Yes, plugs may be considered a form of advertising, but listen—we are giving you the comics for free, so choke down the plugs! And the “ads” are only for the extracurricular activities of our exceptional staff. Here’s why this is really a testament to you, the fans: I know it is annoying to wait for a game to come out. Even an excellent one like Psychonauts. But if you sample the individual creative works of the team one by one, that will make it a much richer experience when you finally get to hear them singing together in one mighty voice, in the holy choir that is our game. Oh, so here’s the plug:
Go to the Bottom of the Hill TOMORROW NIGHT and witness hard-working Double Fine programmer Anna Kipnis unleash the fury of her rock. She is playing drums and keyboards and singing with the Husbands. I think I’m going to go, and if you go, then make sure that you let me know that you’re there, so I can aim at you when I stage dive.
If you live elsewhere and you are bored with these plugs for local events, then please tell me where you live and I’ll plug something there. I’m here to help. I’m just trying to keep people busy so they don’t riot before the game comes out. Of course, if you DO happen to riot on accident, make sure you grab yourself a free XBOX so you can play Psychonauts.
One of our very own artists here at Double Fine, the talented Mark Hamer, is having a show this week and you should go look at it.
It’s at Dalva, 3121 16th Street & Valencia. There is a reception next Monday the 8th, 7-9pm. That’s next Monday night. Come on—like you have something cooler than that to do next Monday night.
You should buy one of Mark’s paintings if you’re lucky enough to get there before they’re all gone, but you should not try to recruit Mark for your own game company because Mark loves Double Fine and hates you and if you try to recruit him he might kill you. No joke there. Mark hates being recruited. When I recruited Mark to come work at Double Fine the only reason I survived was that I happened to be wearing a bear suit.
And if I see you in a bear suit next Monday night, I’ll know what you’re up to, so don’t even try it.
I have haxx0red Gamespy and found this top secret voting page that makes it much easier for you to help Grim Fandango become President of the United States. Grim Fandango stands for a woman’s right to choose, a balanced budget, and for making TiVo mandatory in every American household. (Grim Fandango is everybody’s president, but is kind of tired of trying to relate to people who don’t have TiVo.)
Go to Gamespy’s title fight and vote for Grim Fandango! Today!!!
Vote for Grim for what you say? I’m not sure, but I think if Grim wins, then it gets to run for president against Bush. I will admit that I’ve looked all over that site and for the life of me I can’t figure out HOW you vote for Grim, but you are all so much smarter than me I’m sure you’ll figure it out.
Now, the campaign:
The Gabriel Knight lady is really nice, I have heard. But tell me, has she ever given you any… FREE COMICS? Hmmm? Double Fine has given you THREE FREE COMICS so far. How many have you gotten from the makers of Gabriel Knight? Probably less than that. Or fewer than that. Whichever is correct. Okay, maybe some comics came free with the game, but I’m asking you what has the Gabriel Knight lady done for you LATELY? I’ll bet she’s not even thinking of you right now, where as I’m sitting down to write you this nice letter. Hello, you! How are your feelings? That’s great, because I care about them and you both.
Okay, okay, the comics aren’t free if I give you this guilt trip along with them so I apologize for that. I’m just excited about poor old Grim winning this contest, and excitement always makes me somewhat manipulative. And it’s just that Grim is so, so old now. It came out in ‘98, which makes it 73, in game years. Poor old Grim.
Oh, man. Now I’m using pity. First I try a guilt trip, and then a pity party. What am I, your mother? Man. Enough out of me already. I’ll just be quiet now so you can vote. Vote what’s in your heart. Either for the good game, or for the game that never gave you any free comics. Your choice. I’ll just sit here trying to heal from the wounds I got giving birth to you.
I wish I could have given you all more warning than this.
Because this is going to hurt a little—all this joy getting shoved into your minds at once. But here it goes. Prepare yourself as well as you can for the…
DOUBLE FINE ACTION COMICS!
