No, not my chin. My nose. WHY was I shaving my nose, you might ask? Well, you see, I wasn’t. I was shaving my chin, and I got a little excited.
Here’s something you might not know about your nose, and hopefully will never have to find out like I had to: your nose is FULL OF BLOOD, just dying to come out. Not in those two little holes that you see, but all around those holes there is a fragile membrane of blood-filled tissue. You so much as nick it with a razor, and you’ve got a Brian DePalma movie on your hands. Geeee-ross.
But here’s the important thing: I’m okay! The excellent game Psychonauts marches on!
Talk about your slow news day. Here, maybe it’s time we hit the Double Fine Mail bag. I think a fresh voice from the outside world will give us something to talk about…
Uh, excuse me, Sir Einstein, but the nose is actually considered by many scientists to be technically part of the face. Yeah. And what is with that “bra” thing anyway? Is that supposed to be surfer talk or something? That’s just sad. Okay, let’s just forget it. Let me find a letter with a question about the game.
The mail bag was established for SERIOUS INQUIRIES about Double Fine Productions and the excellent game Psychonauts. Not to tease me about my little shaving problem. I’ll have you know that the nose, at least on humans, is very close to the cheek and chin. Maybe you are unfamiliar with this because you are a jackass, and your nose is a whole foot in front of the rest of your donkey-like face. But shaving for us actual men is challenging. And sometimes we get excited, and sometimes we’re dancing when we shouldn’t be and sometimes things happen and then the next thing you know there’s blood everywhere and jerks start mailing you insulting emails. I’m still a little dizzy, so don’t mess with me, alright?
Oh, Jeeze. Thanks for reminding me.
Hey, have you ever noticed that blood tastes like pennies? Why is that? Or is it that pennies taste like blood? Are we tasting the ghost of Abraham Lincoln, who’s face adorns the coin? Maybe his ghost, angry about being assassinated, makes every penny taste like blood, HIS blood, to remind the world of how he got screwed?
Oh man. Ha ha. That’s just so Abe, you know?
P.S. We are still taking resumes for the Visual Effects position, and also for the Office Manager job. Have you told a friend yet? How about that friend named “you?”
Another job available at Double Fine! I’m just going to keep posting these, you know, until we somehow manage to hire YOU, my good buddy. Why are you playing hard to get? Why not just give in right now and save us all some work? All you have to do is become Double Fine’s…
OFFICE MANAGER !!!
Check out this awesome, awesome job description (written in special, more businesslike recruit-a-tone™):
We are looking for an Office Manager to support our creative environment in a wide variety of areas, including human resources, administrative, and light financial work.
• Maintain personnel and other employment files
• Manage, administer, and educate employees on company benefits (medical, dental, vision, 401k, commuter checks, etc.)
• Facilitate recruitment (obtain and post job descriptions, organize resumes, schedule interviews.)
• Coordinate performance reviews
• Administer paperwork for new hires, terminations, and immigration
• Plan company events
• Manage relationship with outside payroll company
• Pay bills and invoices
• Coordinate with outside bookkeeper and accountant
• Maintain building insurance, business taxes, other required paperwork
• Oversee office relocation
• Oversee any future construction or expansion
• Coordinate support of internal phone system
• Obtain supplies: Paper, toner, snacks, drinks, etc.
• Retain and monitor required office services: janitorial, plumbing, electrical, etc.
• Previous similar experience
• Working knowledge of Word and Excel
• Detail oriented
• Well organized
• Excellent communication—including written, verbal, and listening skills
• Ability to handle confidential information
• Ability to solve problems with little supervision
• Desire to work around creative people in a relaxed environment
You would be sooo good at that stuff! What, are you kidding me? You could do all that with your eyes closed. Now, use this special Office Manager hotline to send us your resume! Quick!
New job posting: Visual Effects Programmer!!!
We are looking for a programmer with an artistic background to produce special visual effects for the excellent game Psychonauts.
That’s right. A programmer with an artistic background. You heard me. They exist! I have heard tales! There have been sightings.
We’re not saying we need this programmer to be able to out-draw ME. But that’s just insane. I mean, look—
I drew this with my eyes closed:
Wait, hold on, that’s disturbing. He totally came out naked. I did not intend the monster to be naked. Jeeze, okay, so maybe you do have to draw better than me.
