This just in: Yesterday was not Friday.
All day long I thought it was Friday. As I stepped off the train and walked to my house, I was thinking, “Man, that was a long week, but at least it’s Friday, and now I have a long Memorial day weekend ahead of me with no plans except to sit around in my bathrobe and play Guitar Hero II.”
And then I saw all my neighbors had their garbage bins on the curb and I wondered how I had managed to miss garbage day and then I remembered that I had watched “Lost” the night before and that oh my god it was Thursday, and I dropped down to the sidewalk and pounded the cement with my fist and I cried and cried.
But then an angel came down and spoke to me and said, “Do you really wish it were Friday? I could make it so, but that would mean that you would lose that day of your life forever.”
And I said, “Heck yeah. Do it to it.”
And the angel said, “Okay, but first let me show you what that day would have been like, had you not wished it away.”
And he took me under his wing and flew me into the future that would never be and I saw that Daniel would bring donuts to the office, and that later Levi would bring in two kinds of cake. And I figured that I should probably bulk up on calories because there’s no food back at the house and if I had to go out and shop for groceries at any point this weekend I’d have to change out of my bathrobe and that would ruin the magic plan.
So I said, “You know what, angel? I guess every day is precious and I should never wish one away, ever. Why don’t you take me home. I think tomorrow’s going to be a pretty good day.” (And I kind of half-winked, half-squinted at him for emphasis while I said, “pretty good.”)
The angel looked a little embarrassed and I could tell he thought what I said was corny, but he had to act nice because he was an angel. And then I tried to pretend that I was being ironically corny, but that just made it worse. So he took me home and made some excuse about how he had to be somewhere else and then took off.
So I pulled our garbage bins to the curb and went inside the house and found out that my wife had bought me some new socks. True story.