Did you read this?
How about this?
And what about this?
I hear that is very good, but I can’t seem to find the time.
In other Psychonauts news, I went to my new dentist today, and it turns out he’s bald. Not on the sides, but mostly on top. And as I sat in that chair with a little paper bib on, mouth stretched wide open, watching his masked face lean over me, scraping my teeth with his metal scrapers, I realized how good a thing this is, the baldness. From now on, I will only go to bald dentists. Why? I will hide the answer in this box, because it is gross. But also true. Look in here only if you want the gross truth:
If your dentist is bald, you don’t have to worry about his dandruff falling in your mouth.
I thought it was Tuesday! Look at the date of yesterday’s post! There is no “Monday, March 8!” Except, maybe in the year 2015, and I’m just making that up. Did I miss anything? Besides the first day of the Game Developer’s Conference, I mean? Oh, that reminds me. If you go to the expo at GDC you can actually PLAY the PC version of the Excellent Game Psychonauts! Play it with your own hands, and eyes, and your beating heart! It will be running in both the NVidia (410) and Creative (920) booths. Those numbers in parenthesis are booth numbers. Furthermore, (Infinity). That number in parenthesis is how much I love you.
Okay, there is a ton of stuff going on, but I have nothing to say. How is that possible? Because I have no brain left. We all used every brain cell we had as a company to make Psychonauts, and now it is done (except for all the stuff we still have to do) and my brain is… I can’t find the words because my brain is so… you know what I’m saying. Stoopid. That’s the word. I should have saved one brain cell, just so I could find my house. But no.
Anyway, we have been getting a ton of great press about Psychonauts, but the fan sites are so much more on top of it than me, so if you want to catch up on all the new game info, you should probably just go check them out instead! The International House of Mojo always has the latest, as does Razputin’s Domain. Tim Fandango has recently updated, and I like the art in their header bar. The Church of Tim seems to hate news. (And recently, anything that rhymes with “news.”) I have to admire that in a way. I’m not sure exactly what the Church of Tim is, to tell you the truth, but it seems to be an artist who looks like Che Guevara writing a diary from the point of view of a fictitious, nine-year-old Irish girl. Oh, and there’s a naked picture of me. Kinda.
The Game Developer’s Conference is in town, and it’s happening like two blocks from our offices. I can see them from my desk. Hey, if you’re at the conference look over here! I’m leaning out my window, waving. Hello!
Turns out A&W did, at one time, sell a “Velveeta Burger.”
Thanks for all the letters.
Weird! It turns out I was on that Gamespot show! I had no idea. But it was nice to see myself again. The whole interview is still up on their site I guess until they bump Psychonauts for those dang Canadian doctors. Dang them and their shifty, Northern ways.
If you haven’t been paying attention then that last paragraph probably made no sense whatsoever. But I have no time to make sense. It’s all about finishing the Euphonious Salami Psychonauts (or E.S.P. as it is known on the street)! We just have to put in a couple more car chases and fart jokes and sit back and wait. Wait for what? Why for the state to issue new history books to all the schools—books that divide all of man’s time on Earth into B.P. (Before Psychonauts) and A.P. (some Latin phrase nobody really understands but it kind of means “After Psychonauts”).
Shhh! Listen: An awesome new Psychonauts fan site has emerged!
I warn you: their site looks better than doublefine.com. That’s because I put doublefine.com together my own self and I only taught myself enough about FrontPage to get this site up, and orange, and then I gave my brain a much needed vacation. (But, don’t worry. I’m not done. As soon as I figure out how to make one of those cool, rainbow-colored separator bars and the flying pig that chases your cursor around, this page is going to get a whole lot sexier.) But for now, if you want elegance, sophistication, and hot Psychonauts action, check out razputin.net. I predict they will be a better source of information about Psychonauts than this page here, which is really just a source of information about the color orange.
And a place for me to type, since they won’t let me add any more dialog to the game.
Hey, I just noticed. This page looks a lot like Velveeta. Like maybe if A&W served Velveeta.
Go to this page on gamespot at 4:00 TODAY to see them playing our demo. It’s going to come ALIVE like Frampton.
Man, if I had any brains I would have been calling it “The Excellent Salamander Psychonauts” or something that started with S so the initials would be E.S.P. Grrr! So stupid! Maybe I can change it now and no one will notice.
Anyway, watch the thing at 4!
