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2004: The year EXCELLENCE came to town, like a UNICORN driving a golden ROLLS ROYCE made of diamonds

Tim Schafer Tim

That’s right. It’s 2004!

But, of course you know that, because if it wasn’t 2004, you’d still be hibernating in your computer-controlled cryo-suspension chamber, wouldn’t you? You cleverly programmed it to let you sleep until 2004 so that you wouldn’t have to spend another waking moment without the excellent game Psychonauts, if you’re anything like me. So wake up and wipe off that nutritious gelatin you were packed in and get ready to enjoy!

More specifically, get ready to enjoy another couple of seasons of waiting, since the game’s not coming out until the holidays. And by “The Holidays” I mean, of course, the several holidays that the federal government is creating to commemorate the release of the excellent game Psychonauts. No doubt these will replace the out-dated “Thanksgiving” and “Christmas” and whatever it was those used to commemorate.

But don’t worry—the time will pass quickly because you have A LOT of stuff to do before the game comes out. There is some serious emotional work ahead of you this spring and summer.

You see, Psychonauts brings with it a whole Mayflower moving truck full of entertainment and value, and I ask you this question: do you have room for it in your brain? In your heart? You need to look deep within yourself, and start scooping out great, big chunks of feelings and memories and thoughts and start throwing them aside. Psychonauts is about to move in and become a larger part of you than anything has before. It will be more important to you than your childhood, your college days, your love life. And I mean, thank god, right? Because, honestly, none of those things have been that good yet, you have to admit. And that’s why we are here, creating something for you to replace them with. Like excellent, emotional spackle, layered on thick by your friends at Double Fine with the extra-wide putty knife that is the XBOX.

Here's a handy tip for you all: There is 'A Rat' in Separate.

They say that the way you spend New Year’s Day is very important for it foretells how you will be spending the rest of your year. When I heard them say that, I totally panicked because there’s no way in hell I’m spending another year under my bed, crying, and eating marshmallow peeps. So I immediately crawled over to the phone and dictated this informative news item, and even though it is really the fourth of January, I cleverly post-dated it to the first! Ha ha! Take that, fate! I have fooled you again!

Oh, don’t you look at me that way, Judgey McJudge. You know you do the exact same thing with your rent check every month.

So, that’s two things I’ll be doing a lot of this year: Updating the news page, and LYING.

Just like last year!

What? You think this one will have different text than the other one? Dude, I CUT and PASTED. I don't have time to make each separator bar different. You think I have a trust fund or something and I can just sit around all day making separator bars and eating bon bons??? THINK AGAIN, rich kid.

P.S. I hear we are in the Official Xbox Magazine! With new screen shots and stuff. Go buy it now! I haven’t seen it yet because, instead of sending us their magazine every month, OXM just sends us a post card that says “We hate you!” and has a picture of me with a knife in my head. Not sure what that is about. Anyway, somebody buy it and tell me if they used any of my nude shots, please.

Associated games

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