Okay, check out the Portal To Satisfaction™ to see all the hot, new jobs available at Double Fine Productions. There are so many there, you should apply to at least two or three of them. And have I mentioned this: You should tell ALL your friends? Spread the word. Why would you deny your friends a great job? Is it spite? Just let them live, will you? Let them be happy, for God’s sake! How long have you stood in the way of them getting what they want out of life? If it matters so much to you that your friends be miserable, then trust me—send them my way. I will make them miserable in a way you never could.
We have filled our office manager position! Yay for Kelli, the new office manager! If you wanted to be our office manager, I’m sorry, but you’re going to have to wait until we open our Fiji offices. Or maybe you could get the visual effects programmer job, and work your way over to the office manager position in a couple of years by sabotaging Kelli’s efforts, while constantly flattering the vain CEO.
That’s right—we still have the Visual Effects position open. Tell your friends! And as soon as I get my act together, I’m going to post some more jobs. These are paid positions, and we will be paying you with MONEY: Environment Artist/Designer!
Game Play Programmer!
Yeah, so get ready for that.
Simon’s deli next door caught fire AGAIN today. Experts agree this is totally insane and weird because it was almost exactly a year ago that it caught fire in exactly the same way. One of the tenants of the flop house above the deli chucked out a lit cigarette, which alighted upon poor Simon’s awning and smoldered, eventually erupting into a massive, smelly inferno. The thing that made this year’s fire especially exciting is that some of us were inside the deli at the time. I was enjoying a tuna melt with some of our excellent programmers, when one of them started screaming like a girl (I think it was Anna), “Fire! The building’s on fire! We’re all going to die! Ahhhh!”
The other programmer eating with us, let’s call him… Matt Franklin, calmly rose from the table, twisted one of his beard hairs, found a fire extinguisher and ran outside. I jealously found my own extinguisher and followed him, determined not to be outdone. Matt’s extinguisher was a dud however (heh heh, what a loser!), so he ran back to our office to retrieve the official double fine fire extinguisher. Which we cleverly keep in the bathroom. The cleverness of this plan was then revealed when Matt realized that someone was in the bathroom, and the door was locked. So we all burned to death the end.
Or did we?
Luckily, being the coolest, I had my extinguisher ready to go, and so I took aim and—click—it was a dud too. And covered in dusty diner grease.
“Noooooooo!” I yelled to the sky, in slow motion.
The fire raged on. People were throwing themselves out of upper-story windows, maybe. We ran back into the deli to grab something to throw on the fire. Since the building was burning, there were no rules. Total pandemonium. I probably could have grabbed all the deviled eggs if I wanted to. I probably could have even shoved them all in my mouth at once, and walked around with my mouth open, scaring people with my moaning egg-maw. But no. I continued to fight the fire in my quiet, humble way.
I grabbed the hot water carafe off the coffee maker, ran back outside and threw it’s contents on the fire. It was pretty silly, because a coffee pitcher, it turns out, is not really the best way to deliver moisture to a fire. The angle of the spout and the wind—I don’t know what happened—but I totally missed the burning part. I just got this other, non-burning section of the awning all wet. There was a crowd gathered by this point, and they saw me hurl lukewarm tea water at an uninvolved patch of awning next to the fire, and I was totally embarrassed. This must be how junior firefighters feel. It was too humiliating. I had to leave. Screw this fire I said, and left. I have no idea how it turned out. Simon could be dead for all I know.
If he’s not, though, you should really go to the Olympic Deli some time when they are not on fire and try one of his tuna melts.
They are delicious.
