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I hate you, South Beach Diet.

Avatar for Tim Schafer
Tim Schafer Tim

You want to know the sad thing about this diet? I’m totally excited about eating that jello right now. And I have been for the last hour and a half. “Soon, soon,” I have been thinking obsessively, “I get to eat jello!”

Believe it or not, this is game related. People have asked me, “Why isn’t Brütal Legend at E3?” And I can not tell them the real truth: That I am just too fat to go to E3. But let’s not say fat. Let’s say “Jolly.” And I don’t mean, “Wah, wah. I’m too jolly and everyone will laugh at me.” I mean I am physically too jolly to fit out the door of Double Fine. I’m stuck in my office, wedged into my tiny-looking Aeron chair, my jolly flesh poking through it’s woven back like cheese through a fine grater. I am now forced to bathe by scraping the sticky parts of post-it notes over my armpits. Somewhere in one of my jolly belly rolls, my cell phone is ringing, but I cannot find it. Oh, woe is my jolly.

But I have my jello, and soon the world will be sorry.

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