Sometimes when I yawn, the pressure increases in my head so much that I’m afraid my eyeballs are going to pop out. I squeeze my eyelids shut tight, but I can still feel my eyeballs in there, trying to get out. It’s like my eyes are like two pregnant snails, squeezing to give birth.
This happened once to Raul Julia. He said so on Letterman. They just popped out, and he had to push them back in again—his eyes.
Raul’s last movie was Street Fighter. Before it was a movie it was a popular game. Did you know that? It was so popular that they made it into a movie. And the movie was so unpopular, that they made it back into a game again. Making a video game based on a movie based on a video game seemed amazingly weird to me at the time, I remember. Like amazingly, incredibly weird. I thought the world was ending. But everyone around me stayed so calm, I just kept quiet about it.
If you enjoyed this story, here are some suggested materials for further reading:
Greenway, Theresa (1999). Slugs and Snails as Pets; Raintree Publishers.
Brown, David S. (1994) Freshwater Snails of Africa and Their Medical Importance; Taylor & Francis, inc.
Cruz, Barbara (1998) Raul Julia: Actor and Humanitarian; Enslow Publishers, Incorporated
Street Fighter(R) Anniversary Collection Official Strategy Guide; BradyGames (2004)
Okay, everybody have their magazines in hand like I asked? Great. Now put them away and turn on your computer. Make sure you have the internet installed.
Have a grown-up help you with this next step: Check out the online coverage we’ve been getting on internationally feared and respected sources such as GameSpot, GameSpy, and IGN. But don’t watch any of the videos. For one thing, I mumble a lot and and you’d be wasting your time trying to understand what I’m saying because, for the most part, I’m just begging for the interview to be over. Stuff like, “Can I take this mic off? Does that light have to be so bright? Can the camera look at something else while I talk?”
Also, if you watch all those movies you’ll see too much of the game and ruin the surprises. And if you see the video that shows the final cutscene… well, it’s going to affect your experience playing the game if you find out too early that everybody dies in the end from the super flu. Oh WHOOPS. Spoiler alert! What I meant to say was that everybody MAY OR MAY NOT die from the super flu at the end of Psychonauts. You don’t know. Maybe I leaked that on purpose to misdirect you from the truth, or maybe I leaked it on purpose to make you THINK I wanted to misdirect you from the truth, when in fact that IS the truth. Double reverse psychology. Maybe I am only writing all this stuff to distract you from the fact that I’m breaking into your car right now. You don’t know! How could you know? It’s unknowable!
The point is, you are all my puppets and you will only think what I want you to think, so don’t even try to think anything else. Please.
Now I want you to think about this: New comics up by Raz and Nathan. None from Scott. Why none from Scott? Well, in his own words, slightly paraphrased, “Nobody likes me or my comics. Everybody likes Raz and Nathan, and hates me and thinks I’m fat.” Wow. Poor guy. Poor body image affects everybody, I guess. Please mail Scott at the action comics hotline and tell him you love his comic, and beg him for more, before he has another bulimic episode. Do not mention anything about his morbid obesity, please. Act like nothing’s wrong, and that he’s totally normal-looking. Don’t stare at his ankles, especially. Most of the build-up there is just stress-related water retention.
Try to keep up will you?
Go out and buy the November Issues of both Official Xbox Magazine AND Official PlayStation Magazine, the December issue of Computer Gaming World, and the October issue of Play, and read all of the excellent coverage those excellent magazines gave to the excellent game Psychonauts. Then, after you calm down from all that and your heart rate returns from normal, call your secretary and block off a whole afternoon of free time before you settle in with the November issue of XBOX Nation. They did a whole story on the sexy company Double Fine, in all our sexiness. Some of our people are shown reclining on bean bag chairs. That’s how sexy it is. Make sure you are alone, in case you feel inclined to kiss any of the photos.
There is even more press than this, but I refuse to tell you about anymore until you GO OUT AND BUY THOSE MAGAZINES I just mentioned. Go on. Do it.
I’ll just sit here quietly until everybody’s ready to continue.
Sorry to disappear like that, but the wave of information about the excellent game Psychonauts kept me down for a long time. The burden of such an enormous, beautiful truth weighed upon me heavily, but I am not complaining. Like the noble burro, I suffer without a thought for myself. Sure, it would be easy to collapse and maybe break down in donkey tears under the hot sun. And yes, I could have scraped this burden off on a rock or a low-hanging tree branch. But I know that I must carry this news all the way to its final destination, because people will die without their Psychonauts information!
Here is one that you have to know right away, and probably already do: Majesco has put up an awesome new Psychonauts page for your pleasure. Check it out. (Special thanks to Jimmy from Psycho Charger for that URL!)
Anyway, new president, blah blah blah vote blah.
Get a job here, why don’t you?
I was just thinking—I never see you anymore! We never hang out. I miss you, you know that? It’s my fault. I’m always at work these days, and that’s not going to let up for a while. But I just realized a way we can see each other all the time: IF YOU WORKED HERE!
So, in case you didn’t notice, there are some new jobs on the jobs page. The Double Fine jobs page. All you have to do is go to the jobs page, make your selections, and take the job. It’s so easy! Thank goodness our friendship has been saved—through hard work!
I meant, through fun and easy work! On the excellent game Psychonauts!