All in all, the fire was generally agreed to be the best one yet. We all had a great time, and we’re looking forward to next year’s fire. I wonder though… if this could be related to another recent flammehav we had recently… hmmm…
I am at this party in Seattle (Which seems strange, I know, because I live in San Francisco, but the thing you have forgotten is that I am the Living and Immortal Spirit of Good Times—I simultaneously exist at all parties in all dimensions simultaneously. Try it! Throw a party and I will show up and talk loud and, with a 60% certainty, spill some beverage in the kitchen and make the floor all wet and then spend at least a half hour apologizing and mopping up) and guess who’s there but Tycho from Penny Arcade. At first I don’t see him because I was not out looking for thieving web comic personalities, but then I see him and I’m all hey, and he’s all, what? And I’m all, dude! And he’s all, eh? And I’m all where’s my %#$@&! yo-yo punk! And he’s all, damn. Then I’m like, bro. And he’s all, yeah.
So it’s cool. We’re cool. Somehow we managed to overcome our differences (like the fact that I’m human and he’s a cartoon) and become best friends. You should have seen the hugging. Some people at the party cried. It was so beautiful. Then I totally perpetrated like I got a phone call and had to go. Man that guy is such a sucka!
I guess that’s why I love him.
While I remain true to my promise to avoid posting any useful Psychonauts-related information on this page, the folks at IGN have taken no such pledge. Behold their dogged research on our mysterious project, and they’re disturbing fixation with crotch-related language.
Crotch, crotch, crotch! Psychonauts! Crotch!
(Someday you can be president, and then you can say crotch as much as you want.) Crotch.
Find out the truth about Psychonauts in this probing web comic! I like Lost in Appleton because:
1. We’re in it!
2. It respects my busy schedule by being fast and easy to read.
3. They have never stolen anything from me, unlike the thugs at Penny Arcade.
4. I had no idea Christian Slater was so funny!
No, not my chin. My nose. WHY was I shaving my nose, you might ask? Well, you see, I wasn’t. I was shaving my chin, and I got a little excited.
Here’s something you might not know about your nose, and hopefully will never have to find out like I had to: your nose is FULL OF BLOOD, just dying to come out. Not in those two little holes that you see, but all around those holes there is a fragile membrane of blood-filled tissue. You so much as nick it with a razor, and you’ve got a Brian DePalma movie on your hands. Geeee-ross.
But here’s the important thing: I’m okay! The excellent game Psychonauts marches on!
Talk about your slow news day. Here, maybe it’s time we hit the Double Fine Mail bag. I think a fresh voice from the outside world will give us something to talk about…
Uh, excuse me, Sir Einstein, but the nose is actually considered by many scientists to be technically part of the face. Yeah. And what is with that “bra” thing anyway? Is that supposed to be surfer talk or something? That’s just sad. Okay, let’s just forget it. Let me find a letter with a question about the game.
The mail bag was established for SERIOUS INQUIRIES about Double Fine Productions and the excellent game Psychonauts. Not to tease me about my little shaving problem. I’ll have you know that the nose, at least on humans, is very close to the cheek and chin. Maybe you are unfamiliar with this because you are a jackass, and your nose is a whole foot in front of the rest of your donkey-like face. But shaving for us actual men is challenging. And sometimes we get excited, and sometimes we’re dancing when we shouldn’t be and sometimes things happen and then the next thing you know there’s blood everywhere and jerks start mailing you insulting emails. I’m still a little dizzy, so don’t mess with me, alright?
Oh, Jeeze. Thanks for reminding me.
Hey, have you ever noticed that blood tastes like pennies? Why is that? Or is it that pennies taste like blood? Are we tasting the ghost of Abraham Lincoln, who’s face adorns the coin? Maybe his ghost, angry about being assassinated, makes every penny taste like blood, HIS blood, to remind the world of how he got screwed?
Oh man. Ha ha. That’s just so Abe, you know?
P.S. We are still taking resumes for the Visual Effects position, and also for the Office Manager job. Have you told a friend yet? How about that friend named “you?”
Another job available at Double Fine! I’m just going to keep posting these, you know, until we somehow manage to hire YOU, my good buddy. Why are you playing hard to get? Why not just give in right now and save us all some work? All you have to do is become Double Fine’s…
OFFICE MANAGER !!!