Drawn every day by our very own art director SCOTT CAMPBELL.
Not here. Over on the left hand side. GO!
As promised, the screenshots have been ensmallened today. I’m sorry, but we needed those extra pixels for the game. Let’s just call yesterday, “A tribute to DSL!”
Today, we are back to loving our dial-up friends! Hi you guys! Let’s shake hands! Click! Oooooh… screeeeeeeebrbl, brbl, brbl, brbleeeeeeekdlkjdfkjaskdjfskdfsdf!
Haha! Modem humor! Free modem humor for you on the internet! By me!
From: clamchowderfetish @ zombo.com
Sent: Tuesday, February 02, 2004 9:34 PM
Subject: Hey loser!
HAHA! You’re so dumb. First of all, you misspelled “acoustic.” And secondly, Groundhogs aren’t actually hogs. And thirdly, your dumb! HAHAHA! Why don’t you shrink your face, instead of those screenshots? Because then your face would be less ugly, because it would be smaller and you’re stupid!
P.S. If you have any advice about how to break into the games industry, please let me know! It’s my lifelong dream! ^_^
P.P.S Thanks for making Sam ‘n’ Max! It’s my favorite game!
Sigh. Why do I ever open this thing? Okay, riddle me this, Professor: Why are they called GROUND hogs? Huh? Aren’t most types of hogs ground-based? Don’t most hogs spend at least 75% of the time on—or very near—the ground? I mean, what else could there be? Airhogs??? (Man, I hope not. That would suuu-uck. “Oh, man. I just washed my car and then a whole flock of airhogs flew overhead.” “The plane went down after ingesting a large airhog into the engine.” “Honey, you left the window open and an airhog flew in and ate the baby.”)
Anyway, to answer your question, to get into the games industry, break into the Sony party at E3, walk around saying “Online multiplayer is the future,” and if nobody has hired you by 11:00 pm, sleep with the first person you hear speaking either Japanese or French. Worked for me!
...The full-size screenshots on the products page are getting a little SMALLER tomorrow. They will still be full-size, but the definition of “full” will have changed—enhanced to be less, if you will.
People complained that they take too long to load in their full, decadent, delicious, gigantic, voluminous glory. They’re probably just mad because before they can finish downloading a picture, their mom comes in and lifts the receiver off of the acoustic modem and tells them it’s time for Ally Sheedy to go home. So, I will be reducing them slightly, tastefully, in the hopes that they, like Jennifer Connelly, will win an Oscar. Sorry for mixing my movie star references there.
BUT I thought I’d leave them up for a day in case anyone wants to grab them when they’re still big.
Man, that sounds dirty. When did this page get so sexy? What sexiness will be unveiled tomorrow? Or whenever?
It has been brought to my attention that nobody but myself (Tip: Always use the word “myself” instead of “me” and you’re sure to sound smart, like the cops on reality TV) and a couple other people know what the word “manky” means. Additionally, those other two people were only faking it, because I’m their boss.
First of all—you two are fired for making me look stupid, and for being kiss-asses.
Secondly of all: Manky is a contraction of “MAN that is SKANKY.” If you didn’t know that, you might want to have your brain examined for stupidness because there might be some of it in there, and it might be laying eggs.
In honor of Groundhog Day, I have put up a version of the official Double Fine Products page which is considered by several people here to be just a little less manky than the previous products page. Though it is mostly just the same old recycled crap, it does have a couple of surprises here and there, and much fewer broken links and no icons that say “New” but are actually 2 years old. And I have to admit that this has nothing to do with Groundhog Day. But very few things actually have much to do with Groundhog Day so I figured no one would notice. As if groundhogs are so cool anyway. I’d like to see a bunch of groundhogs make a products page. Whoa. Wow. Where’s all that anger come from? I’ll have to examine those feelings next time I’m at Bikram.