In other news—wait—what’s that sound? Could it be… the roar of a rising tsunami? The white peaks of breaking information about to pick you up and throw you under the surface of awareness, swirl you around in a torrent of knowledge, fill your mouth with the sand of facts and your lungs with the water of truth, and drag you out into the cold sea of enlightenment in an undertow of announcements? Hells yes! Hold your breath!
Okay, yes, I know I am not updating the news page that much these days, but here’s the deal. I WANT to, I really do. All day long there are thrilling Psychonauts news items, hilarious Double Fine anecdotes, crazy mishaps in the office, and deep personal revelations that I want to relate to you but I CAN NOT because if Malena sees me updating the website she will know that I was not writing Psychonauts dialog for at least 20 minutes and she will kill another kitten. She has done it three times so far and I can’t take having the blood (and fur and tiny whisker fragments) on my hands anymore.
But I have to make an exception because this is a special occasion. Today I am uploading to world wide web Double Fine Action Comic NUMBER ONE HUNDRED!!!!!!!! Amazing but true. It seems just yesterday when we put up DFAC #1. Oh, *sniff* don’t get me started or I am going to cry! Let’s just all go read #100 and enjoy it and think about how lucky we are that we are alive to see it, and that we don’t have to read it from heaven like Johnny Ramone.
But please, god, do NOT tell Malena because the last kitten put up such a fight, and when she nails up the corpses over my desk to remind me she nails them up so high that I’d have to get a ladder to get them down so I just leave them up there and one of them is hanging in such away that it’s looking right at me, and I hate it.
Okay, sorry about that. There was this milestone, and we were all crabby and suffering and busy, but now that’s done and so everything is all relaxed. Except for the tons and tons of work we still have to do.
But I don’t want any of you out there to relax. I want your bodies to be in a taught, readied position so when the wave hits you, you won’t break your neck. What wave? Why, the wave of information about the excellent game Psychonauts, of course. I think I hear it rumbling now…
Here is some stuff that is not technically part of the wave, but is floating in on the swell ahead of the wave, like chunks of half-eaten surfers: New comics! From everyone except for Raz! Boo, Raz! Send hate mail to Raz at comics @ doublefine.com. Then go look at Nathan and Scott’s comics, and then send more hate mail to Raz.
We got covered in Official Xbox Magazine. I’m trying to find the mail that says what issue and what page, and I am failing. But it’s the new one, so if you have a copy of OXM and it still has that “new magazine smell,” then you probably have it. Now just press your hands on the cover and feel around until you find the parts that are extra thick with gaming quality, and that’s the article on Psychonauts.
We were in Los Angeles recording voice for the excellent game, and look what I found on the street right outside the hotel room:
I didn’t even know KISS had a star on the Walk of Fame™ but there it is! It’s hard to tell from the picture, but my hand is contorted into a fit of metal rapture. Finding a Kiss star is considered good luck by my people (BADASSES). I’m not sure if will increase your enjoyment of that picture or not, but I’ll tell you anyway that as I took that picture my mouth was full of White Castle, from a Harold & Kumar promotional burger and hula hoop stand. Obviously, that was kind of a peak moment for me.
This just in: everyone is still psyched about Double Fine and Majesco.
How about that?
That’s some good news there. I like that news. I was tempted not to mention it because the Double Fine Action News is so pure; so rarely have its gentle pages been soiled with the inky taint of news, or the gratuitous use of semi-colons. But I will make an exception this time, mostly because I wanted to see that kitten in the news banner again.
In case you are too scared or lazy to click on the above link, I will summarize the news item for you here:
Item: The Excellent Game Psychonauts will be published by the Incredibly Attractive Company Majesco. Psychonauts is rad, Majesco kicks ass, and everybody is stoked. You are awesome just for reading this. I love you. Tell everyone.
Truckloads of screenshots and information about the excellent game Psychonauts have been backing up here for months, and its all about to explode onto the internet and games press, explosively. I would say, “stay tuned,” but really what you should do is, “hold the f*** on,” because the coming avalanche of excellence will show no mercy, and may very well sweep you off your feet into the Sea of Absolute, Numbing Satisfaction where you will bob up and down on a life raft of… uh… a life raft of… gaming… pleasures? Whatever. Man, so many good things are about to happen. Try not to book any appointments for August because you will be busy enjoying stuff about Psychonauts.
Oh, and we’re doing a Windows version. Just for my dad. Hi Dad!
Why don’t you take the rest of the day off to enjoy this fabulous news, all of you?
Last week’s darling of the action news, the orange-shirted Malena, has skyrocketed to the bottom of our popularity charts this week, and experts are at loss for a reason why. Sources speculate that it could be her constant haranguing of handsome genius Tim Schafer about his backlog of dialog-writing tasks. Other pundits put forth the theory that voters have turned on her due to her frequent gambling on college football. I, for one, am not sure, but I think I believe in whichever sentence it was that mentioned how handsome Tim Schafer is.
Also, I don’t want to make things worse, but on my way back from my weekly blood donating, I saw Malena out behind the office, taunting a stray kitten. She was calling the kitten FAT, and telling the kitten that nobody loved it, and when the kitten started crying, Malena LAUGHED at the kitten, and repeated everything the kitten said in a mocking tone, while moving her right hand as if it were holding an invisible hand-puppet that was saying everything the kitten said. And as the kitten was tearfully running away, Malena flipped off the kitten. And then she said something rude about handicapped people.
And the kitten wasn’t even handicapped.