This is not news. It is completely stupid, I know. So please, I’m begging you, do not read it. It’s horrible enough that I had to experience it.
So, today I’m in the kitchen, making coffee, looking for coffee filters. I open up this drawer, totally not expecting to see the grossest thing in the world. But lo.
Inside I find all these little, plastic tubs that the pizza guy brought years ago—still filled with parmesan cheese, and chili flakes. (Not the gross part yet.) One of them has spilled, and so I pick it up, and see that the lid had been CHEWED OFF BY SOMETHING WITH A LITTLE, TINY MOUTH!
And not completely chewed off, either. It was like some little thing, maybe a leprechaun, went around the edge of the plastic tub with a can opener, cutting it almost all the way around, then folded back the flap, and ate the insides, JUST LIKE POPEYE EATS A CAN OF SPINACH.
But, very UN-like Popeye, he then took little dumps all over the place. There were these little, black droppings all around the drawer, mixed in with the spilled parmesan. How did the tiny leprechaun Popeye get in our coffee filter drawer, and why did he poo? Curse you, tiny pooing Popeye! Curse your black heart, because now I have to buy my coffee at Starbucks, while I wait for my poor, unsuspecting team to use up the rest of those soiled coffee filters. Can’t you see how you’re hurting them?