GOLDEN CHICLETS OF GAS

Okay, I don’t know how it looks to you, but my little index of Double Fine Action Comics over on the left looks like crap to me. I wish I understood the internet and lasers and nanotech enough to know what’s going on, but I just can’t figure it out. In the crappy webpage editor that I got for free, it looks okay. But under the steely gaze of Internet Explorer, it’s droopy and uneven. The nine looks depressed. It’s hanging out about a half-space lower than the other numbers. And, at about number 26, the rows start spreading out. I have no idea why. It’s like one of them farted, and the other numbers want to get away. It was probably number 36. Haha! Get it? 36!

(Uh, 36 is the atomic number of Krypton? Which is a noble… GAS? Right? Now do you get it? ... Man, this is why I gave up on that whole stand- up routine I used to do that was based on the periodic table of elements. Nobody appreciates good science comedy.)

Anyway, It’s super-manky looking, and I know you guys are always dying for good, hard news about the Excellent Game Psychonauts, so I thought I’d let you know about that. Tell your friends: Double Fine has dropped its 9, and the 36 is having some wind.

The Excellent Game Psychonauts will look much better than that, I promise. Mostly because I will not be doing the art, and we will not be making the art in the crappy webpage editor that I got for free.

You know what that messed-up index reminds me of, really, is this class I had once where the teacher would talk and talk and talk, but I couldn’t focus on anything she said because I was fixated on her teeth. She didn’t have any two teeth that were pointing in the same direction. They all shot out at completely random angles. She was normal-looking in every way, but she had a smile like a cactus garden. Whenever she’d close her mouth, you’d worry that she was going to snag a lip on one of her mini-tusks. Kissing her would feel like trying to sort scrabble tiles with your tongue after they had been glued together. Seriously, it looked like someone loaded up a shotgun with white Chiclets and shot her right in the mouth. It looked… exactly like the Double Fine Action Comics index.

So I’m sorry for that. I’m sorry I let down the comics with my ugly table and my inability to manipulate the properties of its cells.

I mean, what am I? Ian Wilmut?

...The father of cloning? Manipulating the properties of… you see, in HTML, a “cell” is also… oh forget it. I try to branch out my science comedy from chemistry to biology and people freak out. Okay never mind! Only regular science comedy from now on!

Two milestones today: DFAC #40(!), and the introduction of fart jokes to the news. Truly a golden day. God, please feel free to take a hundred golden days like this one, load them into your Chiclet shot gun, and shoot me right in the face.


Associated games

Psychonauts