this?” you somehow get up the energy to ask. Well, click on either the RSS or Atom feed over there on the bottom of the navigation bar. Then you will SEE THE FEED. Isn’t it beautiful? Careful. It’s dangerous to look at it directly. It’s meant purely for the eyes of robots. Just paste that url into your feed aggregator and-- what’s that? You don’t know what a feed aggregator is? Okay, look. You’re just going to have to look this up on Wikipedia like I did. You can use almost anything. Google Desktop, or iGoogle, or some other tentacle of the benevolent Google millipus can do it. I don’t know. I use SharpReader. I hear that Mozilla thing all you Nader Voters use can do it. My PSP can do it, for crying out loud. I think my toaster can read news feeds now.

We are probably the very last website in the world to get RSS. I’ll bet you all know much more than I do on this topic. So I’m really just writing this for my mother. Hi mom! Hurry up and set up that RSS feed!

That goes for all of you, too. I want everybody, not just my mother, to go right now, and set up an RSS or Atom feed from us. Everybody! Do it! Otherwise, how will you know when I accidentally click “Quick Save” halfway through a post, thinking it will just save my text in progress, but actually posts a half-written news post by me? Or if I fixed a typo in that line about my mother? Answer: you will not.

Holy nuts. I am back. In America. Sweet, nutritious America.

Here’s what I did. I went to Germany and gave a speech which, as you can tell, was about Ho-hos. Then I saw this amazing performance of the FILMharmonic Orchestra Prague, where they played music from video games, including Peter McConnell’s overture from Day of the Tentacle. The usher told us we couldn’t take pictures, but I snuck this one anyway because as far as I know his German laws did not apply to me:

Don’t tell anyone, but I also captured a secret bootleg video from that same, belly-button level. I’d feel weird posting it though, because the people who put on the show were so nice to give me free tickets, how can I betray them by making a Rerun-at-the-Doobie-Brothers-style bootleg? Just be happy knowing that I have it preserved for the ages, and that I’m enjoying it right now, on my personal computer, and I am pleased enough for both of us.

So, guess who I saw there? I ran into not one, but TWO past stars of the Double Fine Action News. First I saw Silke, who I didn’t recognize at first because she was not wearing her everyday clothes. She was dressed up for the symphony, and surrounded by three body guards. That’s just the kind of precaution you have to take when you suddenly find yourself world famous due to the DFAN.

Running into Silke was a crazy coincidence, but it made sense, what with me being in her home country and all. (Germany! Pay attention.) But then I run into this guy! It’s famed Italian, Giuseppe Puglisi! In the flesh. What the heck? I don’t know! But it happened. Don’t ask me how. I just know that the stars were aligned on that magical evening, by the power of music. We were all drawn to it, like moths to a flame. But the flame did not burn us; it only warmed the cockles of our earhearts.

Excuse me? You don’t believe my story of random German-Italian encounters? Surely it is too far-fetched, too unlikely a story to believe that I would—so far away from my own home—run into two people who do not know each other and have no connection except that they both love Psychonauts and they both appeared on this illustrious news page? Well, here are two thousand words that might change your mind:

(Yes, I was trying to look like Steve Jobs that night.)

We have the nicest fans in the world. So nice! Look at them there, laughing it up in the Gewandhaus. As the Frank Sinatra song goes, Leipzig, you are my lady. I will see you tonight, in my dreams.

Can I, amazingly, update this amazing new news page from a BERLIN AIRPORT? Seconds before I board?
Achtung!!!
I mean, “Da!”

German airports have the most pleasant-sounding metal detectors in the world. As the wand passes over your body the sound rises and falls, as if it were whistling appreciatively at your form. It’s like being seduced by R2D2.

Amazing.

Is it possible to update the news from PARIS, FRANCE?

Oui, oui! Sack cray blue!

Is it possible to update this incredibly sexy new website from a hotel room in Germany?

I cannot wait to find out.

Update: In Germany, my shoes smell worse than usual.

