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Tim Schafer Tim

Okay, obviously this news page does not want to be updated. It’s resisting, somehow. The problem couldn’t possibly be me, as I am literally bursting with information and news. So it must be a problem with FrontPage. Or else a problem with the Internet, or some of the basic assumptions behind HTML. All I can say is that I’m going to bust through all those problems right now, with my mighty fist of information. POW! Get ready to learn! Bang! Knowledge in your face!

There’s so much exciting stuff going on right now! It’s crazy. And it’s just too bad I can’t tell you about any of it. It all fits in one of three categories:

1) The New Game 2) Wedding Fun Times 3) Animal Crossing

Those are the only three things I have happening my life right now. Oh, except—-hey, if you’re my landlord, click here right now—I did install an awesome garage door opener last weekend. It’s great. But let me talk about the things I can’t talk about first:

Yes, we are working on a new game, duh. Of course! What do you think we’re going to be doing? After we read and answer all our fan mail, we still have at least 45 minutes left each day that we have to kill somehow. So we decided to make a game. Can I tell you anything about it? No effing way. It’s so secret, it hurts. But it’s probably the raddest thing that I have ever seen. Seriously, it’s so amazingly awesome that every time I look at it I get a little teary-eyed. I think I’m in love with it. I think I’m going to make out with it. I think I want to kill it a bear. I think I want to carve it’s name into my chest with broken glass, I love it so much.

But I can’t tell you about that.

And even more secret than that is my upcoming awesome wedding, which will be one of the great weddings. I’m talking about me, getting married. To a lady. But I can’t tell you anything about it, because that would be the kind of personal information that you would get on a BLOG. And man, there is nothing I hate more than BLOGS. I don’t know how many times I have to tell people, but this is a NEWS PAGE. Would you call the New York Times the Blog of New York? No. The Double Fine Action News is a place for news about Double Fine. Not for me to brag about my lovely and talented fiancée, who you are not engaged to, but I am. And you are not.

And that leaves me with Animal Crossing, which would have been so fun to share with you all, TWO YEARS AGO when everyone was playing it. But now it’s old news. And my love for Animal Crossing falls silently like a tree in a forest with no one around.

See, I started playing it when it came out, but then I stopped because Tom Nook’s store was never open when I was home, so screw him. But then I finally realized that cheating is okay, and that I probably wouldn’t go to hell very much if I just nudged my GameCube clock around a little bit so I could sell my damn fruit and get out of debt. But once I did that, I fell headlong into the world of my town, PinkeyToe. (Just like that guy fell into the giant magician’s hat at the beginning of Lidsville.) I became more and more obsessed with catching bugs and fish, and I could tell you about my experiences for pages and pages, but I’m too late with that story I’m afraid. The world has moved on. Animal Crossing is old news, and this news page is, as you know, exceedingly topical. We have standards here. So, no Animal Crossing talk. Even though I will tell you that my Spooky furniture collection is quite impressive.

So I guess all I can tell you about, at the risk of being evicted, is my garage door opener. Its a Craftsman, Screw Drive model. 1/2 Horsepower. Good lift, excellent obstruction detection, good range on the remote. All in all, a really great garage door opener for the money. If you have any questions about it, or just want to make fun of me for playing Animal Crossing, please mail the info line! (Unless your question is about when Psychonauts is coming out in Australia, because let me save you some time: We don’t know! Soon, though! SOON!)

Also, please mail in if you know the answer to this question: Can I sell live Sea Monkey’s on Ebay? How about dead Sea Monkeys?

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