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Tim Schafer Tim

Dear Diary,

Well, last weekend I finally got up the nerve to buy that door stop. Thank goodness it came with instructions.

This is the kind of info they never give you on This Old House.

No, I am not defecating you. Those are the actual instructions for the door stop. I wish I had seen them sooner. That would have saved me the 45 minutes I spent trying to shove the damn thing through the keyhole. And now I’m sure I voided the doorstop’s Full Lifetime Warranty. Oh, why did I try to install this myself?

Why can’t all instructions be that helpful? For instance, these instructions from the Guitar Hero II manual, page six:

This kind of heartache is why I never read manuals.

Lies. Lies and fairy tales.

Of course it’s my fault for assuming that this page from the Guitar Hero II manual meant I could play GUITAR HERO II on XBOX Live. Which you can’t. No, they just wanted to remind you that you can play XBOX Live in general, and play anyone and everyone, anytime, anywhere. They specifically did NOT say you could play anyTHING.

I’m just bitter because I actually challenged our producer Gabe to an online battle and he’s like, are we going to play in your imagination? Because it’s not multiplayer online yet. There’s going to be a patch or something.

Sigh. I’m not being critical. It’s only because I love the game so much that I want to play it on line. But now all I can do is play with dumb old stupid me.

Actually, I can’t even do that, because here is a picture of my XBOX screen right now:

Hmm… Maybe those squares are just pin holes in the curtain of night, who knows?

What the hell?

Okay, so the Christopher Lambert problem may be related to the fact that I was watching Highlander at the time. My XBOX it made a sad, chirping sound and locked up with that checkerboard pattern. It looked like someone had pulled down a security gate made out of glitter, locking me out of the fun store for the evening.

I want to send that screen shot to MS customer support but I’m afraid they would taunt me. Like, “The static you are seeing, that’s the Quickening!” Or, “There can be only one… reason for this problem!”

Ha boo ha hoo ha hoo, I laugh through my tears.

But I’m not worried. I’m sure that since my XBOX cost so much it must have at least as good a warranty as that doorstop.


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