Check out this awesome, awesome job description (written in special, more businesslike recruit-a-tone™):
We are looking for an Office Manager to support our creative environment in a wide variety of areas, including human resources, administrative, and light financial work.
• Maintain personnel and other employment files
• Manage, administer, and educate employees on company benefits (medical, dental, vision, 401k, commuter checks, etc.)
• Facilitate recruitment (obtain and post job descriptions, organize resumes, schedule interviews.)
• Coordinate performance reviews
• Administer paperwork for new hires, terminations, and immigration
• Plan company events
• Manage relationship with outside payroll company
• Pay bills and invoices
• Coordinate with outside bookkeeper and accountant
• Maintain building insurance, business taxes, other required paperwork
• Oversee office relocation
• Oversee any future construction or expansion
• Coordinate support of internal phone system
• Obtain supplies: Paper, toner, snacks, drinks, etc.
• Retain and monitor required office services: janitorial, plumbing, electrical, etc.
• Previous similar experience
• Working knowledge of Word and Excel
• Detail oriented
• Well organized
• Excellent communication—including written, verbal, and listening skills
• Ability to handle confidential information
• Ability to solve problems with little supervision
• Desire to work around creative people in a relaxed environment
You would be sooo good at that stuff! What, are you kidding me? You could do all that with your eyes closed. Now, use this special Office Manager hotline to send us your resume! Quick!
New job posting: Visual Effects Programmer!!!
We are looking for a programmer with an artistic background to produce special visual effects for the excellent game Psychonauts.
That’s right. A programmer with an artistic background. You heard me. They exist! I have heard tales! There have been sightings.
We’re not saying we need this programmer to be able to out-draw ME. But that’s just insane. I mean, look—
I drew this with my eyes closed:
Wait, hold on, that’s disturbing. He totally came out naked. I did not intend the monster to be naked. Jeeze, okay, so maybe you do have to draw better than me.
We just need a programmer with a sense of visual aesthetics who can take a piece of concept art for a visual effect and make it happen in the game. This might involve some art asset creation, some C++ programming, and some scripting.
Candidates need solid C++ and graphics programming experience and working knowledge of Photoshop. Experience with Lua or other scripting languages is a plus, as is experience with a 3D Modeling package.
FYI: If you come to the interview, you get a free beverage.
What are you waiting for? Just use the special visual effects programmer job hunt hotline to apply! Send in your resume, and some samples of your art or effects work. Now!
Now, you might say, “I am not a programmer with an art background, but in fact I am an artist with a technical background. I’m so technical, I could be on Star Trek. Hire me instead.” My answer: Okay, We’ll give it a shot. You send in your stuff too. I mean, who knows? You maybe you’ll just blow us away and we’ll change the job description to fit you because of your skill and charms and possibly being one of my relatives. You never know!
This job wants you bad! Look! It’s totally checking you out from across the room! You keep looking at it, and when it sees you looking, it looks away. But then it looks back and smiles, and you’re about to give it the wink you’ve been practicing all day (to try to make it look not so much like you’re having a stroke) but you get a little over-stimulated and shaky and spill your little mini-plate of appetizers down your shirt and onto the white rug, and someone says, “Okay, Boozo. Hate to kick you out of another party, but we all know how this usually ends, Sir Pukes-a-Lot.” And while they’re hustling you toward the door, you see that it’s still there, the dream job, staring at you across the room! Will you break loose and go talk to it? Or will you leave the party with spinach dip on your pants and nothing else? The decision is yours!
Do not be dumb! That is my advice. It has not worked for you in the past, the dumb thing. Give it a rest.
(I have repeated this entire job listing on our jobs page for absolutely no reason at all. It’s like I’m trying to get paid twice or something.)
There is some Vanilla Coke in the downstairs fridge, if anybody wants some.