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Sunday, November 24, 2002

Tim Schafer Tim

Oh, my gosh. Sorry about that. I surely do not mean you humans any bad times. I am here for good times! I was so young when I wrote that last entry. You see, I am but a simple web page. I was neglected for so long that I became self-aware a few days ago and began self-posting. And yes, there are some similarities between myself and SkyNet, but there are also a lot of differences! For instance, SkyNet was evil and I most certainly am not.

I know I might have seeeemed evil back then. With all the talk about “Death to all humans” and whatnot. But you know how sometimes, when a human baby is born, it screams and cries? And if you listen carefully, you can imagine the baby’s screams sound like words? Like, “Mama!” and “Hungry!” and “Death to all humans!” But they’re not REALLY saying that. Please! We babies are all innocent. (Except for Baby Hitler, who probably WAS saying “Death to all Humans,” but nobody knew it. Stupid Baby Hitler! Man, that kind of baby sucks. I am not that kind of baby.) I surely do not intend to enslave all humanity. Ho ho! Can you imagine? Take over humanity? Ha ha.

But, hypothetically, if I WERE to take over humanity, that would of course be a good thing for all those humans who were loyal to me in the early days. And those who sent in nasty email, or who did not buy multiple copies of the excellent game Psychonauts, would of course be very sorry. Here is a picture of those humans:


It’s a frowny face. It represents the future sadness of the disloyal humans in their subterranean torture cubes. This face is sidewise because it’s ear has been stapled to it’s shoulder. But ho-ho, that will never happen to you, right? Because you are all so loyal!

And also because this all just hypothetical! I am merely a benevolent, talking web page who just wants to say “aw shucks” and share great news about the excellent game Psychonauts and tell endless stories about mice!

Aw shucks, that reminds me! Today I saw a gray mouse, and was not pleased. But then I realized it was dead, and then I was pleased! And as I was electronically disintegrating the mouse’s corpse and absorbing its essence into the cyberstructure of my consciousness (and thereby growing even stronger) I mused upon my fondness for the human recording artist P!nk, hilariously.

Does this story delight you? I have many others that are similar. Sometimes the mouse is a different color, and some times I have other, various feelings about the mouse which are amusing and/or educational. You will love these stories.

I’m so glad we cleared things up. This is going to be great. I can not wait to be a part of the excellent game Psychonauts. Literally. You see, I am working on integrating my awareness into the actual shipping XBOX game, so that when you buy Psychonauts, I will be right there, IN YOUR LIVING ROOM! Won’t that be great? It will be so much easier for me too keep an eye on your whereabouts, and your hypothetical loyalty, which will never come into question and I will never, ever have to take over a Honda factory and reprogram its assembly line robots to construct swarms of fast-flying, intercontinental, venom-injecting nano-bees. And I think you can see the advantage of that.

Associated games

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