I think I’m just overtired. (I hope so, because I like the expression overtired. “Hey, are you overtired?” “No, I’m just tired enough. I’m in the sweetspot, you know? Not undertired, not overtired. Just nicetired.”) I want to write more about the excellent game but I’m so sleepy you might pick up on that and get the wrong impression. You might surmise from my slow, lethargic diction and lack of funny that I was less enthusiastic than I really am. Which would be a tragedy because I am hecka enthusiastic about this game. Hella, even. But I am tired because we had to pull two all-nighters in a row to make this last milestone. The team did, I mean. *I* was at home watching “The Apprentice” on TiVo. But I’m still tired because it took me forever to wade through all the pleading “I’m tired,” and, “I want to go home,” emails from the team. Sheesh. Don’t make me come down there, guys!
It was milestone number—if I remember correctly—eight million and five. We build them and then send it to the publisher through the air, in a magical cloud of a million, colorful little particles. (Like that little cowboy guy in Willy Wonka!) Then, up in Seattle, men with gasmasks and big, rubber gloves pull the bright dots out of the air with butterfly nets, roll them out into a game-like putty, stuff that into a sack and throw it into quarantine for six months to make sure it doesn’t have any diseases. Then they shine a bright light in it’s cage to scare it, and bang on the bars with nightsticks. Then they shoot it with a hose, tell it that it’s family is dead, and then put on frightening shadow puppet shows through the bars. They flash the lights on and off randomly while making that “chh-chh-chh… cah-cah-cah…” sound from the Friday the 13th sound track.
If you’ve ever played a game and it’s acted kind of funny, now you know why. They go through a lot.
That’s right. It’s 2004!
But, of course you know that, because if it wasn’t 2004, you’d still be hibernating in your computer-controlled cryo-suspension chamber, wouldn’t you? You cleverly programmed it to let you sleep until 2004 so that you wouldn’t have to spend another waking moment without the excellent game Psychonauts, if you’re anything like me. So wake up and wipe off that nutritious gelatin you were packed in and get ready to enjoy!
More specifically, get ready to enjoy another couple of seasons of waiting, since the game’s not coming out until the holidays. And by “The Holidays” I mean, of course, the several holidays that the federal government is creating to commemorate the release of the excellent game Psychonauts. No doubt these will replace the out-dated “Thanksgiving” and “Christmas” and whatever it was those used to commemorate.
But don’t worry—the time will pass quickly because you have A LOT of stuff to do before the game comes out. There is some serious emotional work ahead of you this spring and summer.
You see, Psychonauts brings with it a whole Mayflower moving truck full of entertainment and value, and I ask you this question: do you have room for it in your brain? In your heart? You need to look deep within yourself, and start scooping out great, big chunks of feelings and memories and thoughts and start throwing them aside. Psychonauts is about to move in and become a larger part of you than anything has before. It will be more important to you than your childhood, your college days, your love life. And I mean, thank god, right? Because, honestly, none of those things have been that good yet, you have to admit. And that’s why we are here, creating something for you to replace them with. Like excellent, emotional spackle, layered on thick by your friends at Double Fine with the extra-wide putty knife that is the XBOX.
They say that the way you spend New Year’s Day is very important for it foretells how you will be spending the rest of your year. When I heard them say that, I totally panicked because there’s no way in hell I’m spending another year under my bed, crying, and eating marshmallow peeps. So I immediately crawled over to the phone and dictated this informative news item, and even though it is really the fourth of January, I cleverly post-dated it to the first! Ha ha! Take that, fate! I have fooled you again!
Oh, don’t you look at me that way, Judgey McJudge. You know you do the exact same thing with your rent check every month.
So, that’s two things I’ll be doing a lot of this year: Updating the news page, and LYING.
Just like last year!
P.S. I hear we are in the Official Xbox Magazine! With new screen shots and stuff. Go buy it now! I haven’t seen it yet because, instead of sending us their magazine every month, OXM just sends us a post card that says “We hate you!” and has a picture of me with a knife in my head. Not sure what that is about. Anyway, somebody buy it and tell me if they used any of my nude shots, please.