Rock and Roll Heaven?

Are you kidding me?

Please, people.

The rules, in case you haven't noticed, are thusly: Whenever I post exciting news about a new product in the DF Shop, EVERYBODY MUST BUY AT LEAST ONE before I can post here again. I don't know why that is, but I'm told it has something to do with XML. Luckily, its seems that everybody in the world has finally purchaced at least one set of Nathan's fabulous buttons. So now you're off the hook, right? Right?
WRONGO!
Mark Hamer explodes onto the scene in his typical extreme fashion. Kapow! Tiny dog! Shezam! Little girl! Ka-zing! Smoking boy! Wha-CHOW! TV dinner! In your face!* Do not delay! Everybody has to buy a set of these pins before I tell you all the stuff that's been going on here. Like the fact that I turned 40 years old, and that Double Fine had its seventh anniversary, that I'm giving a keynote address to the nation of Germany (Just one more spooky coincidence between me and JFK), and that there will be a classical orchestra at that same conference that will be playing music from Day of the Tentacle. Buy these buttons now! You can't afford to stay in the dark forever!!!
*WARNING: Do not apply pins to face.

Favorite things attached to my body:

10. Head
9. Legs
8. FBI wire
7. Arms
6. Friendly, advice-giving tick
5. Old piece of Bubblicious
4. Hairs
3. Scent of authority
2. External organs

And the #1 thing I have attached to my body is…

1. My new Double Fine Action Buttons!!!

Set #3: My Buttons About Me!!!

From the smash hit web comic by Nathan “Bagel” Stapley!

Portrait of the artist as an armless man:

Now how much would you pay?

If you are unable to comprehend the above image, it is because your optical cortex has been tied into knots by primordial fear. What you are looking at--what your brain is trying to protect you from--is the image of a wild animal that recently attacked Double Fine Productions without provocation. It may just look like a tiny, brown bird, trapped in a plastic cake plate by some brave hero. But… well… yes, that is exactly what it is. But more interesting is what it WASN’T: It WASN’T not terrifying.

There were just a few of us here, working late, doing what we always do--killing ourselves to create a few hours of entertainment and joy for people who we have never met. And then this rabid hellion from the bowels of the sky burst forth through an open window, and showered us with terror and probably incurable flu. Beating its terrible wings, gnashing its horrible claws, shrieking mean-spirited obscenities it carved a jagged path through the unsuspecting air of our offices, finally descending to its unholy perch atop Lance’s xbox dev kit. Where it proceeded to say nothing.

Several of our employees were already dead by this point. (Oh why did I hand out those cyanide capsules to every employee?) Those who were left had all passed out, or wet their pants, or lost interest and returned to work. But there were enough witnesses remaining that I could hear them gasp in awe as I fearlessly approached the handless, toothless, lipless abomination.

“We can do this the easy way,” I said, “Or the hard way.”

“Screw you, and your American Bill of Rights,” it said to me, with its eyes.

“Birdie,” I said, while slowly picking up the cake plate from Caroline’s desk and wondering when the email went out about there being cake in the office and how I had missed it.

“What?” It thought, menacingly.

“Huh?”

“What were you going to say?”

“About what?”

“You said, ‘Birdy,’ like you were about to say something to me.”

“Oh, sorry. I was thinking about cake. Where was I?”

My pupils dilated one millimeter. I slowed my heart rate down to one beat per minute. I voided my bowels as a precaution.

“Birdie,” I said, “Now you’re messing with a son of a bitch!"

And before it could even draw its tiny gun, I slammed that hateful clot of feathers into that cake plate so hard, its dead relatives, cold in their graves, tasted frosting.

“Carry me to yon window,” I said to the cheering crowd who had hoisted me upon to their shoulders. And when they did, I leaned out the window and opened the cake plate, and released the bird. This was last Tuesday, the 19th.

So next time you are eating cake at Double Fine, and you find a feather in your mouth, just be aware that you are tasting history.