Okay, everybody have their magazines in hand like I asked? Great. Now put them away and turn on your computer. Make sure you have the internet installed.
Have a grown-up help you with this next step: Check out the online coverage we’ve been getting on internationally feared and respected sources such as GameSpot, GameSpy, and IGN. But don’t watch any of the videos. For one thing, I mumble a lot and and you’d be wasting your time trying to understand what I’m saying because, for the most part, I’m just begging for the interview to be over. Stuff like, “Can I take this mic off? Does that light have to be so bright? Can the camera look at something else while I talk?”
Also, if you watch all those movies you’ll see too much of the game and ruin the surprises. And if you see the video that shows the final cutscene… well, it’s going to affect your experience playing the game if you find out too early that everybody dies in the end from the super flu. Oh WHOOPS. Spoiler alert! What I meant to say was that everybody MAY OR MAY NOT die from the super flu at the end of Psychonauts. You don’t know. Maybe I leaked that on purpose to misdirect you from the truth, or maybe I leaked it on purpose to make you THINK I wanted to misdirect you from the truth, when in fact that IS the truth. Double reverse psychology. Maybe I am only writing all this stuff to distract you from the fact that I’m breaking into your car right now. You don’t know! How could you know? It’s unknowable!
The point is, you are all my puppets and you will only think what I want you to think, so don’t even try to think anything else. Please.
Now I want you to think about this: New comics up by Raz and Nathan. None from Scott. Why none from Scott? Well, in his own words, slightly paraphrased, “Nobody likes me or my comics. Everybody likes Raz and Nathan, and hates me and thinks I’m fat.” Wow. Poor guy. Poor body image affects everybody, I guess. Please mail Scott at the action comics hotline and tell him you love his comic, and beg him for more, before he has another bulimic episode. Do not mention anything about his morbid obesity, please. Act like nothing’s wrong, and that he’s totally normal-looking. Don’t stare at his ankles, especially. Most of the build-up there is just stress-related water retention.