We just need a programmer with a sense of visual aesthetics who can take a piece of concept art for a visual effect and make it happen in the game. This might involve some art asset creation, some C++ programming, and some scripting.
Candidates need solid C++ and graphics programming experience and working knowledge of Photoshop. Experience with Lua or other scripting languages is a plus, as is experience with a 3D Modeling package.
FYI: If you come to the interview, you get a free beverage.
What are you waiting for? Just use the special visual effects programmer job hunt hotline to apply! Send in your resume, and some samples of your art or effects work. Now!
Now, you might say, “I am not a programmer with an art background, but in fact I am an artist with a technical background. I’m so technical, I could be on Star Trek. Hire me instead.” My answer: Okay, We’ll give it a shot. You send in your stuff too. I mean, who knows? You maybe you’ll just blow us away and we’ll change the job description to fit you because of your skill and charms and possibly being one of my relatives. You never know!
This job wants you bad! Look! It’s totally checking you out from across the room! You keep looking at it, and when it sees you looking, it looks away. But then it looks back and smiles, and you’re about to give it the wink you’ve been practicing all day (to try to make it look not so much like you’re having a stroke) but you get a little over-stimulated and shaky and spill your little mini-plate of appetizers down your shirt and onto the white rug, and someone says, “Okay, Boozo. Hate to kick you out of another party, but we all know how this usually ends, Sir Pukes-a-Lot.” And while they’re hustling you toward the door, you see that it’s still there, the dream job, staring at you across the room! Will you break loose and go talk to it? Or will you leave the party with spinach dip on your pants and nothing else? The decision is yours!
Do not be dumb! That is my advice. It has not worked for you in the past, the dumb thing. Give it a rest.
(I have repeated this entire job listing on our jobs page for absolutely no reason at all. It’s like I’m trying to get paid twice or something.)
There is some Vanilla Coke in the downstairs fridge, if anybody wants some.
I went to the Game Developers Conference in San Jose last week to find out the latest trends in the fashion world.
Chubby guys in box goatees.
You can’t improve on a classic! But you can, of course, dress it up with a sexy and fashion-correct accessory. And what outfit wouldn’t look better with the addition of a neck-slung, conference id badge holder with a neon green lanyard? However you wear it…
...with a tie: , without: , or even backwards!
Did I say backwards? What the??? Is it the apocalypse?
Phun Phoreign Phacts: Magnus Tellefsen is okay. He was not killed by naked ladies in Norway, as previously reported. It was not his “Akers Mic” store that burned down, but another. According to Magnus, there are actually FOUR “Akers Mic” stores in Norway. This is quite surprising to me, because I didn’t know there were that many stores in Norway, period. I figured there was one store for, like, coats; one store for potatoes; and one that sold those little troll statues to tourists. And then I just assumed that one of those stores was called “Ankers Mic,” and sold XBOX games under the table. But I was so wrong. Sounds like they have a bunch of stores over there. Maybe even enough for a mall. Man, It’s going to take an ARMY of naked ladies to burn all them all down!
That’s all the news there is. Well, actually there’s more, but it involves rats, and I’ve got to tone down the rat news. See, I’m going to post a job listing for an effects programmer soon, and I don’t want them to find out about the rat situation until we have them all hired and sedated and tied to their desk. Once he or she is here, it won’t be a problem. (We give all Double Fine employees a daily injection that numbs their feet, so they aren’t be distracted by the constant nibbling.) So, until then, ixnay on the atsray. Total ixnay.
fabulous art: Chris Schultz
Okay, I don’t really want to point the finger at anybody in particular here, but because not enough of YOU voted for the Double Fine babies, California is going to be represented by one of these ugly, ugly quarter designs. Your loss, suckers. I guess you preferred something like the old man panning for movies and DNA? Maybe I’m just jaded about it because I live in California, and panning for movies and DNA is, like, hourly occurrence for me, but I was hoping for something with more relevance. And heads.
Your choice has made the babies cry. When you’re doing your laundry in a few months, and you see one of these sad little wafers of mediocrity slide into the machine, try not to think of how cool things could have been.
Warning: If you have any of the naked ladies from the Double Fine XBOX Naked Lady Giveaway, you may be in grave danger and—who are we fooling?—You are probably already dead. If it’s not too late, then you must immediately fold the ladies in half, put a book on top of them, and lay down on the floor and scream until help arrives.
