WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH MY COFFEE?

Congratulations, Steve Allen!

Congratulations for breaking my heart!

In case you ever wondered what I do here at Double Fine, the answer is, I am in charge of the coffee. I scour the world (via the Peet's Coffee mail order website) to find the richest, most flavorful coffee the internet has to offer. Every day, I make two delicious, aromatic pots; one in the morning, and one in the afternoon. I make it like my father did, and his father before him: in a coffee machine. And I make it because I love each and every member of the Double Fine family, and I want them all to be happy and content and extremely wired and jumpy. I want them to work hard and fast and not fall asleep. In fact, I try to make it so strong so that it keeps them all up at night, and gives them more hours to lie there, thinking of ways to make our games more fun for you, the player.

And so what does Steve do? He says, "Screw the player! I hate you, Tim," by walking across the street to get his venti half-caff nonfat iced soy mochachinos blown down his throat by cupids with golden straws. And he does it so much that they have given him an award! First Dave, and now Steve. Who's next? My new kitten? Is my new kitten going to sneak out of the house to get crummy cat food from a chain across the street? Will they give her a little collar that says, "Congratulations, Least Loyal Cat?" 

Why don't you all just save me some time and grief and all pick up a knife and stab me in the heart one by one? Just like in the Orient Express! (Ooh, sorry. Spoiler alert!) 

Fine, I'm no martyr. I'll just sit here in my office, by myself, crying tears that have turned brown from too much good coffee. Alone, ever alone, with my sweet, delicious tears. Got an award for that, Starbucks?