And mail the comics line and tell us what you think of the new comics page! Now!
Now, I make this website myself with a bunch of pipe cleaners, and some hot glue, and a big rock. It’s not pretty but I think the most important thing about it is that you, the reader, have the pleasure of knowing that I did not have to pay anybody to get it made.
But some people wanted more. Much more. They wanted to read the comics without doing math. They wanted to click on—get this—a button to read the “NEXT” comic!
I said, what do you think this is? Futureopolis? Hey, you know what? I want to eat a pill that tastes just like a hot fudge sundae! I want a tiny dog the size of a hamster that lives on my desk and fetches pencils. I want a car with a drill on the front so I can drive underground. And the car and the tiny dog should also taste like hot fudge. And we will have all of these things some day, IN THE FUTURE, I said. Not now. For now we have to make due with what brains I’ve got. I barely know html. Mostly I just cut and paste from other websites, and just add these things <> until it works.
But what the heck--we have a NEW comics page thanks to Kelli Townley, and her official PHP pal Aidan Dysart. I don’t know how those crazy kids did it but they got the buttons and the new layout and everything working, while I just sit here, no hot fudge, no driving underground, no tiny dog. Still, it’s pretty cool and you should go check it out. If for no other reason than the fact that they have NEW COMICS on it! All new, and in color! It’s time to live again.
See, THIS is what happens when I let the news back up. Now there’s too much of it. Dirty, filthy, NEWS!
First of all, I was digging around for something to use as a bullet point, and I found this tiny piece of Psychonauts art already on the server. Why did I upload this last February? I can’t remember! Maybe I did it in my sleep. Was I trying to tell me something? Do you care? No. Am I still talking about it? Yes.
Secondly, a bunch of us are going down to Cogswell College TOMORROW to give a little talk about the art of Psychonauts. I would have mentioned it earlier, but I was afraid people might show up and then we’d be too afraid to talk. Anyway, through some crazy loophole in our policy of secrecy, we’re able to bring down an actual playable version of the game. So there might be some playing of that. And then we’ll be showing some art and the artisans will talk about it. And because I believe so strongly that the children are the future, we will hang out and chat with the young art students of today. Then the art is going to hang in their gallery for a while. They’ve framed it and everything. It is going to be effing fancy. I hear there will be grapes and other sophisticated snacks. Even if you can’t come tomorrow, I think they’re going to leave the exhibit up for a month. You can check it out at your leisure. I will put a thumbprint on the glass in the lower left hand corner of the Raz picture. See if you can find it.
Thirdly, there is an IGN article here that mentions my beard so much, that it’s probably time to get rid of that thing. I would have shaved it long ago but Caroline, our executive producer, hates it so much it actually seems to cause her pain, and I would hate to lose that. Of course they did compare my beard to George Lucas’, so I am sharpening my razor.
And here is a beard-free write up on GameSpy of a talk I gave at D.I.C.E. last week. Now, here is what I have to say about that. You might think after reading that article that I was saying bad stuff about a certain company, but I was not. Not really. I mean I was talking about a period of time from 1989 to 1999. It’s been years since I left, and there are many good, talented people still there. And they’ve had many, many presidents since I left so everything is probably all fixed there now.
And of course, MOST IMPORTANTLY, our friendly friends over at the International House of Mojo made such a lovely banner about Psychonauts I just have to point to it. Not just beautiful—you can actually USE this banner to preorder the Excellent Game. And notice that they have mastered technologies that allow regular users to pre-order the XBOX version, but also the PS2 and PC versions as well! I don’t know how they did that. They are magic, mysterious creatures of pure light and knowledge over there.
And finally… oh wait. That part about the house of mojo one was the final one. Okay, you’re free to go.
Psychonauts keeps happening to us, every day of our lives. There are Frootloops and beer bottles everywhere. The end seems so close, so very close. We only have to drag our crippled, broken bodies across a few more yards of broken glass before we get there. When, oh when, will all this excellence hit the effing road? When will this glorious, golden ocean cruiser of a game start to haul its fat, golden ass out of our harbor? Is there enough Vaseline in the whole world to get this enormous, high-quality, blood-swollen tick out of our collective neck so that it may share what it has taken from us with the entire world?
I will eat more Frootloops. I realize now that is the problem. The game is waiting for all the Frootloops to be gone before it leaves. Why? Ours is not to question the game, but merely to do its bidding.