Killing Spree Takes Deadly Turn
I knew these joyful, mouse-slaughtering days couldn’t retain their innocence forever. Our noble campaign has finally claimed its first human victim. Over the weekend, Lydia Lu, Double Fine 3D Artist, accidentally set off one of our mouse traps, and was very tragically snapped at.

Reports indicate that the mechanized killing machine made a noise that was “very loud” and kind of “scary.” Lydia’s motive for throwing herself onto the trap is unclear. Most of her co-workers were not even aware that she was a mouse.

Lydia was immediately sent to see a grief counselor in another building, so we could all snicker and make fun of her behind her back while she was gone. When she returned she had no idea, and the plan was deemed a great success.

Once, in a men’s room, my brother Danny urinated next to Stewart Copeland from the Police.

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That’s right. Bonus post. Second post of the day. To make up for yesterday’s non-posting. The cost to you? Nothing. Free to you, because we are friends. I only do this because you and I are so close. Other people, who I only pretend to be close with, they cannot see this post. They get another dumb update about mouse feces. While we, true friends, can sit here holding hands, reading these lovingly crafted words together, watching the sentences fly off the page like lyrical ribbons of love, fluttering through the air towards our faces, weaving through our eyeball jelly, piercing our retinas, and nesting in our brains, these verbal tapeworms of friendship and sincerity.

And, just like I promised, hard hitting Double Fine Action News:

The excellent game Psychonauts is on the cover of the new Official XBOX Magazine, just a little bit. See it there, in the right-hand side bar? A tiny bit of Raz. Just a little bit, just a tease, to whip America up into a Psychonaut-wanting FRENZY. Video Game retailers all across the country saw that side bar and thought, “We’d better nail plywood over our windows until that game comes out, because we’re going to have a non-stop RIOT on our hands soon. Until that excellent game ships, America will have the insanity… of a manatee!”

And even though no one asked, this must be said about the DF Rodentia: The mice have begun playing head games with us. They no longer throw themselves upon the Peanut Butter traps. It’s like they’ve completely lost their enthusiasm, their mousy lust for death. We haven’t had a good kill in a week. I would say that they were gone, and that man had finally beaten mouse, but level designer Gaurav Mathur claims he “heard something the other night, crawling around under Josh’s desk.”

And my only question, of course, is what were you doing crawling around under Josh’s desk, Gaurav?

Ha ha ha!

Did I mention that this post was free?

Well, that worked better than I had even hoped! On Tuesday I swore to update the web page every day, and failed to do it even once! The second I made updating the website a task I had to do, I completely failed to do it. Victory! Victory in Failure! That’s the company motto. I think we’ve all learned a little something about ourselves here today. And thanks, everyone, for all the email  letting me know that my failure was complete.

We are very fortunate here at Double Fine in that we receive hundreds of emails daily, from all over the world. We get letters from old people, from young people, rich and poor alike. And you know, I’ll tell you one of my little, secret pleasures. When I need to take a break from work, here is a little routine I’ve developed for after hours, during lunch, or just whenever: I’ll get a cup of coffee, put on some music, slip into my worn old cardigan, open up that mail box, and just start deleting emails at random, without even reading them! I’ll I can be in the worst mood, and still somehow, that gives me a little smile.

Like this:

Sometimes I try to imagine what the unread messages are saying. Mostly I imagine they are people asking me where I buy my clothes, where I get my hair done, do I want a backrub, stuff like that. But some people, I imagine, say things like, “Why do you only post news about mouse poo and coffee? Where is all the game news? What about the excellent game Psychonauts?!?”

And to that imaginary mailer, I say, “Shut up. Man, I’m glad I deleted you. I think I’m going to drag your mail out of the trash, into my inbox, just so I can delete you TWICE!”

Here’s the thing: Double Fine isn’t just about Psychonauts, you know. It’s not even just about video games. We have several other product lines that you might like to hear about. For example:

One of the many products Double Fine produces is catch phrases. Catch phrases that sweep the nation and captivate the tongues of people who can’t think of what to say for themselves. Like, “Don’t go there!” and “Talk to the hand!” The problem with most catch phrases is that the people who create them don’t take care of them. They just toss them out into the air, and callously walk away, leaving their phrases, their children, to fall unloved into the public domain. Where’s the business plan?

Double Fine thinks it’s time that companies take catch phrases seriously. We intend to produce high-quality catch phrases for a broad market, on time and under budget, and release them through well-established distribution channels. Most importantly, we will maintain the intellectual property rights to the phrases so that once they are in common parlance, we will then sue everybody. Genius? Yes.

So here is the first phrase. I have been beta testing it for about a year, and it’s been going very well. Get a pen, as you will want to write this down:

“You have the insanity… of a manatee.” entire catchphrase (c)2002 Double Fine Productions

The proper usage of this phrase is at home or in the office, when someone says something that is flabbergasting in its strangeness, you just turn to them with your jaw dropped, and then say, “You have the insanity of a manatee.” If you do it just right, you’ll notice it rhymes. The ellipse (...) is optional. Use it if you need a dramatic pause. And you can shake your head a little bit when you say “manatee.”

Eavesdrop on some conversations today, and you might notice that the phrase has already caught on among the nations “opinion-setters.” Don’t get left behind! Catch “manatee fever” today!

Now, onto the real news about the game:

Oh, wait. My phone’s ringing. I’ll do the real news tomorrow!

Okay, this week I’m going to try an experiment. I’m going to try to update the Double Fine Action News EVERY DAY. Whether I have anything newsworthy to say or not. I guess that’s not really much of a change. Except that for this whole week, I’m going to do it even if I don’t feel like it. Even if I have an earache, or if my legs hurt, or I’m all itchy, or if I have absolutely nothing to say.

Why you may ask? After all, there has been no great demand for this service. No one has said, “please, more updates!” In fact, many people have said, “uh… what’s with all the updates? Don’t you have a job? Or some real news?”

I do have a job, but nothing is more horrible than the work you HAVE to do. I have a huge pile of writing I have to do for the game, but writing for the Action News is more fun right now because I do not HAVE to do it. See? So, my theory is that if I create a situation where I HAVE to write on the web page every day this week, it will become such an obligation and a chore that I won’t enjoy it anymore. Then, the allure will be gone and I’ll stop doing it and get back to the work I have to do, which is writing dialog for the excellent game Psychonauts.

Or, wait, how about this: I’ll write dialog for the excellent game Psychonauts and put it on the web page, thereby killing two birds with one ingenious stone. Okay here we go. Freestylin’ dialog. Right off the top of my head. Warning: spoilers below. Maybe.


RAZ: “Arrrrr.”

PRESIDENT CLINTON: “Whoa, dude. You are, like, totally reading my mind.”

RAZ: “Take that!”

PRESIDENT CLINTON: “Hey, I’m not president any more. Shouldn’t that be EX-president?”

RAZ: “I knew you were going to say that.”

EX-PRESIDENT CLINTON: “In fact, are you sure I’m even in this game? I’m going to check with my agent, but I don’t think I’m in this game Psychonauts, although it is an excellent game!”

RAZ: “Diabolique! Please enjoy the tasting of your head’s exploding!”

THE END

Brilliant! And that is just a taste—a swig, if you will—of the delicious dialog you will be enjoying when you play this very excellent game, Psychonauts.

The other point that I am making on accident is this:  With the increased frequency of postings, the quality is going to go WAY down. From the very low mark it already set for itself. So sit back, relax, and enjoy the sheer volume of it all.

Tomorrow, I promise, real actual news. Like, a ton of it.