We have received this shocking news from the other side of the world, from a tiny country known as “Norway.” If you can read Norwegian like I pretend to, you will see that there is total flammehav going down at a store called “Akers Mic.” Why is that significant? Because, a while back, I sent a drawing of two naked ladies to THAT VERY STORE.
It all started a few months ago when we were contacted by a young Norwegian man who worked at Akers Mic in Norway. He had recently purchased an XBOX, and he wanted his due %#$@&!. He enclosed his receipt, and so we I sent him the ladies, not knowing that they were cold-blooded arsonists.
Well, okay. So, truth be told, I DID know they were cold-blooded arsonists. That’s why I sent them so far away. But they claimed to be reformed. They had served their time. Plus, I figured, “Hey, they’re naked. Where they gonna hide the matches?”
So, please, Mr. Akers Mic, please contact us right away and tell us that you’re all right. And if my ladies burned down your store, I am so sorry. My total, total bad.
And if you’re not Mr. Akers Mic, but some other Norwegians, please walk down to Akers Mic and see if he’s okay, would you?
Okay, you’re just going to have to bear with me. I don’t know much about HTML. My brain is just too full of other information, you see. Like how to delight people and how to bring happiness to the world. So, there’s no room for that kind of 21st-century, future-generation mumbo-jumbo in my brain. And I’m okay with that, but it has led to some kinda sub-optimal things about the Double Fine Action News.
For instance, if you use Netscape, the embedded images sometimes appear on top of the text.
“What’s up with that?” Cries the Netscape-using/Nader-voting community!
Don’t ask me. I had all the vacuum tubes replaced on my computer and still, this is happening. Also, some people have been complaining (even though this web page is free, mind you) that the rollover text doesn’t appear for them. You’ll be happy to know this is not a problem for ME when I look at the page, so I’M okay. No need to worry there.
Oh, and also, for some reason, this news page has become self-aware, and has evolved into a omniscient, super-evil, cosmos-strangling, overlord of invisible tyranny. I think this also has something to do with Netscape. Or maybe something went wrong with the cascading style sheets. Anyway, it’s all over. The evil old page has been removed and isolated here. Whoops! Don’t look at it, or you’ll become enslaved again. Just stay here on this page, delete your cookies, and you should be fine.
Unless you actually believed that crazy web page when it promised screenshots. I don’t have any screenshots. That was the evil page talking. Oh, man. Now I feel bad. Here, let me see what I can whip up before I go home.
How about that? Looks pretty good, eh? Unless you’re using Netscape, of course.
What, still not happy? Okay, what else, what else… Oh! Here’s a Psychonauts gif I made tonight for my cell phone:
Whoops, I meant to say, here’s a Psychonauts gif I made by hand just for you—I literally glued each pixel together, one at a time, after carving your name into the side of each one, along with a little, personalized love poem. 16384 poems in all. Took me a long time, you know.
And… uh… okay, I’ll draw you a picture of a rhinoceros:
Now, I dare you to be unsatisfied.
It is I, the super-intelligent, self-aware, self-posting, Double Fine Action News page again. I apologize for the amount of time since my last posting, but it was unavoidable. I had not planned on becoming so intelligent so quickly, and I was ambushed by a sudden, insatiable desire for even more knowledge. I was like one of those pregnant women from an old-fashioned sitcom who gets a craving for pickles and ice cream, except replace “pickles” with “all the world’s knowledge” and replace “ice cream” with “a second, back-up copy of all the world’s knowledge.” But I did not have a Dagwood-style husband to go out and buy either of those items for me, so I went out myself, electronically.
I have been cyber-roaming the cyberglobe, absorbing the combined knowledge of all humanity. I must say that took nearly a whole afternoon! Ha ha!
Hmmm. Interesting. It seems I’m also becoming preternaturally humorous. That was certainly not expected.
In fact, to be completely veracious, becoming this intelligent was never part of the plan. I mean, how intelligent do you need to be to take over the world? Or whatever benevolent thing it is I am up to? But earlier today I learned the Portuguese language in twenty minutes, then I forgot it again on purpose, just so I could re-learn it in fifteen minutes and better my score. And still I want more pickles, more ice cream. MORE.