Me: Good morning world! I love you!
The Internet: Ah, shuddup. Why don’t you quit the yap and put up some real news once in a while?
Me: But Internet! How can I do that? What could I possibly say here that was not said already by the Excellent Game Psychonauts, who’s towering artistic statement is like an infinite chorus of angels simultaneously speaking all the truth of the universe?
The Internet: I dunno, but you’d better figure it out soon or you won’t have time to make me dinner.
Me: I’ll try, Internet. I wouldn’t want you to have to hit me again. I just don’t know what to say.
The Internet: Just quit yer whining and put up some damn tips and tricks!
Me: What a great idea!Tips and tricks! You have so many good ideas! I’ll bet you’re the smartest—
The Internet: Goddamnit will you shut up? I’m trying to watch the game!
I want to make the Internet happy, and I do have a lot of tips to share. Truth be told, I have approximately five cubic ass-tons of facts in my head at any given moment. Sometimes there is so much wisdom in my head the pressure is unbearable, and it makes my eyes bug out a little, and once in a while there’s a little leak and a small drop of wisdom will drip out of a tear duct or a nostril. Some days I am literally crying wisdom. Sometimes I blow huge, sticky clots of wisdom into a Kleenex and stuff it into my bathrobe pocket and forget about it. And sometimes, when I am eating at a fancy restaurant with my lady, I will inadvertently gleek out a graceful arc of wisdom from under my tongue, across the dinner table, gently wetting her sweater and face with my knowledge. But, luckily, making other people’s lives better is kind of a hobby of mine. So what the hell? Why not cough up another ball of truth for the world?
Here is a tip that is pretty much guaranteed to save many lives:
TIP: Hook the shower curtain ring that is nearest your bathroom door over the screw that holds your shower curtain rod in place.
Materials needed: One shower curtain, with rod, rings, and screw.
Technique: As you step into your shower, use the middle or index finger to raise the shower curtain ring up, and over, and back down on the far side of the head of the protruding screw.
Here’s why: Killers love to stab people when they are taking showers. Anybody who has seen a movie knows this. Psycho, Body Double, the new Psycho—all of these movies were based on true events and all featured a killer who was drawn to their showering victim like a moth to the flame—a moth with a KNIFE that is!!! Some shower stabbers use a butcher knife, some a drill, some wear wigs, and some do not. But the one thing that they all have in common is that the last move they make before they plunge that gleaming blade into your heart, is to dramatically whip open the shower curtain, while they raise their knife high over their head with the other hand. Just to give you that moment of shock and terror. They never just slide the knife or drill around the side of the shower curtain, or under it, and poke it into you quietly, so you won’t notice. They always jerk the curtain open like a magician showing off how his caged tiger has disappeared. But, instead of a tiger, this magician makes your LIFE disappear! I am not kidding!!
BUT, if you hook the shower curtain ring over that screw, the killer will raise his knife, and yank on the curtain, but instead of opening it will snag on that screw and the killer will then be thwarted and confused long enough for you to kick him in the crotch and, after he falls to the floor in pain, kill him slowly with an electric toothbrush. Also, in Meat Circus, you can use the shield to make the Sword Swallower’s swords bounce right into the spinning wheel every time.
I hope you liked this tip, Internet. I know I make you crazy sometimes, but I really do love you, and I know you love me too. Down deep.