TAKES YOUR LIPS TO A DREAM WORLD OF MAGIC

I was in Walgreens a while back, and I saw a new flavor of ChapStick that forced me to re-evaluate everything about the world and how I fit in it.

That flavor was delicious, delicious NARNIA.

Simulation.
The Chronicles of Narnia, captured in ChapStick form.

Now, I spend a lot of time trying to figure out the public, and what it is they want, and what their effing problem is. And when I saw this, I just got more confused. Did people want Narnia ChapStick? Did I want Narnia ChapStick? How was I supposed to feel about this product, as a shopper? “Hm… I loved the books as a kid, and was fairly disappointed by the movie, but maybe where Hollywood dropped the ball, ChapStick is going to pick it up, and rock C.S. Lewis’ visionary religious parable all over my lips!”

“The skin on my lips was dead,” the commercial could go, “But now it’s come back to life. JUST LIKE ASLAN!”

(Sorry about the spoiler.)

I realize it was probably not meant for me. It was meant for children. Extremely boring children who don’t drink enough water, or who’s parents force them to work in the sun all day. And I have seen kids get verrrry excited about licensing tie-ins. When I was nine years old I saw my friend Larry Adams break down in wet, embarrassing tears of joy because he got an Evel Knievel Deluxe Dare Devil Stunt Set for his birthday. (Ha ha. I’ll bet you didn’t ever expect that one to come out in the open, did you Larry?? Well, I guess maybe you should have paid more attention to the awesome-but-overlooked SST Racer I gave you at that same birthday party! [Hey, why can’t I find any pictures of SST Racers on the internet? Has the world totally forgotten SST Racers, with the T-bar zip cord and cool purple paint job and stabilizer fins?])

So, yes. I have seen kids go nuts when something they already love (Evel Knievel) becomes available in a new form (stupid wind-up toy that you need a flat surface to launch, unlike SST Racers which, by the way, had a damn GYROSCOPE inside). But I just cannot imagine some kid in Wallgreens, lost in their own private thoughts about Narnia, suddenly snapping out of it and screaming at the top of his lungs because he just saw Tilda Swinton and some polar bears on a stick of, what is essentially, clear lipstick for men.

What’s next? A Yo-yo? Please. I think the last thing we want to see is one more company slapping their intellectual property on some random product to make a quick buck.

Oh, hey, that reminds me. Check it out!

You think the pelicans can save you now?

Now available in the company store, Milkman Conspiracy Buttons and Refrigerator Magnets! Featuring new art by our very own Mark Hamer. Available in 1” buttons, or 1¼” refrigerator magnets!

Warning: Pins are sharp. Do not apply product to lips.